“I’m not going anywhere, Alex. I’m staying.”
Alex heard the resolution in Caitlyn’s voice, and it felt as though an enormous weight rose from suffocating him and pressing him into the mattress. He held no wish to consider the next day or the ones to follow. He wanted to relish the time alone with Caitlyn. She was a beacon of hope and an anchor for him amid the storm that continued to rage outside the castle and in his head.
“I don’t fear the dark or the storms; I just can’t control what they do to my mind,” Alex confessed. “They take control, and I can’t shake the terror or the memories away.”
“Does Brice experience these nightmares?”
“Aye. How’d you guess? I didn’t find out until right before I left Mangerton.”
“Because I know your brother and how close you are. He must suffer such guilt,” Caitlyn mused.
“There was naught he could have done.” Alex’s decisive tone convinced Caitlyn even more that Alex never realized Brice likely shared his guilt.
“Mayhap. But that can’t possibly be what he feels. I remember you both swore to your mother to always protect one another. Brice may live with these nightmares, but you haven’t told me he bears the same impediments as you. He must struggle with knowing that because his enemy injured him first, someone injured you.”
Alex laid still beside Caitlyn, wondering if he’d been so incredibly self-involved for so long that he hadn’t noticed Brice suffered wounds no one saw. Alex’s eyes closed as he shuddered. It had taken Brice half a year to admit that he had nightmares too. He’d said he didn’t speak of them because he worried about making Alex’s own suffering worse. Alex never imagined Brice felt the guilt that he did. A wave of exhaustion swept over him as he thought about how much effort and strain it must put on Brice to be the cheerful person everyone expected if he no longer felt that way.
“You haven’t seen Brice in ages, yet you understand him better than I do.”
“I have Cairren. I can imagine what it must be like for you and Brice, because that’s how it would be for me if something happened to my sister.”
“I have been so unconscionably self-centered for months. I’ve likely made Brice’s life miserable, and I still can’t forgive myself for what I said to you. How’re you even beside me?”
“Because I’m piecing it together, and I’m finding a mon I care for deeply who’s still hurting. Everyone else only notices the wounds on the outside. You’ve hurt me since you arrived, but I suspect it’s happened because you know I won’t turn away from you. You’ve needed to vent your feelings, and you know you’re safe with me.”
“That doesn’t make it all right, Caity. That makes it worse,” Alex stated as he sat up. “That means I’ve taken advantage of you in the worst way. I’ve treated you like shite and expected to get away with it. That isn’t a friend. That isn’t aught that should be in your life.”
“I can decide for myself whether what you’ve done is too horrible to forgive and whether I want to remain friends with you. Why do you insist on making every decision alone? Is that how it’ll be?”
“It’ll be?” Alex’s tone reflected his confusion. He watched Caitlyn pull away, unsure why she retreated. She slid from the bed and righted the chair. She drew it to the bedside and reached for Alex’s hand. She wove her fingers between hers.
“Go to sleep, Alex. We’re both tired.”
“But Caity…” Alex didn’t understand the shift that happened in the matter of seconds. Caitlyn was still by his side, but something was different besides her no longer lying next to him. He watched her rest her head on the mattress and close her eyes. He stroked her hair, much like she had done for him. He could tell she fought falling asleep before him, but eventually she drifted off. Alex lay still and watched her. He wanted to beg her to cuddle beside him again. He wanted to beg that she forgive him for whatever transgression he committed a moment ago. He wanted to beg God to stop being so cruel. Because all he really wanted was to hold the woman he would love for the rest of his life.
* * *
Caitlyn woke to light shining around the cowhide at the window embrasure. Her eyes fluttered open as she realized she still laced her fingers with Alex’s. When she lifted her head, she found brilliant emerald orbs gazing at her from behind horribly bruised and swollen eyelids. Bruises mottled Alex’s face, and it shocked her that he could still open his eyes even a slit. Whoever attacked him hadn’t broken his nose or his jaw, but there were bruises along both sides of his chin. She suppressed her gasp as she took in the damage.
Caitlyn’s mouth felt parched from the warm, dry air the fire generated throughout the night. She swallowed and swiped her tongue across the insides of her cheeks as she considered what to say. She’d fallen asleep to keep tears from trickling from her eyes. She’d told herself—convinced herself—that she could live without Alex marrying her if they could remain close friends. But when he hadn’t understood her reference to the future, albeit a rather ambiguous one, it was a fresh stab to her heart. She had to accept that Alex no longer wanted to marry her, and he didn’t intend to change his mind.
“Did you sleep?” Caitlyn’s voice sounded husky from slumber. The sound shot heat to Alex’s cock, which stirred inconveniently. He adjusted the sheet and sat up, praying the new position hid the evidence that he wasn’t immune to Caitlyn. Despite how his body ached from his beating, one part of him still worked without difficulty.
Alex had realized after she’d fallen asleep what her comment meant. She still envisioned a future together. He hadn’t understood and he still couldn’t agree, but he felt wretched that he’d hurt her yet again. He’d watched a tear slide down her cheek as her eyelids relaxed in slumber.
“Rested,” Alex responded. “It’s still early. I have heard no one stirring in the passageway. One of the men can escort you back to your chamber.”
“I need to check your wounds first. Have you felt feverish?” Caitlyn rose and pressed Alex’s uninjured shoulder forward, so she could examine his stitches. “You should cover that with bandages before you dress. Would you like me to help?”
Would I like her to? Of course. Any reason for her to touch me is one I don’t want to turn down. But can I hide my poleaxe under this sheet? Dear saints, she’s already leaning forward with the linen strips.
Alex tried not to fidget as Caitlyn wound the bandages around his ribs to cover the stitches. He bunched the sheet over his groin, praying it hid his obvious interest. When she leaned sideways to pass the bandage beneath his left arm, he caught glimpses of her cleavage. He felt like a wolf salivating over a lamb. He forced himself not to lick his chops—or worse, her breasts. He didn’t breathe easy until she stepped back, and he no longer peered at breasts he wished to make a meal of. His mouth tingled with his desire to knead the supple flesh and suckle them.
“There’s enough yarrow here to cover the other cuts. You can put more witch hazel on the bruises. If the pain bothers you, or you feel overheated, have a guard bring you boiling water and brew some tea.”
If I feel overheated? As opposed to now? I’d bluidy well go up in flames if I got any hotter.“Thank you, Caity. I appreciate you tending to me.” Caitlyn nodded and made to turn away, but Alex grasped her wrist. “Please promise me you won’t go anywhere without at least two of your guards. I’m serious aboot this. I don’t trust the Scotts not to come after you.”
“I promise, Alex. I’ll be careful.” Caitlyn hesitated, then placed a kiss on his forehead. They’d both noticed David sitting against the door and sensed he was awake. But he was discreet and kept his eyes closed. “David, could someone walk me back, please?”
