“Tell me what you remember, Alex,” Caitlyn whispered before she kissed his marred cheek. “It’s only me. I won’t repeat what you don’t want me to.”
“I know you won’t, Caity. I trust you more than anyone but Brice. You’re tied for it.” Alex twisted his head to kiss the palm that cupped his cheek again. “I don’t remember everything, but I know I didn’t even notice them approach me.”
“How can that be? You’re always aware of what’s happening. You’ve chastised me often enough for not being aware.”
Alex clenched his jaw as he glanced at his left shoulder. “Obviously, I’m not.”
“St. Michael’s sword, Alex! You survived that day. Something went your way,” Caitlyn snapped.
“Bluidy load of good it did me. Everyone would be better off if I hadn’t.”
Caitlyn grasped Alex’s jaw in a punishing hold. “Don’t you dare say something so horrid ever again. Do you understand what it would have done to me if you’d died? You may not want me, but I don’t think I could survive knowing you’re dead.” Tears streamed down Caitlyn’s cheeks as she released Alex’s jaw. She hadn’t realized how tightly she held it until her fingers cramped.
“Caity, I’ve never not wanted you,” Alex confessed. “But I proved tonight that I’m worthless to you and everyone else. Not only couldn’t I protect you had you still been with me, I couldn’t even defend myself.”
“Then where are your two dirks that are missing?” Caitlyn demanded. She watched confusion settle into Alex’s expression, and she realized he didn’t recall most of what happened. “My men said two of your dirks were missing when your men found you. I doubt anyone in the keep would steal them. On the street, definitely. Here, no. You must have defended yourself because they weren’t on you or in the passageway.”
Alex closed his eyes, his brow furrowing as he tried to remember. He recalled the storm, then he recalled the first few punches, but nothing else came to mind. “I’m not sure. I don’t remember that.”
“What do you remember? Please tell me, Alex. Whatever it is, not knowing is scaring me far more.”
Alex saw as much as felt Caitlyn’s anxiety. He didn’t want to keep secrets from her, but it was humiliating to admit a shortcoming that nearly killed him. “I told you I don’t sleep well.”
“Aye. That’s why you have all these candles.” Caitlyn hadn’t registered that it was the candles that Alex must have purchased in town that lit his chamber, but she recognized the scent.
“I have nightmares. I remember that battle every night. Now that I have the candles, I can sleep through more of the night. I realized when I took a nap and didn’t have a single nightmare, it’s the dark that causes them.” Alex peered toward the window embrasure. He could hear the rain falling, but the fierce storm had passed. “But it’s not only the dark that causes me to remember, to feel like I’m there all over again. There was a storm raging as bad as tonight’s while we fought. It was so dark that it appeared almost like night. I think that’s why darkness bothers me. When I passed an arrow slit, the thunder seemed to reverberate through the passageway, and the lightning was extraordinarily bright. I was there all over again.”
Caitlyn listened to Alex as he told her what she was certain few people knew. She tried to envision all that he shared, and her soul ached for the pain Alex endured. She understood the invisible wounds caused him more agony than even his arm. Caitlyn glanced at Alex’s cuts, glad to find they’d all stopped bleeding. She felt bad for sending for suturing supplies since she didn’t think he needed stitches after all. With space and no blood trickling from him, Caitlyn lay on her side and rested her hand on Alex’s chest. He slid his right arm beneath her and pulled her closer.
“I froze, Caity. It was like I was no longer here in Stirling. I was back in Liddesdale near the Hermitage. I was back on that hill in the storm, fighting the waves of Scotts that descended upon us and the Elliots. We outnumbered them, so I’d been confident from the start that we already claimed the victory, but it was brutal all the same. They had the advantage of elevation while we slogged through bogs and mud. I’m not sure if it was the weather or our enemy, but it was the most brutal fight I’ve ever been in. And as I stood beside the arrow slit tonight, I was certain I was there. I felt Brice no longer at my back. I felt the sword cut through my shoulder, and the dirk pierce my cheek. I felt the unbearable pain of dragging Brice out of the fray, only caring at the time that my brother was still alive.”
Caitlyn rose up on her elbow, her hand sliding to wrap her arm across Alex’s chest. Their gazes met; once again, what Alex expected to find wasn’t there. Tenderness and concern filled Caitlyn’s eyes. He raised his chin, and she accepted the offer. Their kiss was brief, but neither could deny they filled it with love.
“Stop waiting for me to pity you, Alex,” Caitlyn said. “You will die an auld mon before that happens. I hate what’s happened to you. I sympathize with your pain, and I commiserate with what you’ve lost. But I do not pity you. You are no less a mon to me than you were six months ago. To have survived what you’ve told me, to be familiar with the journey you took from Mangerton to here and imagining the discomfort of riding and sleeping on the ground, to watch you in constant pain, and to observe how you endure others. Well, all of that makes me respect you more. I lo—” Caitlyn stopped as the door inched open.
Caitlyn pulled herself away from Alex’s embrace, straightening her skirts as she sat beside him. She registered the men’s surprise, and she realized she should have been washing Alex’s wounds. She prayed none of them became infected, or she might be begging the physician to return with his leeches. She watched Alex and sensed there was more he wished to say, but she understood not in front of his men. She hoped he would confide in her again and finish telling her what happened.
“Could someone fetch boiling water? I need to brew willow bark tea. I see you found some,” Caitlyn said as she poured out the sack of supplies on the bed. She moved to the washstand and poured water into the basin to soak a linen square and rub soap against it. She rang most of the water from it and moved to the opposite side of the bed. She cleaned Alex’s wounds, thanking the man who brought the ewer and basin closer. There was only one cut that she hadn’t seen on Alex’s back that she felt warranted stitches. The guards helped hold Alex in position. He swallowed his pride, but he refused to swallow the whisky Caitlyn encouraged him to drink. She struggled not to cry when Alex didn’t register the additional pain as the needle passed through his skin over and over. She understood he lived with such pain daily, and other parts of him surely hurt more, that he didn’t notice the pricks as she sewed.
Caitlyn finished tying off the thread when Mitcham arrived with the steaming water. She brewed the tea, letting it steep while she spread yarrow paste around and over the stitches. She dabbed witch hazel, which made Alex’s breath whistle, on his other cuts and abrasions. But he didn’t move during any of her ministrations. Stephen and Mitcham helped prop Alex up with pillows so he could sip tea. David stood near the door, listening for any noise in the passageway.
“Thank you, Caity. You must be fatigued. I wish you good sleep,” Alex whispered. Caitlyn jerked her chin back, her brow furrowing.
“I’m not going anywhere, Alex.”
“You can’t stay here all night, Caity,” Alex argued.
“If being here is going to ruin my reputation, then merely stepping foot on this floor did that. Whether I spent five minutes or the entire night in here with you, any damage has already happened.”
“You can slip out of here now with no one the wiser. You can’t do that in the morn,” Alex asserted.
“Do any of you have the skills to tend a fever or deal with an infected wound before looking for a healer?” Caitlyn asked the guards. The men frowned and shook their heads. “If I leave this chamber, it’s only to go in search of more medicinals, Alex. Someone who knows what she’s doing needs to be here if you get worse. Is there someone else you’d prefer?”
“Caitlyn,” Alex warned, but he realized she wasn’t being facetious. She feared he might name someone. He whispered, “You know there isn’t.”
“I’ll sit in that chair if you’re worried I’ll compromise your reputation,” Caitlyn said with a wink as she stood to wash her hands. She glanced around the chamber and realized it was darker than it had been when she arrived. With the candles on the bedside table near her, she’d had enough light to work. But several had gutted, as had ones on the other side. She couldn’t fetch more candles in the middle of the night. “Could someone please stoke the fire. I want a blaze.”
At Alex’s confused expression, her eyes darted to the candles on each table. Alex’s gaze followed hers, understanding her request. Caitlyn watched as David threw extra logs and peat into the hearth until the flames jumped up the chimney. The room glowed brighter, but it also grew much warmer.
