Ewan was lost to the pleasure of Allyson’s mouth as his tongue dove into the silken depths, but he stopped himself before his hand roamed to her breast. He still recalled they were in public and that anyone might stumble upon them. It was that memory that brought Ewan to a stop. He eased away as he kissed her jaw, then temple, and finally the tip of her nose before sitting up. He sat up and assisted Allyson, but he couldn’t take his eyes off her disheveled hair and rosy cheeks. They ate in companionable silence, but once they cleared away the empty containers, Allyson laid back down and stared up at the clouds.
“When I was a young girl, I would lie out here and watch the clouds float by. I would pick out shapes and tell myself stories based upon what I spotted. I would be out here for hours.”
“Did your guards enjoy your stories, or did you keep them to yourself?”
“Guards? I didn’t bring any.”
“You came out here alone? How old were you?”
Allyson shrugged as she continued to stare up at the sky. “I don’t know. I suppose I started coming out here when I was six or seven, and continued until just before I left for court.”
Ewan clenched his jaw to keep from speaking. It stunned him to learn that Laird and Lady Elliot allowed Allyson to roam unsupervised beyond the walls. He wouldn’t allow any child or beautiful young woman outside the gates of the Gordon keep without someone to defend them, let alone the laird’s daughter. Regardless of what anyone thought or said about Allyson’s parentage, the laird and lady claimed her as their own. That made her a target.
“Ally, that’s not all right. As the laird’s daughter, you would be the perfect hostage held for ransom, and as a beautiful young woman, it terrifies me to imagine what some nefarious mon might do to you. Promise me, Ally, if we wed that you’ll always take at least one guard with you any time you leave the walls. I will never stop you from going where and when you want, but I can’t stomach you being unprotected. Especially not after what happened at Chillingham. Please.” Ewan was practically begging by the end of his entreaty, and Allyson saw how seriously Ewan viewed the situation. She nodded and reached forward to brush hair over his shoulder before leaning in and kissing his cheek.
“I wanted to escape the keep and all who were there, so when no one ever stopped me, I came down here. I was aware I was within sight of the guards, but I also understood that wouldn’t matter. No one would reach me if someone came on horseback or by boat.”
“It seems like there has been a lot in this life you wish you could escape,” Ewan mused in a hushed tone. “You’d rather risk the unknown than continue with what you grew up with.”
“Aye.” Allyson laid back down, finding it easier to admit her feelings when she didn’t have to look directly at Ewan. “As much as the cutting remarks still hurt, being ignored as a child was far worse. When I was alone out here, it didn’t feel like I was being overlooked. It felt like freedom. It felt like my choice.”
“That’s why you ran. When the king, our fathers, and I threatened the little freedom and choice you found at court with people who paid attention, you ran.”
“Among other things, yes. It felt like I was being suffocated as I stood in the Privy Council listening to everyone deciding for me again.” Allyson glanced at Ewan before continuing. “If we’re being honest, I don’t think I would have reacted as I did if it was someone else.”
“Oh?” Ewan couldn’t think of anything else to say, or at least not anything polite.
Allyson rolled onto her side, bending her elbow and resting her head on her hand. “You’re a handsome mon and will always be a handsome mon. Women will always flock to you, and as you said at court, you didn’t plan to turn them away. I was certain of it before you even spoke the words. Those two things together crushed me. I couldn’t face being forgotten and rejected again and again. If the king and my father presented a mon who wanted to be faithful, I wouldn’t have run. Even a mon who might ignore me but not stray would have been satisfactory. But to live my life being pushed aside for someone else, over and over? Well, I could just stay here for that.”
Ewan reclined and pulled Allyson flush to his body before feathering a kiss on her lips. “I understand now that I’ve seen you here. You’re a different person, and I detest it. The Allyson I know is full of vim and vigor. You laugh and enjoy life at court, or at least look like you do. Here you retreat. It’s disconcerting, to say the least. I want to see you jesting and teasing like I’m used to. And I want it to be for real. I understand much of it is for show at court, but you seem lighter and less troubled when you’re there.”
“I suppose it’s true. For all the machinations and deceptions that go on at court, for all the times I had to force a smile, I was able to be myself. But even then, pretending to want to be around people constantly was exhausting. I just want somewhere where I can be myself and not have to perform.”
“I want to offer that to you.”
“Why? I still don’t understand what made you change so drastically, so suddenly. It doesn’t make sense, Ewan. It makes it hard to trust you.” Allyson ducked her head and blinked several times to keep the tears at bay.
“I prayed. I talked to God and—" Ewan paused as Allyson glanced around frantically to ensure no one heard Ewan. He realized she feared someone would pronounce him a heretic for claiming to speak with God. “I mean I didn’t speak with a priest to make my confession, but I prayed for forgiveness after considering my many transgressions. Ally, I’ve always considered myself a mon of honor and duty, but there would be no honor in being unfaithful after pledging myself before God, you, and witnesses then turning around and throwing it all to the wind. If I’m to lead my clan one day, I must do it by example. And that’s the one way in which my father failed.”
“Your father? Was he not faithful to your mother?”
“Hardly. My mother was not a warm woman, and she detested being a wife and found no enjoyment in being a mother.”
“Were your parents not attentive to you and Eoin?”
Ewan shook his head slowly. He wished he could empathize with Allyson, but he’d had a happy childhood. Despite his parents' faults and the damage they each did to their marriage, they hadn’t neglected their sons. “They were. My mother wanted to be a nun, but her father refused to consider it and arranged a marriage to my father. She didn’t want him or any mon in her bed, so when she delivered twin lads, she fulfilled her duty. She refused to allow my father near her and encouraged him in word and deed to take mistresses. I can see now how he erred. He put his own pleasures ahead of honor. While my mother lived, he never should have bedded another woman.” Ewan took Allyson’s hand in his and entwined their fingers. “I don’t know that we’ll get along once we wed. I don’t know if any lasting affection will grow, but if you should decide you no longer want to share a bed with me, I will not take another woman to mine. Pleasures of the flesh shouldn’t come before a vow to God or to my wife. I don’t know that my clan thinks any less of my father for his choices. In fact, I’m certain many sympathize and even support it, but the past fortnight has given me reason to question that. I don’t want my people to accept me as a hypocrite. It’s also taken this unexpected turn to make me realize not all wives will be like my mother.”
“You assumed your wife would be like your mother?” Allyson wrinkled her nose, but Ewan saw the twinkle in her eye and realized she was trying to lighten the solemn mood that overtook him.
“When Eoin and I were about five or six, Mother grew cold and no longer treated us with affection. I think she believed we outgrew the need for it. But despite that, she was attentive. She argued Father should spare the expense and allow her to tutor us. She’d benefited from an education provided by the nuns at the abbey near her clan’s home, so she was knowledgeable enough to teach us our numbers and to read and write in Gaelic, English, French, and Latin. She drilled everything into us, and Eoin and I are better for it. She loved to be outdoors and took us on long walks where she taught us about all sorts of flora and fauna. She might not have been warm with other people, but she had a way with animals. Woodland creatures chattered about her feet and followed her. She taught us to respect nature and God’s creatures, but she warned us never to touch them. She’d learned that they carried diseases and were unlikely to be as trusting of us as we might be of them.”
Ewan paused as he stared into the distance where the river babbled. A smile twitched at the corner of his mouth, and Allyson knew he was reminiscing. He turned back to her before continuing his story.
“When we grew old enough to join Father in the lists, she assumed she’d finished her duties as a mother, so she focused all of her attention on prayer and running the keep. By that time, she’d engrained her faith into me and Eoin, and I still find solace in going to church and praying. But she’d ended any relationship she had with Father. They were barely civil to one another, and Father did nothing to disguise his relationships with other women.”
“And up until a couple of sennights ago, you didn’t see any issues with your father’s choices. He’s a strong laird and respected mon. I suppose I can understand how you’d grow up assuming that an arranged marriage didn’t have to keep you from enjoying your life, that it was a business agreement more than aught else.”
“But I should have also seen how miserable it made both of them. And I shouldn’t have assumed all noble wives would be like Mother.”
