My body shook with laughter, but I didn’t let him go.No one had ever made me laugh like he did, the pitch of it a bit brighter in my ears, it sounded good with his.His beautiful smile, wide and lined.The crinkles pressed deeper at the corners of his eyes.And his lips full and pink, they looked so soft.I remembered the press of his mouth.
I wanted it with a dizzying intensity.
My judgment hid within a cloud.
I leaned forward needing the clarity of his kiss.I’d understand everything if I could just rest my mouth on his.Taste what I’d missed for—how long had it been?It felt like an eternity.It felt like I had found this lost part of me.The part of me I left behind on that doorstep in the rain—
Gasping, I pulled back, releasing my grip and taking a step away.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Remi
Aliciaflittedaroundthekitchen, throwing away the empty containers and grabbing a washcloth to clean her face of the last of the frosting.Her cheeks were bright red, whether from embarrassment or anger or some other emotion, I didn’t know.
I looked down at the chocolate still on my thumb, and now that we’d almost kissed—that I’d almost had her mouth on mine—no other flavor would satisfy me.She went still when I took the two steps to the sink she was standing in front of.I wanted to run a comforting hand down her back, but I kept my hands to myself.
“Excuse me,” I said.
She hummed and moved as far away from me as the counters would allow.
Watching the water wash over my skin, I asked, “You okay?”
“Of course.Why wouldn’t I be?”
With an eyebrow raised, I turned to her.
Her exhale of breath depressed her chest and her shoulders fell a few inches, but she was still wound visibly tight.It was the smallest shake of her head that made it clear she didn’t want or wasn’t ready for us to discuss this further.She definitely wasn’t ready to pick up where we left off.
Nodding, I looked out the window over the sink wiping a towel between my palms.It was dark.Of course it was dark, it was winter in Michigan—it was always dark.I missed the sun.The starless sky stretched over the cherry orchard across the road.The branches were twisted and sharp and empty.But there was life teaming under their bark.It just took some patience and then they’d be green and heavy with fruit.
If only patience could fix everything.
I gripped the back of my neck, only kind of wishing for death.“Well, I’m spent.I’m gonna head home.”
“Good.Have a good night, thanks for hanging.”She wouldn’t look at me.
Alicia stayed tucked in the kitchen as I scratched the top of Furgie’s head.She placed her front paws on my lower thigh, urging me to stay a little longer, but I was past my welcome.“You’re a good dog.”
I slipped my feet into my shoes and opened Alicia’s door.I paused just before stepping onto our porch.For just a moment, I reconsidered leaving.I didn’t want to leave us in this tension.
There is no “us.”
The reminder was all it took for me to take that step out of her place.It didn’t matter what I’d come to understand about myself and my feelings for her, she didn’t want me here.
At home, I made sure Bliss’s food and water was full.With an immense exhaustion that had more to do with my emotions than physical labor, I hauled myself up the stairs to my bed.I lay on top of my blankets unable to find the executive function to change into my pajamas.staring at the crack in the plaster of my ceiling, I listened as Alicia wandered from one end of her room to the other.
After a few minutes, her voice came through the wall, she sounded choked with the same emotions that made tears well in my eyes.“Hey, Sadie, I need to talk.Can you just listen and not ...throw my own advice back in my face?”
Her watery laugh at whatever the person on the other end of the call said twisted my heart so tightly that I rubbed my fist over it as if it were a muscle I could massage the ache out of.Moving as quietly as I could manage, I went back downstairs.Even though I could hear her didn’t mean that I should.Just because I would give up some vital part of my body—which under scrutiny was pretty much every part of my body—to know what she was thinking and feeling, I didn’t want to find out in a way that would violate her privacy.
I wanted her to come to me because she trusted me.
Instead, I stared up at the cracking ceiling of the living room trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings.Tears were just beginning to leak from the corners of my eyes into the hair at my temples, when Bliss chirped, jumping up on my chest.She lay down like a little bread loaf and purred.I stroked a hand down her soft fur.And little by little my eyelids grew heavy, weighed down by twenty pounds of fur and companionship.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Remi
