We all stayed gathered in the basement together until everyone was properly drunk and exhausted from so much laughter. Adam, who’d come off of a night shift at the hospital the night before, could barely keep his eyes open as he finally stood up to say goodnight with Rachel trailing behind him. Shortly after, Logan excused himself, too.
I helped my mom clean up and put the leftover pizza away while my father added more wood to the stove, making sure the house stayed warm for us all throughout the night.
At some point, while we were all in the basement, the snow had begun falling outside. I’d noticed a flurry of white glistening through the kitchen window as I tucked the leftover food into the fridge, and immediately felt a surge of delight. Tomorrow morning we’d all wake up together under one roof just like old times, and outside would be a snowy wonderland—a perfect setting for our Thanksgiving holiday.
After kissing my parents goodnight, I headed up the stairs to my room. I grabbed my warm pajamas from the dresser and changed before heading to the bathroom with my small bag of toiletries. When I opened the bedroom door to cross the hallway to the bathroom, I noticed that Logan’s door was also ajar. I could have sworn that it was closed a few minutes ago when I got up here, but I brushed off the thought as I entered the bathroom and shut the door behind me.
I washed my face and thoroughly brushed my teeth twice, not wanting to wake up in the morning with the taste of stale alcohol on my tongue. After downing a large glass of water, I headed back to my room.
The door to Logan’s room was still open, and I noticed how dark it was inside. Was he asleep in there? Doubtful—I couldn’t imagine him choosing to sleep with his door open. Was he somewhere else in the house?
The pull of curiosity was too strong to ignore. If he was downstairs somewhere, perhaps I could catch him alone so that I could apologize. We’d had such a great day today, and I wanted to put in the effort to keep it going. After all, what happened all those years ago wasn’t his fault. I knew I needed to take responsibility and finally clear the air.
I went back into my room to grab my coat in case I found him outside. I had a feeling he’d be out there, somewhat reminiscent of how I used to find him in the middle of the night when we were younger.
I kept the lights off when I reached the bottom of the stairs and as I peered out through the glass panel of the backdoor in the kitchen, I could see Logan’s dark silhouette from the same chair he’d been in earlier when he was talking with my father. The snow fell lazily around him as he sat unmoving in the night, right in front of me but also miles away.
The sight of him out there—the familiarity of it—hit me deep in my bones. He was always so carefully rooted within himself as he worked through things in his mind. He kept most of his thoughts and feelings close, only sharing what was at the surface with those around him. I yearned to go back in time, when things were so much easier between us, to be the person that he opened up to. Someone that he shared his biggest dreams and his deepest fears with.
I felt a swell in my chest, a feeling of hope that we could get close to that place again.
I walked out the back door and turned the handle before I let myself chicken out. Immediately, the cold air sent a wave of goosebumps over my skin. The heavy winds from earlier had calmed down some, but the lasting breeze was near freezing as it curled around me. I put my arms through my coat and zipped it up, grateful for the warmth it gave.
Logan didn’t move as I made my way toward him. It was possible he didn’t hear me come out, but more likely it was that he’d somehow known it was me, just like old times. I sat down in the chair beside him, feeling the déjà vu of a past life.
I turned to study his stoic profile; his eyes were locked on some tree or hill in the distance as snow collected in his hair. My eyes caught on a snowflake as it landed on a long eyelash. I took a deep breath before I found my voice. “Thank you.”
I saw his eyebrows furrow mere millimeters as he kept his eyes focused on whatever he was looking at, keeping himself guarded. “For what?” he asked.
“For today. It was a really great day.”
His eyebrows furrowed even deeper. “I didn’t do anything.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yes you did. You treated me . . .normal. I’m not sure that I deserved that, but I’m grateful for it. It was nice to feel back in that place with you.”
At this, he looked at me. His face was swirled in confusion. “Why wouldn’t you deserve for me to be normal around you?”
“Because . . .” I took a deep breath in pause, nervously looking down at the ground. This was my chance. My chance to come clean and make things right. “Because, I messed things up between us a long time ago. And I . . . I deeply regret it.” Logan continued watching me but he didn’t say anything in response. “Look, I never should have been so naive to assume I knew what your feelings were toward me back then. You’re family, Logan. And Ithreatenedthat for you. For all of us.”
This time, it was Logan who let out a long breath. “Amelia, I don’t blame you for anything. I never have. You have nothing to apologize for.” His amber eyes watched me carefully. Insistently.
I shook my head. “Look, I’m the reason we haven’t been friends in years. I’m the reason you’ve been so distant. And I get it! I was reckless with my feelings and I blamed you for the inadequacy that I felt as a result. I was selfish and destructive and you never deserved any of it from me.”
“Stop.” Logan’s command was firm, even as he kept his voice soft. “If anyone was reckless with their feelings, it was me. If anyone was selfish or destructive, Amelia, I assure you that it was me. So don’t you for asecondburden yourself with the blame of where we are now. It’s not your burden to bear, I promise you that.”
I stared at him for what felt like endless seconds, completely baffled by his words. Why was he trying to take responsibility for what happened? I was the one who let my feelings get in the way of our friendship. Unless . . . “Wait. Are you saying that youdidhave feelings for me back then?”
Logan turned his eyes back toward the distance. His neutral expression had changed into something more raw, but I didn’t know what to make of it. I leaned back into my chair, taking all of this in. Had I actually been right all those years ago?
After so much silence that I was sure the conversation was over, I heard Logan quietly ask, “What happened between you and Noah?”
I looked back at him, seeing the firm set of his jaw as he waited for my answer.No reason not to be honest about it, I thought. “I came home early from a work dinner and found him cheating on me,” I responded, working to keep any emotion from my tone.
His jaw flexed in response, and I could see a flash of anger in his eyes before he settled himself back into his mask of neutrality. “Hm. I never liked him.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle in response. “If I’m being really honest with you, I don’t think I did either. Not as much as I thought I did, at least.”
I saw the slightest tilt of his mouth at that before he got up out of his chair. “It’s late, Mills. We should get some rest.” He pressed his hand briefly to my shoulder as he turned back toward the house, and my skin immediately ignited at his touch. I heard the back door open and close as Logan retreated inside, headed off to his bed just across the hall from mine.
