“I promise I’ll do everything in my power not to, Little Bear.” Pressing my lips to his forehead, I have to shut my eyes and take a few seconds to get my shit together. I’ve hurt them more than I even know. All I can do is try to be better now.
“I love you, Bear.” I whisper against his brow.
“I love you, Uncle Mac.” He smiles at me.
* * *
Just two hours later I’m sitting in my therapist’s office repeating what happened. Justin’s cool. He listens, and he helps me work through my shit. He’s also a recovering alcoholic withtwenty years of sobriety under his belt. So he can definitely relate to the things I go through.
“So what happened after the conversation with your nephew?” He asks me, and I close my eyes to picture it as I tell him.
“He ran off not long after to help his Ma with something, and I went straight to his Da to talk to him about it. I can’t keep secrets anymore. I can’t sweep this under the rug.”
“That’s good, Mac. How did that conversation go?” He’s not patronizing the way so many therapists can be.
“He told me that he was pissed for a while. Hell, he still has every right to be pissed now. I apologized and told him I had no idea that Rhett saw anything. He promised me that they’d worked through it already, and they weren’t angry at me. I don’t know how they aren’t. I’m angry at myself.”
“It’s really important to take ownership for things you did while in active addiction, which is what you did by talking to Rowan. I’m proud of you for that. However, you cannot let that guilt drag you backwards. It happened; you talked to them about it. It sounds like you acknowledged both of their feelings and apologized. That’s not an easy thing to do.”
“Thank you, I really am trying.”
We switch gears to Lee and how I get to see her tonight. How my nerves about that are through the roof, but I’m working through it. We talk about the cravings and how I want to crawl out of my skin most days still because I just want that drink. I can’t do that though, it’s counterproductive to my recovery. I think this is where the fact that I think very logically comes into play. I can’t just have one drink or one sip. One will never be one until it’s the last one and I die from it.
Once my session is done and I walk out of the office, I dialLee. It rings out and goes to voicemail. Hanging up, I text her and let her know I’ll be there as soon as my meeting is over in a few hours. She might be in the shower or asleep. She thinks I don’t notice how she skirts around my asking about her and how she’s doing from a health perspective, but I do. I have eyes on her apartment still, so I know something is going on, and tonight I’ll find out what that is.
Dialing Davis, he answers on the second ring, “What’s up, Byrne?”
“Meet at the diner before our meeting?” We keep calls pretty short because we both hate talking on the phone unless we’re talking to our women.
“Depends. You ready to man up and get started on that fourth step?”
“Ha-ha you’re so funny. I’m plenty of ‘man’ thanks for the concern. But seriously, yeah. How soon can you meet?”
“Be there in thirty. We’ll get through it together.”
I loudly exhale before responding, “Yeah, I’ll see you then.” We exchange goodbyes and hang up. After sliding into my Jeep, my phone vibrates in my hand before I have a chance to toss it in my cup holder. I decide to check it before pulling out.
Mac: I’ll see you as soon as my meeting is over. I can’t wait to hold you tonight, Beautiful.
Lee: I’m so excited. Have a good meeting, then come to me. I’ve missed you.
The smile that takes over my face is involuntary.
Mac: I’ll be there before you know it. I’m going to meet up with Davis before. I’ve missed you more than there are sharks in the ocean.
Lee: How do I know you mean that?
She’s teasing, I can tell. But I give her what she’s looking for nonetheless.
Mac: Because I tell you the truth baby, Always.
Lee: See you soon, Handsome. Truth, Always.
* * *
Lee
The past month has moved so slowly that I feel like it’s been four months instead of just weeks. I’m trying not to tell Mac so much about what’s been going on with me because he’s so immersed in therapy and his sobriety journey. As he should be. I don’t want to take any of that from him. He worries so easily. We talk on the phone every night and text constantly, but it isn’t the same as having him with me, and I miss him. Tonight’s the night he comes over though, and I’m trying to make myself look better than I feel.
