“I’m sorry that it scared you. You know it’s funny, I had a similar conversation with Clara the other day. I’m here Kie, I’m alive and well. You guys are all okay, Rhett is calling me Daddy, and Clara finally admitted she loves me. Truly I could not be better. I’m careful out there. You know this. At the same time, I can’t stop everything. All I can do is my best when shit gets dicey. That, and make sure that you guys are safe and taken care of if this life finally catches up with me one day. I’ve done everything on my end to make sure if I do nothing else, I did that.” His eyes finally come back to me,so much anxiety and fear swirling in them.
He shifts uncomfortably, “I know that, it’s just, you’re my big brother. You stepped up when Da and Ma were killed, then to see you shot. It just messed with my head for a little bit. Really, I’m okay though. You’re right, you are careful and it’s not like you get shot weekly. The peace we’ve had for almost two years lulled me into a false sense of security. I forgot what it was like to be in the trenches.”
“Are you sure? It’s okay for it to get to you sometimes.”
He waves me off, “No, I’m good. Where’s Rhett? I miss that Little Bear.”
Deciding to let it go I chuckle, “He’s outside swimming with Flynn. He’s been asking about you.”
“That’s because I’m his favorite.” He puffs out his chest just in time for the stress ball that I just beamed in his direction to hit him in it. Laughing a genuine laugh as he turns to leave he calls out, “Hey, Rowan?” Turning back around to me he looks so much younger than his twenty-three years.
They all do when they need a dad but all that’s left now is me, “Yeah?”
“I’m okay with you guys calling me Kie.”
Unable to hold back my smile I nod as he turns again and heads out of the door. Kieran hasn’t let us call him Kie since our parents died. Our mom used to call him it because she said he was the ‘key’ to keeping us all in line. If Kieran was serious about something we were all serious about it, but when Kie decided to incite chaos my parents were severely outnumbered three to one. With everything in my home life back on balance I head to my office to figure out what I’m going to do about Nikolai.
18
Chapter Eighteen
Clara
Istop in the doorway of Mac’s room and watch silently. Mac’s showing Rhett some kind of remote powered car he made just for him. I smile as I watch them talk back and forth about how cool it is and taking it on a test ride. Concluding that Rhett is as safe as always I make my way to the gym. As I’m getting everything ready to run off the stress of the past couple of weeks I shoot off a text to Mac letting him know where to find me if he needs me.
I never let anyone help me, it goes against the very fabric of my being. I wasn’t trained by Preston to need help, and I was trained by Preston for a long time. However, right now, just this once, I’ll let them help me. I need a moment to process alone. To blast my music and cry while running as fast as my legs will carry me. Popping my air pods in and starting thetreadmill my thoughts wander. The faster I go, the faster they fly through my head.
Everything from meeting Rowan, to being terrified that he’d died when he was shot. He’s okay and I know that, but the sheer terror that grasped my heart and twisted it all up was still there. Being terrified if he was going to come home on his own two feet or in a body bag. That’s the harsh reality of this life. I’ve endured so much emotional trauma over the past few weeks that I completely lose track of time as my legs continue to run and my brain continues to process it all.
Once my legs are struggling to keep going and my brain is finally quiet, I gradually slow down, then shut off the treadmill. Gasping for breath, tears running down my face, my legs buckle and I fall to the floor. Allowing myself five minutes to purge it all from my body. Five minutes, then I boss up and handle my business.
* * *
I’ve just got Rhett down for a nap when I’m greeted with what sounds like a crowd of animals all roaring at once. In reality, it’s all the boys arguing. I’ve gotten used to this as the weeks have gone on. We’ve settled in pretty well at this point. Still I’m not jumping for joy at the sound. Making my way into the living room my eyes catch on Rowan who’s the only one sitting as all the other brothers are up yelling at each other. But is my boyfriend involved? No, of course he isn’t. He’s sitting in one of the recliners smiling like a kid on Christmas morning with nothing short of amusement and glee shiningin his eyes.
One thing I’ve learned since being here is that these boys argue a lot. Always over the dumbest things, and usually antagonized by Rowan or Declan. Roe must see me because he holds his hand out to me. Not even acting like I was about to play hard to get, I move straight to him. As soon as I’m close enough he gently pulls me into his lap and kisses my shoulder.
“This is getting good, shall we take bets?”
“Bets on what, exactly? I’m going to say it’s safe to assume you’re the ringleader of this one since you’re just observing.” He gives me a look of fabricated shock and presses his hand to his chest.
“Me? Clara, how dare you? I did nothing….. Except ask them who they think Rhett’s favorite is. Then, I may have insisted he told me who the real favorite is.”
Smacking his shoulder lightly as I give him a mock glare, “You’re evil.”
He laughs freely, his face relaxed, and his smile completely at ease. “Hey, I just made a comment.” Turning our attention back to the men who are bickering like small children, I have to admit, it is funny.
Hearing Declan over the rest as he gets even louder, “You guys couldn’t be more wrong if you tried. Who watches his favorite movie with them at least three times a day? Not you guys. I’m his favorite, just get over it.”
Flynn doesn’t even try to hide his distaste, “You’re joking right? We all can recite every part of that movie. But who swims with him daily? AND plays outside with him until he’s ready to pass out in the evenings? Sully and I are definitely tied for first. He loves us, don’t be a hater because you idiots are too old to keepup with him.”
Sully pipes up with his agreement just as Mac catches them both in the back of the head, “Multiple problems with your theories. One, I’m only three and a half years older than you two so I’m not ‘old’. Two, Rhett follows me around everywhere. We build things and he loves building those kids solar cars with me. Yesterday he hung out with me in my computer room for over six hours. How could you even think that any of you hold a candle to that?”
Kieran lets out a dark chuckle and my eyes whip over to him. Rowan may be right, this is quality entertainment. My heart also may be ready to explode by seeing how much they love and adore my baby.
Kieran waits until everyone stops talking before he speaks up, “Bear only does all of that with you guys when I’m not around. Let’s not forget that he will come to my room and get me as soon as he wakes up, we have breakfast together, we hang out, we play, hell, he even attempts to work out with me. If I’m calling it like it is, he probably likes me more than he likes Roe.”
Rowan stiffens under me, “Watch it, Kie.” His voice is dark and menacing, it’s not a tone I’ve ever heard from him. Turning my attention to him he relaxes back into the chair, “I’m Daddy. You aren’t even playing the same sport as me. Nevertheless in the same league. Also, it isn’t you, asshole.”
