“It’s fine if you need space. I’ll give you space. But . . .” Mara sniffed and I snapped to look at her. Was she the one crying?
I’d seen this film before.
Sydney crying and saying how badly I’d hurt her even when she did something wrong. Her taking anything and making it my fault. Her crying until I did exactly what she wanted, and maybe some things she didn’t ask for just to try and make it okay.
Her crocodile tears and“You don’t really love me if you won’t do this.”I knew what it was like to feel unloved, so I didn’t want Sydney to feel that way.
“I can’t deal with your crying,” I growled.
Mara looked at me from a tearstained face, shrugging. “It’s a normal reaction when you’re upset, Jack.”
“No, you just want something.”
“Yeah!” Mara said, sniffling and heading for the tissue box. “I want you to be open with me. If you’re not ready to talk, that’s fine. I just need to know whether you need me or if you need space. I need a basic level of respect. I need you to look at me. If you’re freaking out, say it. If you need a hug?—”
“Oh because that’s what you need?” I snapped. “You want me to cater to what you need?”
“There were no strings attached when I told you I love y?—”
“Stop it,” I barked, staring into the bathroom sink. “Don’t say it again. You know there are strings attached, and you know what I can’t give you. I’ve been perfectly clear about that.”
Mara’s breath was shaky, coming in fast as she got more agitated. “You are worthy of love, Jack.”
I wheeled to look at her. “Would you quit fucking saying that? Love isn’t this thing that’s available and free and given without expectation. I’m so fucking sick of hearing you go on and on about it. You knew what you were getting, Mara. Say it again and this is over.”
Mara’s eyes narrowed. “That’s not exactly easy, Jacques.” I bristled at the name, but she looked mad enough that I couldn’t snap at her again. “We got married. You were the one who begged me to marry you. This was your idea.”
“And I told you,” I bit out, “where I couldn’t help you. I told you not to expect that of me.”
“I don’t expect that!”
“Stop fucking with me!” I said. “You’re just saying it to get what you want.”
Mara stood stunned, blinking hard. “I don’t know what she did to you, Jack, but I’m not her.”
“This has nothing to do with her,” I sniffed. “You want something you know I can’t give you. I’m not going to be that little Romeo for you. I’m not going to write you sonnets?—”
“I didn’t ask you to,” Mara interrupted me, her tone begetting no argument. “I didn’t ask you to say it back. I just wanted you to know that you are loved. That I love?—”
“Don’t say it,” I whimpered, turning away from her and picking at the door frame. “Please.”
“Jack,” she said, gripping the back of my arm and stroking her thumb over it. “You are worth it.”
But I can’t give it back. If I loved, I could be manipulated. If I loved, I could become someone I’m not at the hands of someone else.
Sydney’s voice rang in my head.“What are you going to do, Jack? Leave? And go where? Who else would love you? I’m starting to doubt whether I can.”
And if Mara loved me, she was making a mistake.
I popped my jaw forward, a clicking sound issuing from the joint.
“I won’t say it anymore if it hurts you to hear it. I didn’t want to hurt you. But know that my feelings won’t change. I’m so glad you’re in my life.”
I swallowed hard. “I can’t be here anymore.”
I walked into our room, putting on sweatpants instead of my pajama pants.
“Where are you going?” Mara said, her voice tiny as she watched me get ready.
