It was us.
Jack watched me with starry eyes as we parted, still standing on his skates with our faces close. “You make me so happy.”
That was the most I was going to get. He would never say it first. He couldn’t, and I knew that. But I could say it to him and maybe, just maybe, he’d start to feel it. He’d start to believe in what we had. He’d know it was more than an arrangement.
“I don’t need you to say it back,” I started, and his face dimmed. Maybe I was just imagining it. He had to be ready. I was delivering it as softly as I could. “But I love you, Jack.”
His lower lip tucked into his teeth the tiniest bit and his face was an impenetrable mask. He was still smiling, but his eyes went dead. Then the smile started to slip.
“Don’t overanalyze it,” I pleaded.
“I’m not,” he said, but his voice cracked.
“Just take it. Feel it. You have me. All of me.”
His eyes flicked over my face. “Okay.”
“Mama!” With Nikki’s help, Hazel skated our way, latching onto my leg. I stepped off Jack’s feet onto the ice and bent to pick Hazel up. But she wasn’t really after me. She reached for Jack.
“Dah-yy Yack!”
We both gasped. This was a first. We hadn’t forced the kids to call us any certain name, letting them choose whatever felt the most natural to them.
“Hey, Hazey Mazey,” he said, taking her from me and the life returned to his expression. “You’re skating like a champ. Did you just call me Daddy?”
“Pose for us!” a photographer on the ice called. We pivoted toward her and I put my hand on Jack’s arm, both to hold me upand show that we were together. After she thanked us, I turned to Jack, tugging on his arm for a kiss. Maybe if I just kept being affectionate, he’d take love in stride. At some point, he’d say it back. He just wasn’t ready right then, and that was okay.
Hazel leaned in for kisses too, getting a cheek kiss from both of us.
“Okay, this was fun but get me off this danger sheet, please,” I said.
Jack flashed a grimace of a smile, clearly distracted. He let me hold onto him while he escorted me back to the bench. I stood at the edge of the rink, giving him one last quick peck. When he pulled back, his expression was like he’d been holding his breath. He grimaced harder. “We’ll just wrap up out here and get these guys some hot chocolate, yeah?”
“Yeah,” I agreed, giving his forearms a squeeze before letting him go.
I knew he was scared. I knew he didn’t believe me. I knew he was afraid of what it meant for me to love him.
I just hoped he could feel how genuine I was being.
FORTY-ONE
JACK
DECEMBER
There wasno way I was talking to Mara aboutit. What she said to me on the ice.
That she loved me. What did that mean?
I knew Mara could love. She loved all the time with the kids, giving it so freely. But love? Romantic love? For me?
If she did, she was a fool.
The kids were asleep in an adjoining suite and I was getting ready for bed. I was brushing the piss out of my teeth, feeling my gums grating against the way I pressed. Mara appeared next to me, watching me in the bathroom mirror.
“Hey.” Mara’s soft hand came to my arm.
I spat in the sink and turned on the water. “Hey.”
