I shook my head. “I don’t need that. Just you, however I can have you.”
“You say that now, but you will. We’re sneaking around, Nick. It can’t go on forever. I’m tired of being a dirty secret.”
“You’re not a dirty secret, Annie. You’re the only one!”
“But when am I going to be with someone who can claim me in public? Why do I keep doing this? And you too! You were his secret, and I was his secret, and before that, I was her secret, and—” she cut off with a sucked-down cry. Being mindful of all her injuries, I pulled her tight to me.
“I know it hurts, angel. I know. It won’t be like this forever. It’s not like we’re somebody’s extra person. We’re just for each other, right?”
“Right,” she sniffled.
“Then it doesn’t matter who knows, does it? We know we have each other.”
“You could have someone you could really have. You did all your lessons. You could be out getting laid by whoever you want, and you’d be good at it now.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Annie, if I was interested in getting laid by just anyone, I could have been doing that. You know the last girl I tried with, I had to think about you to even get it up.”
She snapped to look at me. “What?”
“Yes. Not my finest moment. I’m not interested in other people.”
“It’s just because I’m your first,” she protested. “Everyone gets attached to their first.”
Okay, that kind of pissed me off. I ground my teeth. “I know you’re having trouble believing I’d choose you first because noone else has. But please don’t insult me because I’m younger and less experienced. I’m old enough to know what I want.”
“I’m five years older than you. What if . . . you know. People are going to say stuff.”
“Who cares what people say?”
“You might when it’s your name and my name getting dragged online.”
“Since when does the court of popular opinion matter?” I narrowed my eyes at her. “Are you ashamed of me?”
“What? No!”
“You are. You’re ashamed because I’m young and you shouldn’t be with me according to somebody.”
“Nick, that’s not fair.”
“Then tell me what is.”
She rubbed at her temple. “I’ve never been able to have a ‘normal’ relationship. I’ve always been half gay, or half secret, or having to settle for scraps of somebody. I’m always unconventional in some way or another.”
“Welcome to the world, Annie! People judge people! Do you think I like having everyone assume I’m straight because that’s safer when you play hockey? Do you think I like telling my friends I’m seeing someone mysterious? I hate it, but I do it because it’s worth it for this.”
“Well, maybe you can take it, but I’m so tired. I just want to be loved.”
It was a short statement, but so sad and vulnerable. I turned to her, making her meet my eyes. “You are, Annie.”
Her eyes went wide and she looked ready to cry, shaking her head. “I want to be loved for all my mistakes and for not doing everything for everyone. I want to be loved when I’m selfish and not a role model. I want it shouted from the fucking rooftops. I want to be able to go to goddamn brunch in public and not worry about someone figuring us out. I want to know that a plate of fucking eggs benedict isn’t going to be the end of my job. Myfinancial security and my career shouldn’t be threatened by who I love.”
She gasped after she blurted it out, clapping her hand over her mouth. She scooted away from me, retreating from the bed and snatching her clothes off the floor.
“Annie.” I sprang from the bed. “Say it. If that’s what you feel, I feel it too. Because I want to be loved too. Why does it make a difference what other people think, or know?”
“Saying it’s not going to make this any easier, Nick.”
“Please, Annie. We can figure this out. It’s not over. I’m not letting you end this.”
