“Are you okay, Ben? You don’t sound good.”
“Yes,” I grunted as a cramp passed through me. “I’m fine. What’s up?”
“Oh. Okay. Well, I, um, work’s just really crazy and—” she started to cry, “I just wanted to talk to you.”
I broke. I couldn’t be a support to Jessie and deal with my parents’ lies and my traitorous body and my past coming back to bite me all at the same time. All I’d brought Jessie was pain, and mess, and complication. I would never be worthy of her. She was better off without me. “Jessie, I can’t deal with your work right now.”
“W-what?” She sounded stunned. “I mean, okay. Did you get to see your family?”
“Look, you need someone better than me, Jessie.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Just do yourself a favor and leave me alone.” I hated myself for saying it. I knew I was hurting her, but it was either hurt her one last time or keep bringing misery into her life. The old flings showing up. Assholes talking shit about her on the ice to piss me off. My own teammates’ wives making her feel like shit for being who she is, for things I’ve done.
“Ben, did something happen? This isn’t like you. I’m not letting you do this. Something’s wrong.”
She was far, far too good for me. All I’d ever do was ruin everything for her, and she was too blind to see it.
“Go, Jessie!” I had to tell her before I changed my mind. “I can’t deal with all this! I can’t deal with you, and them, and everything else. Go find your relationship guy, because it ain’t me.”
I hung up.
Chapter 44
Jessie
It was a night of celebration. And misery.
Kitty and I were a bottle of wine deep and screeching out breakup songs at the top of our lungs by her pool.
Yes, we were having an impromptu wine night in honor of Mikey hanging up on me. And me getting a promotion, I guess.
“This is how I got through Guy and I breaking up that one time.”
“That one time?” I asked.
“Okay, we were actually broken up for like, years,” she said with a little hiccup.
I stuck out my bottom lip. “That must have been awful. Did he screw you over?”
She looked wistful. “No. I broke up with him. Long distance was too hard between the NHL and college. We were living in two different worlds. I was shredded, though. I was really successful those years, but I wasn’t fully me without him.”
Tears pricked my eyes. “I don’t want it to be over. We were really good together. I was upset about the Sydney thing, but I really don’t blame him for whatever he did five years ago. This came out of nowhere.”
“Oh, honey. It probably isn’t. Mike just has a hot temper and no one’s ever held him accountable for his bullshit. And if you don’t want to deal with that in the long haul, I totally get it. But I think he really loves you. You can’t change him, but if you can be patient with him, I bet he can learn to communicate better. Especially for someone he loves.”
I wished Kitty would stop saying love about me and Mikey. I felt really close to him. I was happy with him. I was thinking about testing the waters and telling him I was falling for him when he got back from this road trip, but I knew how scared he got about commitment. I had to be careful how I told him.
And well, it didn’t matter because he ended things in a three-minute phone call.
I was trying not to cry. I was so sick of crying. Irina. Cole. Sydney. Nightmares. I just wanted to be free of all of it.
Kitty had called me honey, just like he did. I always thought that name was cheesy until he said it. Then it felt so natural. I was his honey. He’d wanted one for so long, and I came along.
Oh, God. Did he want me, or did he want just any honey? Was I just a placeholder?
“Oh, babe.” Kitty leaned across her pool lounger to mine, giving me a hug. “It’ll be okay. You got a new job today!”
