Funny of him to care now. He didn’t seem affected when it started, when a woman with a baby showed up on our front porch saying she wanted me to meet my little brother. I was nine at the time.
“I’m fine, Dad. Let’s go eat.” I shuffled him off to the lunchroom Detroit provided. The catering was at least pretty good that day. I stayed away from anything with my trigger foods in it, sticking to stuff that was easy to digest. I got a second smoothie from the table and put together a very bare-bones sandwich.
“How’s everything going for you?” I asked when we sat. “Haven’t heard from you in a while.”
“Phones work two ways, Ben,” he said. “I really don’t understand why you’re so bitter with me. I provided you with everything. The hockey camps, the clubs.”
A quiet went over the room. Dad and I sat alone. Stelle, Obi, and Sorrento were at the next table. Stelle gave me a sympatheticgrimace, and Obi launched a loud new conversation. My friends were deeply familiar with how hard things were between me and my dad.
“Giving money doesn’t make you a father,” I hissed. “You were never there. You screwed Mom over.”
Dad had the nerve to roll his eyes. “This has nothing to do with your mother, Ben. Your mother and I have an understanding.”
“It has everything to do with her! Aunt Lori had to be my substitute dad while you were out fucking around with your other family that you chose over us. Or families. I don’t even know how many there are.”
“There’s just one. Don’t be so dramatic,” Dad snapped. “Your mom broke my heart. Made me look like a fucking fool.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? Mom wasn’t the one stepping out on you.”
“Wasn’t she?”
My stomach cramped in response to the shit Dad brought into my life. “What are you saying?”
“Your mother stopped being interested in me... intimately. She met Lori and decided that’s who she wanted.”
My head spun. The room felt small. “Mom’s gay?”
“Not so loud,” he said, yanking me up by the arm and pulling me into the hallway.
“Aunt Lori is Mom’s...”
“Partner. Yes. Your mom and I were on the rocks, and I made a mistake while I was on a business trip. I was honest with her about it, and I wanted to work it out. She agreed, wanting to give your sister some stability. While we were working on it, we had you. But she wasn’t interested in me that way anymore. I started traveling more for business. She encouraged me to see other people. One of those people got pregnant. Lori and Deb got closer, but we agreed to keep the arrangement going. We didn’t want to split the house for you kids or make it hard for you playing hockey. We decided itwas better if no one knew. I also had obligations in Kansas City, so I spent weeks with them and weekends with you.”
My lungs felt oxygen-starved, having to remind myself to suck in a breath. My phone buzzed in my hand, “Jessie Girl” showing on the screen. “How do I know you’re not lying?”
He sat forward. “Look, son, I know it’s a lot. I probably should have clued you in sooner. But it hurt to see your mom moving on without me, so I moved on.”
I wanted to slap him. “It wasn’t just Mom that you had to worry about! You had me and Laura! How could you just leave us because you couldn’t get over your shit? You picked another family over us, why, because you got your feelings hurt? And didn’t you deserve it? What does a ‘mistake on a business trip’ even mean?”
He scrubbed a hand across his face. “Ben.”
“You know what’s the most fucked up? I’m standing here today because I thought if I just played hockey good enough, you’d stay. There were times I wanted to quit, but you and I always had hockey. I pushed harder because that was the only way I could get you to love me.”
“Son, that’s not—”
“I need to go,” I said, gesturing to the lunchroom. “Don’t call me again.”
* * *
“Hi, brother of mine,” Laura crooned on the other end. “To what do I owe this honor?”
“Hey. Um. I just saw Dad.” My older sister and I didn’t talk as much as we should, but I always knew she was there for me.
“Big Benny!” came a shout from the background. My nephew was three, and I was thrilled he still remembered me enough to get excited when I called.
“Hi, Mason,” I said. “You being good for your mama?”
“He can’t hear you. He’s just yelling,” Laura said. “What’s going on with Dad?”
