She blanched. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
I’d never told anyone the truth about my dad. Not friends back home, not Frank, no one.
“My dad.” Those two words held so much weight for me, and that weight crushed down on my chest, constricting my breath. Kitty put her hand on my knee. She knew I was struggling. I fell silent.
“What happened with your dad?”
I looked over into her eyes. She was my Kitty. My person. And she might never see me the same way again after I told her. I covered her hand on my knee with my own, and she flipped hers and squeezed mine.
“You know I won’t judge you. I know you, Guy. I’m here for you.”
I took a deep breath. “He left for good maybe a year ago. He’s always had a problem with getting mad, anger. You know?”
Kitty nodded and I went on. “He’d be fine for a while. Then he’d just get so mad about something. He never actually hit me or Maman, but he’d get pretty scary. Then it’s like he’d wake up from it and just be mad at himself. He’d disappear for days and go drinking. The time before he left for good, he put a hole through our bathroom wall. Through the tile and everything. That was the only time Maman asked him to leave. She was worried for all of us. I think we all knew if she asked, he wasn’t coming back.”
Kitty squeezed my hand again and stayed quiet, waiting for me to say more. “He knew he couldn’t be what we needed, so he left. It was hard when he was there but it’s hard with him gone, too. Being in Quebec, his memory was everywhere. It bothered me, but it really got to Maman. She hated him for leaving us likethat, even though she’d asked him to. I think we both wished he could have been better. We moved to get away from it all, have a new start.”
“I’m so sorry, Guy. That’s awful.”
“Your family is so important to me and Maman, Kitty. But really, it’s because I don’t want to do all that to you.”
“Guy, you’re not your dad. You know that, right? I’ve never seen you mad once.”
“I’ve been mad when people say things about you.” It’s true. I considered punching out anyone who said something about Kitty.
“That’s not the same thing, Guy. Everyone gets mad. You’re a good person.” She held my arm for emphasis. “You’re not him.”
“Yeah, but he played hockey, too. Maman thinks his anger was from getting hit too many times.” Emotion bubbled up inside me and tears pricked my eyes. “I still want to play. What if the same thing happens to me? I don’t want to be like him. It’s almost like I have to choose hockey or having a family someday.”
Kitty pulled my head into her chest and held me there while I cried. I’d never cried in front of her. Hardly anyone, really. She was so calm.
“Didn’t he play kind of a while ago?” she asked. “And aren’t the rules different now?”
“Kind of. I don’t know. People still get hit hard,” I sniffed, sitting up.
“You’re still not him, Guy-Guy. And you know what to watch out for. I don’t think you should compare yourself. Or give up hockey. If it’s what you want to do, you should do it.”
My heart felt lighter. She understood how important the game was to me. I didn’t really know what to say. Once again, Kitty just got me.
“Thanks.” She rubbed my back. The warmth that we shared physically and emotionally thrummed between us. “I just feel kinda doomed.”
“I can see why you’d feel that way.” She drew shapes in the sandwith her toes. “Wanna tell me about your bad dream?”
I inhaled and held it for a moment. “I was running. Couldn’t stop. Something was chasing me. I’ve had problems with sleeping lately. I’m worried about Maman.”
“What do you mean? Why?”
“I’m not sure. I think she’s not feeling good. She’s been taking medicine a lot, and when she comes home from work, she’s always getting off the phone with my Grandmere.” I winced. “She hardly talked to her before we left home. I’m afraid Maman is sick.”
“Sick how?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Something just seems wrong. I can’t figure out what’s making her hurt so bad to need medicine all the time like that. I’ve asked her and she just shrugs me off. ‘Oh, it’s just getting old,’ or ‘Oh, just a headache.’ I’m afraid we’ll have to go back to Canada.”
“Guy, really?” Kitty’s eyes were big, brow furrowed.
“I’m not sure how much longer her visa is. I can stay because I’m a student, but she might not be able to. Healthcare costs so much in America. At least at home, it’d be free.”
Kitty let out a little whimper. “I hope that’s not true. I love your mom.”
