“I’m going to say this, and it might be the wrong thing to say.”
“It’s okay. I can take it,” I said, not really sure if I could. I needed to hear whatever it was regardless.
“Did you think we were doomed from the start? You knew I was moving, and you warned me how hard long-distance would be. Did you really give me everything these past few months, or did you hold back?”
I was stunned, the air sucked out of my lungs. It was a fair question, but that didn’t mean it didn’t sting. I sat back. His eyes searched the couch cushion as he picked at the coffee table’s edge. He still sat where he was when he proposed.
“Did you ever believe in us?”
“Of course, I did. I wanted this to work just as much as you did. I don’t want this to be the way it ends.”
“Then don’t end it, Kitty. Tough it out with me. Stay with me,” he begged, his voice breaking.
“Our relationship will keep fraying because we can’t give each other what we need, Guy.”
“What if your career doesn’t work out?”
“What the fuck, Guy! You don’t believe in me?”
“You don’t believe in us!” he snapped. We stared at each other. We’d never fought, not like that. I was too shocked to cry.
“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “That wasn’t fair. You know I believein you, but comedy is hard, Kitty. Would you come be with me then?”
My stomach turned. It was the outcome I preferred not to think about. “I don’t know. Probably? I really don’t want that to happen.”
“I know, Kitty. I don’t want it either. I want you to succeed. But I also want you here.”
“I have to at least try to make it first.”
He nodded, morose. Then he got more and more agitated, fidgeting.
“What do you need that I’m not giving you?” he burst out, looking manic. “Maybe there’s a way to fix it, Birdy.” Guy took my hand, rolling his lips between his teeth and swallowing hard.
“Okay. I don’t know if I can put an exact name to it, but I’ll try.” I took a deep breath to steady myself. “I need things to be easy. I know you support me. I support you and cheer for your success so fucking hard, Guy. But I need to not have to talk about everything sometimes. When all we have is talking, we lose the little stuff. The inside jokes. The things that happen from just being together. Sometimes I need to be able to just lay in bed and watch a show with you. There are ways we communicate that aren’t talking, or even sex. We have our way of being together. I’m sure you remember how amazing it was to get it back when we met up at school.”
Guy nodded. “I know what you mean. It was a rush finding our groove again.”
I gave him a sad smile, remembering, and went on. “I’m also missing parts of your life. You can tell me about Branson, but seeing you with him is more powerful. And I love visiting each other, but these are power catch-up sessions. It’s not the same as being in each other’s lives every day. Does that make sense?”
“It does,” he said. “Maybe it can’t be fixed.”
“I don’t want to fade away with you. I think it’s possible,” I said slowly, trying not to cry again, “that we thought this was our timeto try, but it was actually the wrong time.”
“So you believe there might be another time?” The infinitesimal shred of hope in his voice was heartbreaking.
“I sure hope there is.”
Chapter 27
Guy
My hat was pulled low. Kitty wore a hat, too, covering our splotchy faces as much as we could. We stayed up the whole night, just holding each other, crying, kissing, touching, being together one last time.
I tried everything I could. I begged. I told her she could work on her writing while I supported her, that she didn’t have to throw her whole dream away. Still, I knew that wasn’t enough. She wouldn’t be satisfied until she tried the big dream.
I begged more. I told her I couldn’t live without her, because I really wasn’t sure if I could. It’s real that people die of broken hearts, right?
I begged her to choose me.
