By the time the last person leaves the church basement and I’ve helped the ladies clean and pack away the food, I’m exhausted and ready to fall into a bed but when I pull my car up in front of the motel door with chipped and peeling paint everything inside of me rebels at going in there. Tears fill my eyes and blur the door. I want to go home. I want my dad. I jam the key into the door and blow into the stale smelling room like a tornado. I throw everything back into my suitcase and haul it back out to my car before dropping off the key at the front desk and head my car out of town. The sheer feeling of relief that hits me when I pull up in front of the trailer has more tears brimming and then falling as I drag my suitcase up the rickety stairs and into the only real home I’ve ever truly had.
I dump my suitcase in the living room, walk straight back to my dad’s bedroom and crawl onto the bed where I curl up and clutch his pillow to my chest. The smell of Old Spice engulfs me as I let the tears flow freely and cry myself to sleep surrounded by the one man I know loved me above all others.
I hide away in the trailer for two days doing nothing but thinking about what’s happened, where I’m going to go, and getting lost in my grief and memories of my dad. When the last of the meager food is gone from the fridge, I finally force myself to go out to the car and haul the rest of my belongings inside and unpack some of them into my old bedroom. It’ll take me a while to pack up all of Dad’s stuff and with nowhere to go, I’ll be staying put until I figure that out. Once that’s done, I drive into town and go to the bank to deposit the check he left for me and hit the grocery store for the basics as well as packing tape and all the flattened boxes they have out back and load them into the car.
Maggie meets me at the park bench in the middle of the square on her break and scans me from head to toe with a concerned look.
“You look like you’ve been through the wringer. Better than the other day but still…”
I nod in agreement. “I’m okay. Needed to process it all but I feel better. Now I just need to figure out what comes next for me. Once I get Dad’s stuff all packed up, I have no idea where I’ll go.”
She leans back on the bench beside me with a frown.
“Anywhere, really. You’re basically a free agent right now and with the money your dad left you, you could go anywhere and do anything. This is your shot, Rain. You get to put yourself first. I know it all came from a crappy place but he’d want you to be happy. You put others first and lost your dreams before you even had a shot at them. Now’s your chance to grab some of that back.”
I play with the hem of my skirt in thought. “That’s the problem, Mags, I don’t know what my dreams are anymore. It used to be…them. At least I thought it was but let’s be real. I was never going to choose between the three of them so that would have ended in heartbreak even if their father hadn’t done what he did. Then I thought it was Jason. Now that I see him for what he really is, I know that wasn’t really a dream either. It was more like…the next step in what my lifeshouldlook like. I thought I loved him but if I really did, wouldn’t I be more upset about us ending? I’ve really thought about it for the last few days and the strongest feeling I can find in me about it is…relief?”
I sigh and shove my hair back from my face. “So far, it seems all my so-called dreams were just being with men. Don’t get me wrong, I want that happy ever after. I want what you and Hett have but I just think that life should be more than that. I just don’t know what.”
Maggie looks away from me with a thoughtful expression. “I don’t know if I’m the person to help you with that, babe. I mean, I’m head over heels for my fool and I can’t wait to build a life with him but as far as dreams go? I don’t know. I never thought I would end up being an office worker in a dental clinic. Not really the stuff little girls dream they’ll end up being, ya know? It’s a good job and all but I always thought I’d do something more than that too. Maybe own my own business or something? There just aren’t a whole lot of opportunities around here and I think I’m okay with that to stay here close to home. Maybe as we get older it's okay for dreams to just mean being happy. You got to ask yourself, what would make you happy, Rain? Once you figure that out, the rest will fall into place.”
We sit quietly contemplating that until Maggie has to go back to work. I stay on that bench for a while longer watching the town move around me as it goes about its business. Like magnets, my eyes are drawn to Chase as he comes around a corner further down the street and comes to a stop in front of the Broken Spur. A black truck pulls up minutes later and Rex hops out and joins him on the sidewalk. My heart gives a painful thump of longing at seeing them again and like we’re tied by some mystical cord, they both turn and look in my direction. Even from a distance I can feel the heavy weight of their stares and it makes me catch my breath with the thought of what could have been.
What would have happened if I had stayed? If their bastard of a father hadn’t done what he had? We had been everything to each other for so many years. The four of us were so close. We were a unit that did everything together since we were just little kids. The older we got the more our feelings for each other developed and they each started putting pressure on me to choose between them. They wanted me to decide when I turned eighteen who to be with and that was never going to happen. How was I supposed to choose when all three of them owned my heart? That would have caused more damage between us all than anything their father had done.
I watch as Rex takes two steps in my direction and I can feel the heat, the anger rolling off of him from here before Chase grabs his arm and pulls him back and they both disappear into the bar. I shake my head. The dream of being with them would have turned into a nightmare if I had ever chosen. I pull my gaze from the bar door and let it travel down the block to the paper-covered windows of the empty building connected to it. My eyes narrow as I tilt my head and read the for sale sign in one of the windows. Love might not be a dream I can have but Maggie’s right, I have a shot to start something new now and maybe being close to home is enough to give me the happiness I’ve been searching for.
Chase
Fuck…fuck! Having her here is fucking with all of our heads. Just seeing her across the square sitting on that bench had my pulse speeding up and my fingers clenching into fists. Rex is even worse than I am. His moods range from furious to a broken kind of sadness. I know he wants to talk to her, to try and find out why she left but I’m terrified it will send him even deeper into the bottle. Point of fact, I watch him toss a shot back and slam the glass on the scarred wood of the bar.
“How long do you think she’ll be in town? Did she say? Are you sure she didn’t give you any hint why she ran away?”
I grab the back of my neck and squeeze at the constant headache I’ve had since she came back and shake my head.
“No, I told you almost word for word what she said. As for how long she’ll be here? Fuck, how long would it take to pack up a single-wide trailer? I don’t know, man. I assumed she’d be in a hurry to get back to the city but after what we saw go down between her and her fiancée, who the fuck knows.”
Rex makes to pour another shot but I snag the bottle from his hand before he can.
“Why don’t I make us some sweet tea while you throw our lunches together, brother. Save this shit for tonight if you need it.”
I see a glint of shame cross his eyes as the anger in them dims and he nods. I follow him into the back and we work side by side building a stack of fat sandwiches and tea to go with them.
“She’s…different. It’s like whatever happened after she left transformed her so she’s a different version of herself that I don’t recognize. She’s like a smooth pillar of glass now. Classy, untouchable, beautiful to look at - but the fire and sass, the wildness of her has been extinguished.”
We carry our plates out to the bar and slide onto stools. He’s not wrong. When I spoke to her and demanded answers, I could see the banked emotions simmering in her eyes but she kept her tone even and cool. I pick up my lunch and take a bite and once I’ve swallowed it, answer him.
“I know what you mean but there’s something we all have to remember here. We don’t know Rain Rawlins anymore and after the way she left? We might not have known her then either.”
Rex scowls and shakes his head. “Bull…shit! I know you want to keep that wall you built tall and steady but don’t lie to yourself, Chase, or at least don’t lie to me. We knew everything there was to know about that girl. The three of us loved her with every breath we took. Nothing about her disappearing made sense back then and it still doesn’t. I can pretend to hate her as much as you but that doesn’t change the hole she left. A hole I still feel every fucking day. We deserve to know what happened! I need some fucking closure so maybe I can finally move the fuck on from her. Even after all this time, she’s still the last thing I think about when I close my eyes at night and I’m fucking tired of asking WHY?”
I turn away and focus on my plate as I eat but I don’t even taste the food. I taste the strawberry lip gloss she used to wear and how I would kiss it right off her lips as soon as she’d applied it, making her sweet laughter ring out as she would push me away. I close my eyes and see the sun beaming down on her making her wild waves gleam like gold. The look of adoration for me in her wide grey eyes when she’d look up at me from sitting in my lap. I shove my plate away as my appetite dies when I remember the devastation I felt when we found out she was gone without a word or explanation to any of us.
Fuck it, Rex is right. We do need closure. No matter what Rain said, she does fucking owe us at least that much. Before she leaves again, we’re going to get the answers we deserve.
Rain
Istay tucked away in my dad’s trailer for the rest of the week packing up his belongings and getting sidetracked way too many times by the memories it all brings back. Memories that more often than not also include the boys who live across the fields from here. They’re just so wrapped up in most of my childhood and teen years that it’s hard not to think of them with every picture I find. The trailer is hot and sticky even with all the windows and doors open and the two table fans blowing, making for uncomfortable days and long sweaty nights that I toss and turn through. Even through all of that, the same question circles around and around my head…what comes next? A question I still have no answer to.
