I rub a scrap of orange taffeta from the book and carefully ask, “This isn’t what you want for your wedding?”
Her eyes widen as she glares at me. “For fuck’s sake, Rain. Do you really think I’ve changed that much? Of course, I don’t want any of that but I’m backed into a corner by an overbearing she-devil of my soon-to-be mother-in-law.”
I swing my eyes Hett’s way but he throws his hands up.
“Uh uh! Don’t go lookin’ at me. I told Mags to tell her no. I want to make a run for Vegas, not whatever the hell that all is,” he tells me in exasperation while pointing at the overstuffed book.
Maggie sighs deeply and snags the neck of the vodka bottle and takes a swig straight from it before slamming it back to the table.
“Tell me how I’m supposed to go and break your mama’s heart by doing that? Ever since your dad passed, she’s been fixated on this wedding.” She turns to me. “You know I don’t give two shits about any of that girly crap but I’d do it to make her happy and keep the peace. The problem is how much all this shit costs! Half the stuff she wants will have to be brought in from the city. We’ve been scrimping and saving for forever and it’ll take us at least another year to save up for all of it.”
She turns her glare back on Hetter but he just laughs and reaches out to drag her over into his lap and kiss her stupid. My heart lurches seeing just how much they love each other and I’m filled with happiness for my oldest friend and sadness that I will never have that now.
An hour later, the rest of the vodka is gone and Maggie shoves me onto the pullout couch Hetter opened up for me to sleep on. The room spins a bit as I stare up at the ceiling and a small smile tugs at my lips as I listen to Maggie giggle at something her man says. For the first time since I drove into this town, it feels like home.
Rain
My hangover is chased away by the greasy breakfast Hetter makes for us and the best cup of coffee I’ve ever had in my life from Maggie’s fancy espresso machine. They drop me off at the motel on their way to work so I can shower and change and then I drive out to my childhood home with a feeling of dread filling me the entire way.
This time I don’t let myself hesitate when I pull up. I need to go in there and get clothes for Daddy to wear. The screen door creaks on rusted hinges but the knob turns smoothly under my hand, having never been locked once in my lifetime. As soon as I step into the cool dimness, the familiar scents of home rush over me and I choke back a cry as memories race through my mind.
I turn my head to take in the small kitchen with its faded Formica counters and weathered cupboards. The kitchen Daddy and I would work in, side by side, to prepare our dinners. My head turns to the small kitchen table where he struggled alongside me over my math homework. He did his best every day to keep our tiny family connected after my mother ran out on us when I was only four years old.
I move deeper into the trailer and come to a stop beside his worn and sagging lazy boy recliner and reach down to pick up the small lined notebook on the corner of the TV table in front of it. Dinners were set in front of the TV where we would watch Daddy’s favorite show, Jeopardy. From the outside, people might look at him and see a redneck single father surfing the poverty line but even though he never made it past high school, my daddy never stopped educating himself. Every day he would write down the questions from the show that would pique his interest and the next day on his breaks he would look them up and learn all about that subject on his phone.
I run my fingers over the words he wrote right before he died and feel tears trickle down my cheeks that he would never get the chance to learn about Liechtenstein, Banksy, and what Béchamel is.
I hold that notebook against my heart and speak to him out loud in case he’s still present somehow.
“I’m so sorry, Daddy! I should have called more. I should have come home before it was too late.”
I turn away from his chair and the lonely life I left him to and travel the hall down to his bedroom. The picture of us on his nightstand has the tears falling faster. It’s from before I left and the girl in it with a wide, carefree smile looks like a stranger to me. I find his best dress shirt and a pair of slacks in the tiny closet, gather underwear, socks, and his one pair of good shoes and then rush back out of the room as Old Spice fills my nose and keeps the tears flowing.
When I get back to the front door, my head turns to look down the opposite hallway where my old bedroom waits but I can’t bring myself to go down to it. Inside that room is a shrine to all the hopes and dreams my seventeen-year-old self had that turned to ashes after one threat-filled conversation and despicable act.
Memories from that night stab like a dagger in my mind and I stumble out into the bright sunlight and slam the door behind me to chase them away. I blink a few times to erase those memories and the sun spots that dance across my vision and when they clear, I see the third and final boy of my heart sitting on a dirt bike over on the ridge. He stares my way and I wish I was brave enough to call him over but I don’t. Luke would have been hurt most by my leaving and my heart aches that in the end, I was just one more person to abandon him when I promised him I never would.
I don’t know how long we stay there looking at each other across the distance before he finally turns from me, kicks the bike on, and roars away but it feels like a lifetime. It feels like he’s the one abandoning me this time and I know down to my bones that I deserve it.
I drive back to town feeling weighed down by my past, my very uncertain future, and the grief and regret that comes in waves. I have no clue what I’m going to do beyond the next few days. After the service, I’ll have to clean out the trailer and decide what to do with it. Everything is so uncertain and I feel out of control so after I drop off the clothes at the funeral parlor, I decide to change that. Decisions need to be made so I pull up my big girl panties and park outside of the address on Chase’s business card. He said to call for an appointment but I need to get this one thing done before I can make a plan to move forward.
I smooth a hand over my hair, straighten my shoulders, lift my chin, and pull open the door to his office. There’s no one sitting at the small desk in the reception area so I move to the only open door and come to a stop when I see him bent over a large wooden desk. He must not have heard the door so I take a minute to let my longing eyes rove over him. All my boys were muscular at eighteen with all the manual work they put in on the ranch but the decade since then has seen him fill out so much more. His chest is broader than I remember, straining the blue dress shirt he wears. I can see the strength in the corded forearms that are displayed with his sleeves rolled up. His skin has a deep tan that tells me he still puts in his time outdoors even if he’s a lawyer now.
My eyes scan over his chiseled square jaw that I can see flex as he clenches his teeth while reading from the document filled file folder laying open in front of him. Even though he’s cut it shorter, the wave in his thick blond hair can be seen as it sweeps back from his face. He’s just as beautiful as I remember and the regret and longing that fills me has my legs feeling shaky and I can’t help but shift my feet back and forth. That tiny movement has his head snapping up and his heartbreakingly hard eyes zero in on my face.
“Rain, what are you doing here? I told you to call and make an appointment.”
I suck back a fortifying breath and shrug one shoulder.
“Do you have time now?”
Chase leans back in his chair and crosses his arms over his broad chest as he takes me in. I see his eyes narrow when they land on my twisting fingers and the diamond of lies on my ring finger. He makes me wait long enough that I'm ready to turn on my heel and leave before finally jutting his chin at the chair across from him and growling out, “Sit.”
I slide into the seat, grateful to get off of my trembling legs. I watch as he turns in his chair to open a cabinet and pulls out a new file before setting it on his desk between us. He keeps his eyes down on the paperwork as he begins to speak.
“It'll take some time for the estate to go through all the proper channels but it shouldn't take too long as your dad didn't have a lot of assets. There’s his truck but it’s not worth very much and a couple hundred in a savings account. Other than that, it's just his personal belongings in the trailer and some old equipment in the shed out back.”
He finally leans back and lifts his head to meet my gaze, waiting for me to say something.
