“Zack…th-thank you. Thank you for being…my…friend. It’s, it’s been a really long time since I had one.”
He shoves another hand through his hair and then yanks me back across to stand between his legs. His arms go around my waist and his face leans against my stomach and this time I don’t tense up or flinch. This time, I hug him back. My fingers smooth down his messy tangled curls and then I pull away and walk out the door, too overcome with emotions to stay.
Avery
Zack’s words stay with me for the next few days as Chloe and I fall into an easy routine in the house. She’s loving everything about her new school and she loves telling the three men we live with all about her day. I feel…better, more in control of myself. I still worry about doing something wrong and jeopardizing our place here but it’s not the same claw of fear wrapped around my throat that it was before I talked with Zack.
I think about what Zack said again as I unload the clean dishes from the dishwasher. I have value. I matter. What I do, think, and feel…matters.
He took so much from me but that might be the worst of it. He made it clear that I didn’t matter. It didn’t matter if I was perfect, if I obeyed all his rules, he still found fault and punished me for it. The only feeling he ever wanted me to have was fear and the only thing he wanted me to think about was pleasing him. A hard frown settles on my face as I think about that. I was not a person to him, I was a possession, a pet on a leash for him to control and train with ugly words and hard fists.
I lift the stack of dinner plates into the cupboard and my wedding ring glints back at me causing my frown to turn into a scowl. I hold my hand up in front of my face and stare at the simple gold band that was the anchor to his leash.Heput this band on my finger and it might as well have been a brand melted into my skin for what it represented. Possession, not love but ownership.
I glance around to make sure I’m still alone and then whisper, “You don’t own me anymore.”
And then I yank that ring right off. I start walking over to the garbage can to throw it away but my steps slow and my fingers tighten on the ring until it bites into my skin. A tremble goes through me. If he finds me, us, and I don’t have this ring…I clench my teeth, trying to force my hand open to drop it in the garbage but I just can’t do it. I make a strangled whine and instead shove the ring into my pocket and turn back to the rest of the clean dishes waiting to be put away.
I stack the mugs in the cupboard and tell myself that it’s okay. I might not have been able to throw it away but I took it off my finger and that’s a big step. I just need to keep taking steps and one day, one day I’ll get to where I need to be.
I pull out the bottom rack and lift the glass bowl that I had used for a fruit trifle last night and set it on the counter so I can grab the three-rung step stool and get it set up where I need it. The cupboards in this kitchen go all the way up to the ceiling and I’m way too short to reach the top shelves.
I climb up to the top step and reach for the bowl. I’m going to keep taking these small steps until I can show my baby a role model she can look up to. I stretch up onto my tiptoes to slide the glass bowl onto the shelf I had found it on. I tip it up to slide the edge of it onto the shelf and a huge hand comes flying past my face to push it the rest of the way.
The reaction is instant and without thought. My elbows tuck down to box my head in an effort to shield my face even while my upper body sways hard to the side away from the coming blow it’s anticipating. That’s all it takes for my balance to disappear and I’m falling from the top of the step stool. Everything clenches, bracing for the hard landing I know is coming when I hit the floor but my breath whooshes out of me when I’m jerked to a hard stop by strong arms banding around my middle.
My damaged ribs scream in agony and make it impossible to drag a breath into my lungs. There’s a roaring in my ears as my heart beats at a frantic pace and I try and pull air into my starved lungs.
“Avery! Avery! Look at me!”
His hard command breaks me from my panicked cage so that I can peel open my tightly closed eyes. Recognition dawns as I meet his concerned, icy-blue eyes and it unlocks the grip of fear and pain around my throat letting me drag in a breath of air. When I exhale, it comes out as a mournful sob that I have no control over and it breaks a dam inside of me that I’ve been holding back for so long. The sobs come hard and fast as my fingers dig into his bare chest for an anchor to keep me from drowning in the pain and despair flowing out of me.
“Fuck…Ave…baby. Don’t…I got you. I got you.”
He stutters out the words in a growl as he crushes me against his huge chest and then he sweeps my legs up from under my knees and starts moving. My face is pressed against his chest so hard as it all pours out. The pain from my injuries, the years of loneliness, pain, and fear, and my inability to function like a normal woman. I’m completely out of control as it all overtakes me and I’m lost to my misery.
When it all slows down and my mind starts to clear again, I realize that I’m sitting in Ryker’s lap with one of his arms wrapped around my middle and his other hand is buried in my hair cupping the back of my head to hold it against him. My arm is around his back so I can hold on to him and the other hand is pressed hard against my mouth like I was trying to hold it all inside. I feel drained and empty as my muscles unlock and I just melt against him and his warmth. I blink my swollen, wet eyes open enough to see the hard, tattooed chest I’m resting against and inhale a jagged, stuttering breath.
I’m so tired and empty that I can’t even summon up the embarrassment I know I should be feeling right now. I just…need…his warmth, his strength right now, no matter how inappropriate it is to be sitting in his lap like this. His fingers start massaging my scalp as his other hand starts rubbing slow circles on my back.
I let my eyes flutter back down as I soak up the comfort that he’s offering me. It’s the kind of comfort and care that I haven’t experienced since my parents died. I didn’t even know how desperately I needed or craved it until right this minute. I should push away from him, get to my feet and apologize for my outburst but I can’t. I can’t tear myself away from this poor man who doesn’t deserve to have such a mess of a woman cry all over him. I need this. I need him.
“Sorry I scared you. Hate that I did this to you,” he growls into my hair.
I feel his lips press against my head. I can’t let him think that but I also can’t stand to look at him yet so I press my face harder against his chest and use my free hand to press against his warm skin over his heart.
“Y-you didn’t…do…this. It’s, it’s me. I-I’m broken.” I whisper sadly against his skin and I feel him tremble slightly even as his arm tightens around my hips to pull me closer.
“No. Not broken. Just dented a little, maybe. You’re strong. Strong enough to leave, to protect the little one.”
A shudder goes through me and I try and shake my head but I’m pressed too close to his chest.
“I was too late. He…hurt…her. It’s my fault.”
A new stream of hot tears pour out against his skin at the heavy guilt that I will carry for the rest of my life for not leaving soon enough. His low growl rumbles against me and then he’s gently pulling me away from his chest and forcing my chin up so I have to look at him.
“No. Not your fault…ever! His fault for being a scumbag. Tell me his name, baby. Tell me his name and he’ll never hurt anyone ever again.”
Ryker’s expression is fierce and hard and I can see the restrained violence in his eyes but I find no fear inside me because of it. Instead, it makes me feel safe. I hardly know this beast of a man but there’s no doubt inside me that he would protect me with everything he has. A warmth blooms in my chest and without thought my fingers come up to trail gently over the hard line of his lips to try and soften them even as I shake my head in answer to his question. The anger leaves his eyes as one of his big hands comes up and captures my wrist. I feel a blush creep up on my cheeks that I’ve touched him in such a way and try and pull my hand back but he holds it in place and kisses my fingers.
