“Yes,” I answer. “I knew.” I can’t explain it, I feel guilty for keeping Julianna’s secret from him, but fear quickly creeps up to overshadow it.
Fear Holt is going to leave.
I try to prepare myself for it. Is that what my mother did before she was taken? The feeling inside me is wretched. I want to rid myself of it before I have the chance to get my heart broken. But it’s useless. I’m already there.
My eyes water, and I try my best to hold back the tears.
Holt’s cheeks redden and his fingers stretch by his side. “You kept this from me?” he asks, his voice cracking.
“Julianna is mybestfriend. She asked me not to tell you, so I didn’t.” The tears continue to build in my eyes, and I curse them, hating how they’re revealing the way I feel inside. I’ve spent years hiding my true feelings from everyone, but here I am in front of Holt, showing him that while I was happy to keep my best friend’s secret, I hate that it hurt him in the process.
He doesn’t respond. His only answer is heart-shattering silence as his eyes roam over my face. I feel like I’m about to combust. Everything in me is wound tightly. I hurt, the pressure building in every single nerve.
If I lose Holt because I kept this secret, all my convictions will have proven true. It doesn’t matter how hard you fall for someone, it never lasts.
The only one you can ever count on not betraying you is yourself.
“I kept my word as your sister’s best friend. If that costs us this”—I wave my hands between us—“then, so be it. I’m sorry if it hurt you, but my loyalty to my best friend matters. She wanted to be the one who told you, and I respected her for that.I agreed. So, if you want to leave over that, then you’re free. You can go. You’re off the hook.”
Holt’s face flashes. His shock turns to fury. His eyebrows slant under the ends of his dark hair before his flexed hand wraps around the base of my neck. He tilts my head up to look at him and spins me until my back lands against the wall in the hallway. I’m working to catch my breath as he presses his knee between my legs and his hips against me. I’m still wearing a sports bra and yoga pants. They’re tight, clinging to my skin, and I feel everything. Every single point of connection between us.
But despite the adrenaline Holt gives me, a tear breaks free. My bottom lip quivers as it spills down my cheek and onto his arm.
“You want me to leave?” he asks darkly.
“I kept a major secret from you.”
“I’m not leaving, Selene.”
“I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”
I don’t want him to leave. I hope he doesn’t leave. But, dammit, hope is for fools.
He scoffs and shakes his head. “Why would I leave?”
“I’m just your fake girlfriend. And you’ve had a million other real girlfriends you’ve broken things off with for far less.”
Clicking his tongue, he leans forward and licks my cheek. He drags his tongue across my skin, cleaning up my tear. I shiver, pleasure shooting straight between my thighs because his every move is intimate. Gentle. Butterflies flutter in my lower stomach. I’ve never felt anything like this. It’s a rush.
Breathing heavily, I attempt to hold back my sob. I’m falling apart at the thought of him ending this—of him walking away.
“It appears you have short term memory, Wallflower,” he whispers, staring directly into my eyes. “You think this newfound revelation erases the entire conversation we had before this?”
The tears break. I can’t hold them back anymore. I’m almost certain Holt can feel my heart beating against his chest. My hands are pressed flat to the wall, and I try to steady myself as a hiccup rises up my throat.
“I just told you I’ve known it was your sister and kept it from you.” Another tear falls. “I’ve betrayed you.”
He hisses, inhaling a sharp breath. “I don’t know how many times I’ll need to tell you, but I won’t stop, not even when hearing something like this.” He wraps his hands around my face. “I know you feel something for me or else you wouldn’t be crying right now. You’re crying because you hurt me. While you were being loyal to your best friend, it was killing you to keep this from me, wasn’t it? But I’ll tell you something right now, Selene, you telling me to leave will only hurt me more. I would be broken, because there’s no turning back after what we’ve done. I could never go back to being just your best friend’s brother, existing around each other’s orbit without actually being in yours. Understood?”
All that comes out of me is a sob. I’m broken but healed at the same time. The thought of watching Holt walk out the door and never coming back tears me from the inside out. A true nightmare. He’s right. We can’t go back.
But I want to take away his pain too. I want to kiss it away, offer up my body as a remedy. But what would that mean if I did?
“I know you’re falling for me, Wallflower.” His thumbs soak up the tears streaming down my face. “So, why don’t you let me wipe up these tears and show you exactly how I feel about you keeping this secret from me?”
I grip onto his lapels and tip my chin to bring my mouth close to his.
Fuck it. If this is how it feels to be in love, or close to it, the pain will be worth it. Considering the alternative, I don’t think I have a choice. At this point, I agree with Holt. Losing him would hurt worse than going back to the way we were, and that sounds like a miserable fucking way to live.
