My mind was having a hard time processing what Josh was saying. All of this felt like it was coming out of nowhere.
I let out a heavy sigh. “I don’t know, Josh. This is all—”
He reached over and grabbed my hand, cutting me off mid-sentence. “I know I messed everything up, and I was a total jerk. I feel awful for everything that happened. I’m sorry it took losing you to realize what we had.”
I wasn’t sure why, but I didn’t pull my hand away. His familiar touch was still somehow comforting. I used to love holding hands with him.
“I know you’re with Slate now,” he rubbed his thumb over the top of my hand, “but you and I belong together.”
Slate’s name pulled me out of my daze.
I guess our act had actually fooled Josh, which had me wondering. Did he just want me now because he couldn’t have me and he was jealous of Slate?
My silence had Josh continuing to talk. “You deserve better than a womanizer like Slate. You and I could have a real future together.”
His words echoed in my head.A real future together.I’d thought a lot about my future with Josh. Graduating college together, working our dream jobs, getting married, and eventually starting a family together.
That had all gone down the drain when he’d broken up with me. It had been a weird feeling, to let all those dreams get washed away. But I’d eventually been okay with it since I’d realized how dysfunctional our relationship had been. I had worked so hard to make him happy, to not upset him, hiding parts of myself to be accepted by him. That wasn’t the future I wanted.
“Josh, our relationship was only good because I worked hard to make it good.”
His brows creased in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“When we were together, I did whatever you wanted. I tried to never rock the boat. You didn’t like it when I teased you, so I stopped. You didn’t like when I acted silly, so I made sure to act the way you wanted me to. You broke promises all the time, and I would let you off the hook so you wouldn’t get upset,” I explained. “Our relationship wasn’t a healthy one. At least not for me. I need to be able to feel like I can be myself without being ridiculed or feeling like a disappointment.”
He squeezed my hand and then interlaced our fingers. “I’m so sorry you felt like you couldn’t be yourself. We can start fresh, get to know each other again. I can be better. Iwillbe better. For you.”
His eyes were staring into mine as if he was trying to prove his sincerity. Josh was good at saying all the right things, but it never lasted. Although, he’d never been this intent before. Could he really want to give us another try? Was he truly willing to work at being a better boyfriend? Had us being apart made him realize what we could have had?
Two and a half months ago, I had wanted a future with him, despite not recognizing the problems in our relationship. But now that I’d put it all out there and he was aware that I wanted something different and was willing to change, would it be worth seeing where this went?
My eyes roamed over Josh, his short brown hair and hazel eyes, his slender but fit frame, his long fingers intertwined with mine. We’d been a couple for so long, been through lots of ups and downs. He had been my first boyfriend, my first love, the only guy I’d ever slept with. Josh wanted to have a future with me, and that was something that Slate couldn’t give me.
Slate and I had accomplished what we had set out to do. We’d saved my reputation, so now there was no use putting off the inevitable. Staying together any longer would only continue to mess with my head and my heart more than it already had. It was time for me to focus on being his friend and nothing more.
As soon as I got back to Waterford, I’d break up with my pretend boyfriend and work on getting our friendship back to normal. Then I’d be able to think more clearly about what Josh was offering. I didn’t want to say no to something that had the potential to be great because I was hung up on a guy who could never offer me a future.
I took a breath and then said, “This is a lot to process. I’m not saying no, but I’m also not saying yes.”
A big grin spread across Josh’s face. “That’s okay. You don’t have to answer me right now. Just think about it.”
“Okay,” I nodded. “I’ll think about it.”
He pulled our joined hands up to his mouth and placed a soft kiss on the back of my hand. “We can make this work, Isla. We’ll be better than we ever were before.”
I gave him a half-hearted smile. He was making it sound so easy. Could we really start fresh?
He stood up, letting go of my hand. “Thank you for talking with me. I’ll be waiting to hear your answer whenever you’re ready.”
He left me sitting outside, and I continued to sit there, wondering if I’d made the right choice in considering getting back together with him. But maybe I owed it to myself to see if things could work out. He’d said he was willing to work to make our relationship better, and giving him a chance felt right after all we’d been through. I was more aware now of the problems in our past relationship, so if he couldn’t change, I could move on knowing I’d at least seen things through with him.
Now I had to convince my heart that Josh was the safer path and that going any farther down the current path I was on with Slate would certainly end in it getting broken.
* * *
I got back to my apartment in the afternoon, unpacked, and had been reading on my bed for the last two hours when my phone beeped.
Slate:You back from the break yet?
