“Yes.”
“My dad is a former SEAL, served over twenty years in the Navy.I grew up a Navy brat.So, it’s okay.Whoever you are, whoever you work for, it’s okay.I just want to get married.Please don’t blast her.Those wings aren’t real.”
“Are you two ready?”Calypso claps her hands with glee, and I smile.I can’t help it.Calypso.Aurora.Does everyone in this place have a stage name or what?
I hold Rygar’s gaze and we respond in unison.“Yes.”
I am sooooo ready.The way Rygar looks at me?The flashes of absolute devotion I keep feeling?They must be real, right?I’ve never felt anything like this before, so how could I be making it up?
I realize it’s fast, but I’ve never felt this deeply connected to another person before.The moment we met it was like something clicked into place inside me that I didn’t even know I was missing.I can’t explain it.Only he makes me feel more in a single kiss than Nicholas did for the entirety of our relationship.
“Excellent.”Calypso waves us forward, toward the front of the room.Carrying the bouquet in front of me like a real and proper bride, I walk past five rows of white, folding chairs, four on either side of the aisle.Rygar accompanies me, his hand burning like the sun through the thin back of my wedding dress.I can’t wait for him to take it off.
B.I.L.L.: Commander, this is a breach of protocol.Do you wish to proceed?
There’s that voice, BILL, in my head again!Why can I hear his voice while Calypso looks unfazed, like she doesn’t hear a thing?What is happening?Is this a dream?Did I pass out at the bar?
I look at Rygar.Please, please let me be awake.If he’s a dream, I don’t want to wake up.Ever.
Rygar takes my hand and we move together to stand before Calypso.I ignore the zing of painful awareness at his touch.I can’tfeelthesefeelingsand function like a normal woman.When we are facing the gigantic, fake tree covered in spray on snow at the front of the room, she holds up her hand.I can’t help but stare at the dozens of sparkling crystal ornaments and twinkling lights that decorate the tree.I feel like we’re getting married inside an explosion of Christmas.It’s June.
We stop before a decorated arch that serves as the altar.The arch is made of clear plastic meant to look like ice and is as Christmassy as the tree.When we are in place, she calls out in a sing-song voice, “Hey Sasquatch!We’re ready!”
Rygar and I turn as a furry creature at least a head taller than Rygar ducks through a dark blue side curtain and steps onto what I realize is a small stage.
What the actual fuck is that?Is there a real man under that fur?
Is that really a costume?Because that hair looks real.So do the deep trowels that line his dark eyes in pitted circles.Whoever he is, he’s massive and makes this shaggy suit look far too real for my liking.We’re talking Hollywood level special effects.He opens his mouth, revealing sharp teeth that look more like they belong in a tiger’s mouth than what is supposed to be a big, ape-like humanoid.
Did they have to make him wear fangs like a hairy vampire?Isn’t the suit enough?
Instincts on high alert, I step backward and bump into Rygar.His arm circles my waist and I relax into him, confident those weird buttons on his suit can singe this furry bastard to a crisp, if necessary.Hopefully not untilafterwe’re married.
God, this man makes me feel safe, like nothing can harm me as long as he is with me.If he really is an alien from outer space, so be it.We belong together.The rest we can figure out once we’re married.
Sasquatch towers over us.Calypso smiles and hands him a large, black, leather-bound book that I assume is supposed to look like a Bible.Practically glowing, she moves close to him and nods as if to encourage him to begin.
He makes a sound like moving a cup full of gravel out of his throat, then speaks.
“Hroooongh grhmph hhhrrrrnnngggaaah mmrow gggnaawh.”
What?
“Excuse me?”I’m not afraid of him anymore.Now I just want to kick him in his hairy shins for making a mockery of my wedding.Is it even legal if we don’t know what’s being said to us?I look at Calypso.“Is this a joke?He’s not even going to talk?”
“Oh, he’s talking.Aren’t you, my love?”She smiles up at him before turning back to face me.Her gaze darts to Rygar but doesn’t linger.“I told you, I’m the interpreter.”
“Then what did he say?”I stare like they’re trying to pull a fast one.
She sputters, “He said, ‘Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today…”
“No, he did not.”I hold up my hand to stop the bullshit train.“This isn’t funny.Is this a real wedding?As in legitimate and will stand up in court?”
“Oh, yes!I already signed the witness statement, as did Aurora, since we need two.See?”She scurries to a side table and brings back the signed, legal document with the two witness signatures and then the officiant’s chicken scratch scrawled on the certificate.“Technically, you’re already married.We aren’t supposed to sign it yet, but I like to get all the signatures ahead of time because sometimes, watching him be all official, makes me go kind of crazy.He’s so sexy when he marries people.”
Well, the furry, eight-foot, man beast isn’t my flavor of tea, but to each her own.
Calypso fans her face, staring up at the Sasquatch with her heart in her eyes.As far as I can tell, she’s not acting, at least not about this.She has true feelings for her fuzzy giant.Her expression reminds me of Saturday morning cartoons, when the animated characters would fall in love and have literal hearts popping out of their eyes.“You know, I just want to jump him when he’s official and stuff.It’s so hot.”
