“Babe, I’ll be there soon, okay?” Daphne assured me.
“I’m okay, really. We can talk on the phone. I don’t want you to have to come out in this shit weather,” I lied. That was all I wanted, really. I wanted her with me, and to tell her everything. I knew I wouldn’t be able to, but it didn’t change the fact that I wanted to.
“Too late. Nathan and I are walking out of the apartment now. I’ll be there soon.”
Fifteen minutes later, Daphne was in my apartment on the couch with a glass of wine in hand. Nathan had dropped her off and left us alone for some much-needed bestie time. Thankfully, I had gotten my shit mostly together by that point and was more in control of my emotions.
“What’s going on? Talk to me.” Daphne sipped her wine and sat facing me on the couch with her legs crossed.
“So, I’m fucking this guy,” I started. “Seeing him? I don’t fucking know.” Frustrated, I took a long drink from my glass while Daphne patiently waited for me to continue. “Okay, so I fucked this guy, and we agreed to make it a regular thing, because it was that good. But he’s not like me. I think he wants more, and I can’t give him that.”
She eyed me suspiciously. “So, what’s the problem? Why wereyoucrying?”
“I don’t know.”
“Bullshit. Something happened.”Why did I call her again?The last thing I wanted was to be called out on my bullshit, but there we were. Daphne knew me better thananyone, and she was always good at cutting through my crap.
“We got into a little tiff earlier. He had fucked my brains out, or maybe I fucked his out. Whatever. Doesn’t matter. The point is, when he tried to lie down in the bed next to me, I reminded him of our rules and he got all pissy and left,” I explained.
“Okay… but why wereyouupset?” Daphne continued to dig.
“Fuck if I know. I don’t want to lose a good lay?” I didn’t even believe myself.
“Lexi, I think you like this guy and that scares you,” Daphne said very matter-of-factly.Rude.
“Nope. There’s no way. I mean, I obviously don’t hate him, but I don’t want to date him either. You know I don’t do relationships.”
“But why?” Daphne paused to let me answer, but I busied myself by drinking more wine. She continued, “Lexi, you don’t let people in. Why is that?”
I knew exactly why, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it with anyone, not even her. I shook my head. “Nope, I’m not doing this.”
“Don’t bite my head off, but I think the reason you don’t let people in is because you’re afraid of getting hurt.”
Fucking Daphne.She didn’t know everything, but she knew enough to realize I was scared. She was hitting a little too close to home, so I tried to change the subject. “I’m fine, really. How are things with Nate Dog?”
“Don’t change the subject, Lexi. I’m being serious rightnow. What are you so afraid of? What happened?” She wasn’t letting this go, and I was getting more and more frustrated.
I hung my head and toyed with the wineglass in my hands. “He’ll just leave too,” I whispered.
“Who?”
“Anyone. Men. You.” I looked up at her with tears building in my eyes. I couldn’t believe I was about to let her in even more than I already had. “After my dad left, my mom would cry at night when she thought I was asleep. I won’t let a man do that to me. It’s easier to keep people at arm’s length than to be hurt when they leave.”
“Oh, Lexi!” Daphne grabbed my wine, set it on the coffee table alongside hers, and pulled me into a tight hug.
Fuck, this did not go how I thought it would. But what did I think was going to happen when she came over? Why did I call her in the first place? To vent? To get validation?I didn’t even know. A sob escaped me, and Daphne held me tighter.
“I’m not going anywhere, babe. You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.” I tried to pull away, but Daphne held fast. “You are loved, and you deserve to be loved. I know you think not letting people in will protect your heart, but that’s clearly not working for you.”
“I’m fiiiiine,” I said as I tried to extricate myself from her embrace.
“You are clearly not fine. I think you’re doing more harm than good with the way you keep people away. Maybe you think you aren’t worthy of being loved, or maybe youhave serious trust issues because of your dad, but when the right guy does come along, I hope you give him a chance to prove you wrong.”
“Okay, bitch, that’s enough therapy for one night,” I joked.
She grabbed my hands and looked me dead in the eye. “I’m serious. You deserve more than you’re allowing yourself to have. I hope you see that someday.”
The next day,I was feeling pretty shitty about the way Brandon and I had left things, so I shot him a text.
