‘Fucking sleep deprivation!’
I knew that wasn’t what caused her heightened emotion, but didn’t say anything.
Diadre took a deep breath, then met my eyes with hers clear again.‘Yes, it’s real,’she said, a hint of awe in her tone.‘Yilan… I’m really pregnant.’
Even though it was a risk, I pulled her into a hug and squeezed her as hard as I dared.‘Diadre… that’s incredible! How are you feeling? I know you’ve been tired, but—’
‘It’s terrifying,’she offered baldly.
I squeezed her hand.‘You’re strong, you’ll be—’
‘No, it’s not that—or rather, notjustthat. It’s Jann. Yilan, my mate believes he’s going to die soon, and it’s as if he’s rushing through everything else in case it happens tomorrow. I worry about what he’ll do…’
I braced.‘Betray us?’The words just came. My deepest fear that I’d been struggling not to voice, because I knew Melek trusted Jann, and Diadre wanted to, and—
Diadre shook her head.‘I’m worried he’ll put himself at risk to keep us safe, because he thinks he’s dying anyway. I’m worried he’ll… decide to take the fall.’
I frowned.‘Take what fall? Where?’
Diadre’s threat of tears returned, her eyes shining.‘Someone has to take the fighters against Lucifer while you two get Gall and Istral—if we can find them. I know Melek would only trust that to Jann, but that means he’s plowing into the thick of the actual battle while—’she cut herself off and stiffened, but I’dalready heard the bitterness in her. The fear—and knew what it meant.
I swallowed hard.‘You know that Melek and I are fighting for the kingdom… for the crown? For what’s right against the evil—’
‘I know, Yilan. I do. I understand. But if you get Gall and Istral out of here, and the rest of us are slaughtered in the meantime, what then?’
My head jerked back.‘We’d never just flee and leave you all fighting! No one’s being slaughtered while Melek’s still alive—but, once we have Gall and Istral out, we put them in trustworthy hands and Melek and I will join the fight. We aren’t going toflee.Trust me. If one of us goes down, we all go down together.’
Diadre slumped a little with relief, then gave me a watery smile.‘Did you ever think, back when we were young and dreaming about fighting, that we’d be standing in a Neph palace, fighting alongside them?’
I huffed.‘Never.’
‘Me either.’
My best friend and I smiled at each other. I was sure she remembered, as I did, the times we’d lay in bed at night when she was with me, dreaming about becoming soldiers—fighting our way through ranks of men to find the men we loved, who’d been dramatically imprisoned to save our lives…
I smiled at the childish, naïve dreams I’d had… and wanted to weep for the loss of that young, idealistic woman.
So much loss since then, and so many battles of different kinds.
I sighed.‘God is full of surprises,’I offered dryly.
Diadre didn’t seem comforted by that. She looked down at her hand on her belly, and her smile faltered.
I tried to imagine what it might be like, to know that life grew within me and no matter what step I took now, I didn’t take it alone.
The implications were mind-boggling. And terrifying.
Then I had a flash of inspiration.‘You know, Diadre—you could be the one.’
‘One what?’
‘The one who takes Gall and Istral back to safety. You and your baby could lead them. We could hand them to you. There’s no one Istral would feel safer with, and Gall follows Istral… it could be you. Itshouldbe you!’
A flash of hope lit in her eyes—but then her expression dropped and she shook her head.‘I wasn’t born to run.’
I wanted to curse.‘It wouldn’t be running. It would be fighting for my sister, and Gall and… and for the kingdom’s future.’I nodded towards her belly and Diadre’s eyes widened.‘You don’t have to decide now. We’ll discuss it again when it’s time. Until then, think about it.’
She opened her mouth to protest, but I interrupted her.‘Don’t make me pull rank, Diadre. I’m still your queen.’
