“Well, yeah. Though there might be a guy flower in there too. I’m game for my boy being an equal opportunity lover. Everybody wants Leon.”
Lee snorted.
“But in all seriousness, the gardening made me feel good. And Zoe…she, ah, she makes me feel that too. Not just because the sex is out-of-this-world fantastic either.” He was still trying to make sense of that incredible connection.
“So she’s different from those others before.”
Gavin had told Lee all about his flings and his growing dependence on booze. “Yeah. She’s special. We’re new to being together, but she’s fun. I feel good around her, clean. And as much as she makes me want to burst out of my skin when she’s around, ’cause she’s all kinds of sexy hot, she calms me too. I can’t explain it.”
“Because she’s more than a physical anchor. She’s become an emotional one.”
“I guess. Her sister died not long ago. And I know Zoe gets it. That she knows real loss. Zoe really loved her.”
“I see.” Lee leaned forward. “You’re still going to the gym?”
Change in subject, but okay. “Yeah.”
“And the nightmares? You didn’t say. Are they still with you?”
“Now that I think about it, not so much. I mean, I still have one occasionally, but not like all the time.”
“That’s good. You need to be prepared to deal with the resurgence when, not if, you get them. Anything can trigger you, even subconsciously. But the key is to not let it drag you back down, but to cope. Gardening is a wonderful tool I’d planned to mention in this session anyway. Another method of easing your worries is a pet.”
“A pet. Hell, I have Leon.”
Lee’s lips curled. “I meant something with fur or feathers. Dogs are wonderful, actually. Pets can be very therapeutic. The furry texture, that stroking, can be calming. And bonding with a living creature who loves you unconditionally, who accepts you for you are, is ideal.” He gave Gavin a hard look. “It’s so interesting how we can accept that kind of love from someone else, yet often we can’t give ourselves what we really need, out of some notion we aren’t deserving of that kind of devotion and affection.”
Gavin sighed. “Not this again.”
“We both know you won’t really begin to heal until you can accept that you’re allowed to be happy, to live a full life without any regret.”
“Aren’t regrets a part of living?”
“Sure. Like, I should have chosen the chocolate instead of the vanilla. Not, I wish it were me and not my friend in that grave.” Lee shook his head. “But we’ll talk about when you’re ready. Later. Now, something about this Zoe.”
“Yeah?”
“Are you sure you’re not replacing the relief you get from exercise with the joy of a new romance, with the physical side of sex?”
“A good question. I’ve thought about that a lot.” Gavin leaned back, staring at the ceiling with his head resting on the back of the sofa. “At first, it was about trying to get her to smile. I’d flirt, she’d ignore me. Tell me off. Then she became a challenge. It was when I backed off, figuring she wanted nothing to do with me, that we finally connected. But it wasn’t just sex at first, much as I wanted her. Now that we’re going out, kind of, I know it could end.” And that scared the piss out of him, but he wasn’t ready to tell Lee that yet. Because he wasn’t ready to admit it out loud to himself either.
“And that’s okay with you?”
“It would upset me, sure. She’s fine as hell, and she makes me laugh. But we’re not serious or anything. She’s the first woman who makes me feel good about myself, I guess. So yeah, if it ended, it might hurt.” Like having his heart ripped out through his chest with bare fingers.
“That’s what concerns me. You’re still learning to ground yourself. I think a relationship is healthy, Gavin. Don’t get me wrong. But I don’t want you to rely on her to make you feel good. You have to do that for yourself.”
“I get it. I really do.”
Lee seemed to relax. “Good. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?”
Gavin still wasn’t ready to discuss seeing his dead buddy’s sister at the grocery store a few weeks ago. Nor did he relish talking about his anxiety over Nicole, Mick’s widow, leaving him phone messages. Messages he still hadn’t listened to, because he couldn’t. Not yet.
“I’m good.”
“Okay then. Now sit up and show me how you meditate. Without all the bitching and moaning this time, I mean.”
Gavin groaned. “You still need to get laid. I just know when that happens, you’ll be much more fun to be around.”
