Nina and I were in our own little world at the end of the high-top tables the team shoved together. We split a basket of nachos, and by the end of the night, we made plans for the weekend. A simple dinner turned into a marathon date that started at seven pm Saturday and didn’t end until six am Monday morning when I had to leave to get ready for class, and Nina had to go to work.
“Doesn’t hurt to try,” Casey says easily, bringing me back to the topic at hand: sleeping with someone new.
I knew she’d say that. Casey is the Queen of Casual. I’ve always admired the way she’d see who or what she wants and unapologetically pursue it. She’s always clear about her intentions, never leading someone on, but she insists life is too short not to embrace her desires. She’s always seemed so happy, so why can’t I do that?
“How do you do it?” I ask.
“Do what?”
I lift my head, shifting so I can face her. “How do you find your one-night stands? Do you just go up to a random stranger and be like ‘Hi! Want to have sex with me?’”
She grins, not in a teasing way as if she’s mocking my cluelessness, but in this sweet way as if she finds me endearing.
“That’s not the first thing I say when approaching a stranger, no. But in the DMs?” She shrugs. “Some people are quick to cut through the bullshit in there. I mean, not me. I like a little more build up, but I’ve received my fair share of messages insinuating that.”
I cringe and sag back against the wall of the hot tub. “I don’t think I can do that.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I know. I just …” I can’t finish that thought. Instead, I worry at my bottom lip.
“Hey.” Casey grabs my hand. Her palm is so smooth and warm. “What’s going on?”
“It’s nothing,” I lie, because I’m scared to admit the truth. I’m twenty-seven years old, and Nina is the only person I’ve felt a real spark with. There’s a big part of me that is afraid I’ll never feel chemistry with someone else, and how can sex feel good without intimacy?
“Liar,” Casey says with no judgment. “What is it?”
“I’m not lying.”
She stares, and I groan. Nobody knows me better than Casey—or Nina, not that it’s relevant anymore.
“What if … Could it be …?” I shake my head.
Casey cups my cheek and turns me so I’m facing her. Still, I avert my gaze from hers, so she presses her forehead to mine.
“What’re you thinking?” Casey’s voice is soft, patient.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. The water is warm as a frog croaks in the distance. Casey’s hand is gentle and comforting on my knee, and her touch grounds me. Her closeness, the warmth of her body, and the knowledge that she would never ever judge me gives me the courage to speak the words I’d never be brave enough to say to someone else.
“I want to sleep with someone new, but I don’t want it to be a stranger. I want it to be someone I’m comfortable with, but I’m not ready to have feelings for someone new. I’m still so in love with Nina—even though I know Ishouldn’t be—that I can’t comprehend the idea of dating again, so how the hell do I find someone? Who would be okay with that? I don’t know what to do. This is so stupid.”
“I’ll do it.”
I reel backward. “What?”
“I’ll be that person for you,” she says simply. “If you want?”
Casey’s expression is so sincere, I almost believe her, but she’s joking. She has to be. This is my best friend we’re talking about. She’s my family. I barely speak to my parents or brother, not since coming out.
Nina and Casey became my chosen family. It’s just another part of why Nina’s loss aches so deep, but it’s also why I know Casey is making a confusing joke. I don’t care if she’s the Queen of Casual, shehasto be kidding. So, I burst into laughter.
“I’m serious,” Casey says with a slight frown.
“You’re drunk.”
“No. Well …?” The corner of her mouth ticks up into a smile. “A little. But I’m being serious. I know you, Dakota Spring, and I know how in your own head you get about things. You’re clearly freaking out about this, and if this will help you move on from Nina’s bitch ass?—”
“Casey,” I warn, annoyed by the way Casey and Nina have always made snide comments about one another. Since the breakup, Casey has gotten worse, but I’m not in the mood to hear Casey bash her with Nina’s engagement, leaving me so raw and vulnerable.
