The sliver of moon in the sky was not bright enough to light my way, so I pulled out my phone and used its flashlight to illuminate the ice ahead of me. In the distance, I could see a faint light coming from the windows of our house, and I ran as far as I could before slowing to a walk. The pond was silent except for the sound of my trudging. My tears turned cold against the air, running down my neck and wetting the collar of my sweater.
As I neared the midpoint between the north and south shores, I heard a buzzing, almost like the sound of a far-off chainsaw. I turned back toward the Seavey house and saw a bright headlight move slowly down the hill and out onto the ice. The engine’s roar increased as the light moved toward me, and I finally recognized it as a snowmobile speeding in my direction. I turned and kept walking with increased purpose toward my house, but as my pursuer got closer, I couldn’t feign indifference. Eventually, I turned and waited for the machine to find me, knowing it would be Seth.
He slowed, pulling up beside me and cutting the engine. He wore a coat and gloves, but no hat or helmet. He must have left in a hurry, the same way I did.
“Cricket, what are you doing?” Seth asked. “It’s pitch black. You could get hurt out here.”
“I’m fine,” I said. He waited for me to tell the truth. “I’m so embarrassed. I thought we…” I couldn’t get it out.
“You broke up with me, Cricket,” he said.
“I know.”
“Will you come back to the party so we can talk?”
“I can’t.”
“Well, at least let me drive you home. You can’t walk across the ice in the dark like this.”
I hadn’t been on a snowmobile since I was a little kid, and it suddenlyseemed scarier than I remembered, but I was too depleted to object. A part of me also welcomed the chance to be physically near Seth again, so I climbed on the back and wrapped my arms around his waist.
“You good?” he asked over his shoulder. He turned on the engine and pulled ahead, first cautiously and then with more speed, the wet air pulling my tears straight back to my hairline. Leaning my right cheek against the back of his neck to block the wind, I inhaled his clean scent, and it broke my heart all over again.
The moon hung delicately above us. From my angle, it could just as easily have been a summer moon, and we could have been zipping through the water in a boat. I clung to Seth and allowed myself to fantasize that the winter was melting away and we were flying back to the warmer season where we met. Soon we would arrive at the time before I had messed everything up.
But when we arrived at my dock, it was still winter. I climbed off the snowmobile and stared at Seth, who looked as wrecked as I felt.
“Can I come in?” he asked. “Can we talk?”
I wanted to say yes. I wanted to cocoon with Seth and let the world around us dissolve. But across the water, the Seavey house was lit up like a lantern, and I knew there was no salvaging this night. “I’m exhausted. You should go. People are waiting for you.”
“I don’t want to go back to the stupid party. I want to be with you.”
I felt my heart lift for a minute, and for the first time since Seth had walked through that door with Molly, I felt like I might actually survive this shock.
I stepped forward and leaned down as Seth reached up for my face with his gloved fingers. It was a chaotic kiss, our cold cheeks blurring as hot tears ran salty streams over our lips. When I finally pulled away, I had to catch my breath and wipe my nose.
“I’m sorry,” I said, more in love with him than ever, but still rocked by the image of his hand on Molly’s back. “I’m so confused right now. Can we talk tomorrow?”
“Okay,” he said, sounding resigned but determined. “Tomorrow.”
I watched from the frozen dock as Seth pulled away, first slowly, and then faster until he was flying toward the opposite shore. He cut a straight line for a while, but as he neared the center of the pond, he turned a large circle. All I could see was a headlight gliding around like a firefly. Eventually, he veered toward the east bay. I watched until he passed the peninsula that seemed to extinguish his light; but in the far dark, I could still hear the snowmobile’s engine ripping through the night air.
As I turned to go inside, I saw a firework pop in the sky above Greg’s house. Thebangfound me a few seconds later as it reverberated across the ice. Then another Roman candle whizzed skyward. Before long, the cadence picked up and a shower of colorful fireworks bloomed in the sky, the sparks and booms creating a cloud of joyful mayhem. I could hear whoops and cheers echoing across the pond as if they were determined to reach me.
It was a new year. I turned and trudged up the snowy slope to my house.
“Yes, she’s here. Yes. Around midnight.” I could hear my father answering questions over the phone as he ascended the stairs, his voice growing louder as he neared my bedroom. I was still scrunched under the flannel duvet, unready to face the world. My father reached the doorway and said, “I don’t think so. Let me check.”
I heard a faint knock. “Cricket?”
“Come in,” I grunted. The door opened and my father stood with the portable phone in his hand.
“Is Seth here…” He looked around and tried again. “Do you know where Seth is?”
“Seth?”
He waited, with an uneasy look on his face.
