“Good thing I don’t feel like racing, then. I’d rather just explore. Maybe we can find some good powder.”
Although I can’t see Blake’s eyes through the goggles, the way his head seems to pull back tells me I’ve surprised him, and I’m not sure how to feel about it. I don’t like that I’ve let myself get so wrapped up in racing I forgot to ride for enjoyment, but the fact Blake—a solid rider himself—can’t keep up, makes me wonder if I’d be crazy to leave the circuit.
Urging Blake forward, I fall in behind him and cruise over the slope, diving into the trees where the snow hasn’t been compacted by other riders. It gives me a floating sensation instead of a flying one, since I’m weaving through the forest rather than racing down a constructed run, but it’s just as exhilarating.
We get to the bottom and jump right back on the chairlift for another run, and Blake asks the one question I still don’t have an answer to.
“What’s up with your jailer?”
“What about him?” I’m not being evasive, I just don’t know what to say.
This time his head dips down, so even though I can’t see his eyes I know he’s saying,“really?”
I fuss with my glove to give my hands something to do. “I can’t really explain it. I’m not saying that to be difficult, I legitimately don’t know what I’m doing. I do know he’s part of the reason I’m out here instead of sleeping off a hangover though.”
“Sounds like he might be good for you.”
“I think he could be, yeah.” I make a lame attempt at an apologetic smile, which Blake accepts with a nod. “I’m not sure he’s a good thing to explore, though. At least not right now… I’m still working through it.”
“Why would it be bad?”
“He says people as fucked up as me shouldn’t be in relationships until they get their shit together. That way, they stay internally motivated to get better.”
“He actually said that?” Blake’s jaw drops.
“I mean he said it nicer, but yeah.”
“Wait, if he said youshouldn’tbe in a relationship with him does that mean you want to be?”
“Maybe?” I lift my shoulder. “I feel lessnumbwhen he’s around. At first, I thought it was because we fought all the time, and I liked that he didn’t try to coddle me the way everyone else did. Now, it’s because he seems to understand me and what I’m going through. Plus, he’s easy to talk to. I think that makes him the external motivator people like me are supposed to avoid, but I don’t want to stay away from him, either.”
“I don’t know about the external motivator shit, but I do know Jace and Kane make me feel more alive when I’m with them. They understand me in a way most people don’t, so having someone around who does that for you doesn’t sound like a bad thing.”
“It’s probably not if you haven’t spent the last few months drinking yourself to sleep every night.” I laugh without any humor.
“You’re not still doing that, are you?”
“Not for a few days. It’s easier to abstain if I’m not alone, though.”
“If he’s concerned about that, why'd he spend the night with you?”
“How did you–” I shake my head, blinking in rapid succession. “I never mentioned spending the night with him.”
“Small town.” He grins, teeth whiter than the damn snow. Hayden and I haven’t talked about what we’re doing or whether it’s okay to tell other people, but if anyone can keep a secret it’s Blake.
“Well, in that case… He thinks Iwantto get better. I guess that means he believes it’s okay to make an exception.”
“Do you want to get better?”
“Depends whatbettermeans. Do I want to stop feeling bad all the time—yeah. Do I want to move on and go back to my racing career—I don’t know.” A white cloud of breath passes through my lips as I chuckle silently. Nothing about my situation is funny, yet until Chase passed, I’d never been clueless about where I wanted my life to go. Nowadays, it seems to be all I am.
“What else would you do?” Blake’s voice holds a hint of concern.
“I don’t know that, either. That’s why I wanted to ride today. Hayden said I needed to remember why I started riding in the first place. I guess to see if I still enjoy it the way I used to.”
“And?” he prompts.
“I do. But this isn’t racing.”
