“Oh, God,” Hayden pants as his tremors start to subside.
I open my mouth to agree, but no words come out. My body is unresponsive, my limbs too heavy to move. And it’s not guilt that has me paralyzed. It’s not even exhaustion. It’s shock, coupled with a sense of wonder.
The single most exhilarating experience of my life didn’t happen on a snowboard, but in a bedroom. With a man I was determined to hate but ended up respecting. Does that mean I’m ready to leave snowboarding behind, or is this something I can have in addition? Do I even love it the way I used to?
Hayden shifts, leaning forward until he’s lying on my chest. I wrap my arms around his back and hold him to me as our breathing slows, which feels so fucking normal I drift off. The questions about where I want my life to go from here all but forgotten.
***
Standing near the chairlift, my palms are sweaty inside my gloves. I’m not sure why since I sort of made up with Blake, and he wouldn’t have agreed to ride with me if he was holding a grudge. Maybe it’s because at one time he was practically as important to me as Chase, and we’ve drifted a long way since then.
I’m pretty sure that’s my fault. You could argue that I left him behind when I went on the snowboard circuit, traveling the world while he stayed here. Then I went ballistic over his coming out, accusing him of being the guy who drove Chase out of town. Even if he’s not holding a grudge, I probably still have a lot to make up for.
“Sorry I’m late.” Blake holds up his fist for me to bump as he approaches. “My water heater isn’t big enough to handle three consecutive showers, so it takes longer to get out of the house.”
“Unless you’ve changed your habits you don’t shower before you ride. It’s okay to say you were balls deep in… your partners.” That’s something I would’ve said before we drifted apart, and I freeze for a second, wondering if my blunt comments are going to make this arealshort day. Fortunately, Blake isn’t the kind of guy to mis-read things.
“Yeah, okay.” I see his face blush under his helmet. “Guilty.”
We’re silent until we get on the chair, not because we don’t want to talk, but there are a lot of ears in a small town, and we’re both conscious of needing to keep our conversation to ourselves. Once we’re on the chair, Blake breaks the silence.
“I’m sure you’ve got questions about how things work with three people. Might as well ask them.”
“Honestly, I don’t, and even if I did, it’s not my business. The only thing I do question is why you never said anything. I’m not trying to make this about me,” I rush to clarify. “I get now that you had to do things at your own speed and all, but it’s hard not to wonder if you didn’t say anything because you thought I wouldn’t accept it.”
A white cloud erupts from his mouth as he exhales heavily. “I can understand that. And truthfully, after I saw how people accepted all the other queer couples in town, it wasn’t liking guys that I thought people wouldn’t accept. First, it was liking guys when I worked with kids. I got scared that people’s acceptance wouldn’t stretch that far. Then it was about liking two guys at once. Even I didn’t think that was possible, and I was the one having those feelings. Once I finally realized it was real—that I was genuinely into two people at the same time—I still thought I’d have to pick one or the other for anything permanent. I figured once I found that person, I’d know what to tell people.”
“You mean you’d come out as gay and name your partner?”
“Something like that,” he chuckles. “It was quite the mindfuck, thinking I’d have to choose one of them over the other to have any kind of future relationship.”
“How would you do that?”
Blake adjusts his gloves as the top of the lift comes into view. “I know now I couldn’t have—I’d have eventually felt like something was missing. At the time, I’d made a commitment to Jace first, and I’d planned to honor it. Fortunately, Jace didn’t believe in having to choose. And once I stopped trying to put myself in a specific box, I realized it actually felt right to be with both of them together.”
So much of what he’s saying mirrors what my brother went through. Questioning your feelings, wondering what people will think when the truth comes out. I know how hard all of it is because I lived it through Chase, which makes me feel sort of sick that Blake had to do it on his own. I’m glad to see it all worked out in the end, though I can’t help feeling resentful that Chase never got that chance. Not resentful of Blake and what he’s found, just… a general desire that things could’ve been different.
“Random question, which you don’t have to answer, but you really don’t know who hurt Chase enough that he’d leave town? You never…hooked upwith anyone here while you were figuring stuff out?”
“No one local,” he says just before we glide off the chair lift.
“Tourists, then?” I ask as we come to a stop at the top of the run so we can strap in.
“The spa wasn’t just a good place to pick up women.” He lifts his shoulder slightly before bending to tighten his binding.
I’m bent at the waist to adjust mine when his words register, and I snap back to my full height.Oh. My. God.How did I not put it together before? I always tried to avoid the male clients but Blakedidn’t have that same reservation. It was right in front of me the whole time and I never saw it.
“I can’t believe I never caught on.” I shake my head in disbelief.
“I tried really hard not to let you.”
“Huh,” I huff as I get my boots set.Guess I checked out of our friendship earlier than I thought if I missed that. What else did I miss while I was so focused on my riding?
“Meet you at the bottom?” Blake asks as he puts his goggles on.
“Why not just ride together?”
“I haven’t been able to keep up with you in years.”
