“I think I’m going to be stuck here forever.” I take a long sip and lean back in my chair. “Which means, by default, you are also going to be stuck here forever.”
“I’m sure nothing like that has ever happened here before.”
“I have been known to break records.”
We sit in silence for a minute, but it’s a comfortable one; despite the turmoil in my brain, it’s a peaceful one. I want to tell Ben everything. How much I don’t like Noah. How much I think I might likehim. How he is the man I lookforward to talking to and laughing with and how just the sight of him sitting on his porch makes my stomach flutter. I want to tell him that I’ll probably suck at this whole relationship and falling-in-love bit, but that if he could be patient with me, maybe this could actually be something. The thoughts roll through my mind and dance on the back of my tongue, but I can’t seem to give them voice. We’ve spent so much time together recently working on the fundraiser that he has to feel it too. Even if we can’t say it.
“I think you should give Noah another chance,” Ben finally says, his eyes locked on a spot far in the distance.
One time I was so busy yelling at an intern over the phone that I tripped while walking on my treadmill and fell flat on my chest. It took two minutes to fully regain my breath and it felt like hours.
This is so much worse than that.
I study his profile since he is very purposefully not meeting my gaze. His advice and the way he seems to not even want to look at me suggest that whatever spark I might have been feeling between us is in fact one-sided. And holy fuck, does that hurt. I mean, of course it does. No one has ever rejected me before. Probably because I’ve never allowed myself to have actual feelings before.
So thanks, Ben, for reminding me why I keep the walls up.
I don’t say anything because there’s nothing to say.
Ben finally looks my way. “I met someone, Cam.”
For a second, the words don’t compute. I want to respond that of course he met someone, we’ve met a whole host of someones since waking up here in Heart Springs.
But then he keeps talking. “Mimi set us up. She thinks we’re perfect for each other.”
Why couldn’t Mimi have thought he’d be perfect for me?
Maybe because I’m a selfish bitch who doesn’t deserve him.
I force myself to say something, if only to keep any remaining minuscule shreds of dignity intact. “That’s great. I’m really happy for you.”
He offers me a small smile. “Thanks.”
“Too bad it wasn’t you tasked with falling in love or we’d already be on our way home.” I down the rest of my wine and push out of my chair. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”
His smile turns pained. “Tomorrow.”
“Think your new girlfriend will be okay with you getting auctioned off?”
“Hopefully she’ll be the highest bidder.” There’s not a lot of conviction in his voice.
“She’s going to have to have deep pockets if you think you’re going to bring in more money than me.”
“Here’s hoping.”
I hesitate at the bottom of the steps, not willing to drag myself away just yet. “I really appreciate all you’ve done for me, Ben. It probably sounds strange and maybe a little bit pathetic, but I think you might be the best friend I’ve ever had.”
A wave of something like anguish washes over his face. “Cam…”
I force out a stilted laugh. “Okay, that actually was even more pathetic than I intended. Anyway, thank you for the wine.” I turn and race down the walkway, for a second considering hopping right over the fence so I can get to my front door as soon as possible. But I know I’m not smooth enough to pull that off and the only thing that could make tonight worse would be falling flat on my face.
“Cam!” Ben’s voice halts me in my steps, right as I reach his gate. He trails halfway down the path. “I don’t have to go on a date. I could tell Mimi I’m not interested, if I had a good reason. Is there a good reason I should tell Mimi I’m not interested, or not available?”
I open my mouth to give him a hundred reasons why he should forget that other girl and choose me, but I close it just as quickly. I’m not good for Ben. I’m not good for anyone, really, but especially someone like him. I’m sure this girl Mimi has picked out for him likes kids and animals and is probably a kindergarten teacher or a librarian or a fellow doctor. Someone who knows how to help people. Someone who knows how to put others in front of her own selfish needs. Someone who is the complete opposite of me.
“Go on your date, Ben. I’m sure it will be great. I can’t wait to hear all about it.” I don’t wait for a response, pushing through my own gate, barely making it through my front door before the tears start flowing.
Huh. Wasn’t sure my tear ducts still worked. But if the rest of the night is any indication, they’re going to make up for losttime.
