“No, but that’s only because you’re a good person.”
“And you’re not?” He looks like he wants to throttle me, and honestly I don’t blame him.
“Obviously.”
Jack pushes his glasses up on his forehead, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. “I have a real question for you, and I’d like a genuine answer.”
Shrugging, I hop onto the counter. This conversation is wearing me out and I’m about to fold. Also, it gives me a good excuse to not have to look at him.
“Why can’t you see the good in yourself, the good that we all see in you?”
“I know my positive traits, Jack. I’m a hard worker. I’m smart. I’m pretty hot and good in bed.” I lean back on my hands, kicking my feet like I’m a kid on a swing. “I’m also a selfish asshole.”
His eyes burn into the side of my face. “Who told you that?”
I study the plaid of my flannel pajama pants with great interest. “What do you mean?”
“Exactly what I said. Who told you you’re selfish?” He moves so he’s standing directly in front of me. “You didn’t come to that conclusion on your own, so who told you that?”
“You gonna go beat him up or something?” I attempt to infuse the words with sarcasm and good old-fashioned deflection because the tears are coming again. The pressure continues to build in my chest, and I’m one more thoughtful comment away from breaking.
“Maybe.”
I chance a glance up, expecting to see one of his quirky smirks. But he’s serious. And pissed. Brows furrowed and eyes dark.
“Do we really have to do this, Jack? I don’t want to talk about my fucked-up childhood, okay? I don’t need to cry to you about my parents.”
He sucks in a sharp breath. “Are you kidding me right now?” He shakes his head slightly, and his anger morphs to disappointment and hurt.
And my heart falls. “I didn’t mean it like that.” I reach for him, but he steps away from me. “Fuck. I’m sorry, Jack.”
And I’m a sorry excuse for a human being, because a little part of me feels vindicated. See, I told you so, I am a total asshole. I wait in silence for Jack to leave, because that’s what people tend to do when you hurt them over and over again.
But even though he maintains the space between us, he doesn’t leave. “Sadie, I could give you a hundred examples of the things you do on a daily basis that are the antithesis of selfish. You’re one of the most giving people I’ve ever met.” His lips tilt up in a bemused smile. “And yeah, sometimes that generosity comes with a dose of snarky honesty, but it doesn’t negate the kindness. Not even a little bit.” He places his hands on the counter, one on either side of me. “So should I start listing all the nice things you do, prove to you that you are one big marshmallow of feelings, or do you want to tell me how we ended up here?” He leans in, letting his warmth wrap around me.
I inhale deeply. Coffee and paper and what I’ve come to think of as home. We’re the same height in this position and he completely fills my line of vision. And I don’t want him to move. It’s suddenlyimperative he remain right where he is, as if he’s the only thing holding me together. So I start talking.
“My dad is a narcissist. And not the kind who thinks he’s a hotshot or whatever. Like the actual clinical, sociopathic definition of the word.” For a second, I focus on Jack’s eyes, watching as they darken to a deep emerald, but then the emotion in them overwhelms me and I let my gaze drift down to his chest, to the dragon crest printed on his soft cotton T-shirt. “He was pretty abusive, emotionally and verbally. Liked to call me stupid if I brought home an A minus, tell me how dumb and petty my feelings were when I would tell a story, that kind of thing.” I give him the least of it, because I can’t bring myself to say the rest out loud. “I actually stopped talking at home for a while, believe it or not. I couldn’t ever seem to find the right words, the magic words that would make him happy, so I stopped trying.” Huh. I never really made the connection until now. I went from being afraid to open my mouth to never shutting up, a trait that really only kicked in once I became friends with Harley, Nick, and Gemma in college.
“And your mom?” Jack’s voice is low, rumbly with suppressed anger.
“She got it just as badly as I did.” I shrug it off. “I don’t blame her. Not anymore.”
“You should. She should’ve protected you.” Jack’s grip on the counter tightens, those beautiful fingers turning white with tension.
“She did her best. She’s as much a victim as I was.” It took me a long time to get to that place with my mom. In my head, I mean, since I haven’t ever shared this with her, since it would involve talking to her, and that’s not a thing I do. But holding on to all that anger wasn’t goodfor me (yay for college mental health services!), and I had to let some of it go before it ate me up inside. “Besides, it’s all in the past now. I left California right after high school graduation. Moved to New York, and I haven’t been back since. No lasting harm done.”
“Except for the lasting harm that prevents you from seeing how amazing you are.”
I open my mouth to argue with him, but he places a single finger there, and the brush of his skin on my lips is enough to stop the words in their tracks.
“I didn’t do all of this as some sort of gesture out of the goodness of my heart, Sade. I did this to put a tiny dent into the debt I owe you. Because you’ve done more for me in the past five months than I’ll ever be able to repay you for.” He traces his thumb over my bottom lip.
And oh god, I’m pretty sure my insides just melted into a pile of actual goo. And please, god, let this be the moment he kisses me. Because there’s a good chance I might die if he doesn’t kiss me. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything as much as I want, right now in this moment, for Jack Thomas to kiss me.
He removes his finger and takes a blasted step away from me. “I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you. And I’m trying, I promise I’m trying to get there. I just need a little more time.”
It’s the closest he’s ever come to acknowledging this zing between us, and I don’t know where exactlythereis, but I know I’ll give him all the time he needs. I still can’t wrap my head around Jack’s thinking he’s the one who needs to come up to my standards; the idea is too ridiculous to make any sort of sense in my brain.
