“Telling me you loved me then would’ve turned to me resenting you now. We weren’t ready. It was too much going on. Too much to fight through. I would’ve placed my healing on you and you on me and when fell short we would’ve been left with nothing.”
DJ turned face her. “What about now?”
“You could love me the same after all of that?” Nyna asked truly curious.
“Nyna, I’m not trying to sound arrogant or nothing,” he started.
“But you’re going to.”
“I don’t give a fuck about that, nigga. He didn’t even know what he was holding for real. Why am I going to look at you different because a nigga mishandled you. You gotta at least pretend you know who I am. What kind of fabric I’m cut from.”
“The fabric is discontinued. They don’t make it anymore,” Nyna muttered.
“Not unless I’m recreating it with you. You’re the only one who gets to have me like that,” DJ announced.
“Boy stop acting like you been out here playing it safe. No need to lie to me,” Nyna replied.
“I’ve never lied to you a day in my life. I wasn’t fuckin’ up and have a kid that wasn’t yours too.”
She chuckled to herself. “Wow.”
“What?”
She took him in. “I thought I was tripping. Over thinking every move I made. But humor me, if I would’ve popped up yesterday with a kid?”
“Call me Daddy DJ. I would’ve changed the little niggas name and all. Why you playing, Nyna? You’ve been gone three years and some months and I’m still fucked up behind you. You’re mine and that’s that.”
“You’re mine and that’s that, is a wild way of getting this back on track.”
“Nah, what would’ve been wild was if I walked into you shit yesterday snatched your ass up and moved you in. I gave you a day. See a nigga calmed down,” DJ said jokingly.
Nyna laughed and shook her head. “Nah, you’re still crazy. Because you could’ve given me a week.”
“Baby, I gave you three years.”
“So I could say I gave you three years too,” she countered before pulling a deep sigh. “Regardless of how it turned out we both needed that space. At least for me I needed to learn to how to keep my backbone and not cave in when a nigga didn’t get his way.”
“You right,” DJ admitted. “I had to leave the streets alone. You wanna know what my biggest fear is?”
“Me burying you before we’ve lived for real,” she rambled off like it was second nature. “And you having to bury me.”
DJ took her hand and laced his fingers through hers. “I’m sorry I didn’t come get you or make you stay. I’m sorry you had hell I couldn’t protect you from.”
Nyna blinked tears away. “I’m sorry too. For letting grief shape my ability to see that you were going through it too. Deeper than me because…”
“Gang shit.”
“Gang shit,” she buzzed. “Where are you with that now?”
“Is that going to make a difference how we move forward?” he posed wanting nothing more than to see where you head was. It’d determine how he’d set his timeline up.
“Yeah,” Nyna answered honestly. “We could be together or not but my greatest fear is not having you in any capacity. I’d rather than tension linger between us than wrestle with your ghost. And if you’re serious about wanting me you can’t have both anymore. While I want love externally I know that comes within. But you’re my security. If I can’t have that one hundred percent I might as well be back in Lavendale on my own.”
“I’m out. In whatever sense of being out really means. You know once you put on this chain and take that flag you’re in it. But I’m legit. The money is legit. The moves are legit.”
“Why are you still in that house?”
DJ pulled in a deep breath. “’Cause in my mind he’s still there. We’re still that group on the porch. Pieces of you are stillthere and Big Mama’s spot is block away and she refuses to move.”
