He touched the scarf about his neck. The one Noelle had knitted for him, even before he had given her a reason to forgive him, much less trust him. All he’d given her in return were more reasons to lose faith in him all over again. All in the name of England.
The road widened as the carriage exited the forest and clattered out between wide swaths of farmland. At this pace, they would make it to the first posting-house in no time. Be in London earlier than expected. One more face amongst the many. An automaton serving the House of Lords and nothing more.
Was this who he wished to be? Cold, dutiful, emotionless? He was not that man anymore, if he ever truly had been. He would have to do better. Noelle deserved so much more than he’d been able to give.
Sharp, familiar fear pricked the edges of his mind. The terrible conviction that if he opened himself up, if he let himself love, if he admitted the truth out loud, he would lose her anyway. He drew in a shallow breath.
Weren’t some things worth everything? Wasn’t Noelle worth the risk?
For so long, Benjamin had believed he would be worth nothing as a gentleman if he did not give his all to the House of Lords. He now suspected the lowlier man would be the featherwit who let the chance of the love of a lifetime slip away yet again.
What use was being the hero of Parliament, if he could not be a hero to the woman he loved most?
With a sudden movement, he signaled the driver to stop the coach at once.
The horses halted obediently. It was Benjamin’s heartbeat that ran amok.
Carefully, the horses turned the carriage about in the slippery lane and headed back in the direction they had come. He urged the driver to make haste.
Winning Noelle back wouldn’t be easy. Perhaps he was already too late. He had left her twice. She might be unwilling to try a third time. But it didn’t matter. He had to try. She was worth any risk at any price.Lovewas worth it.
The horses raced back up the narrow path curving around the mountain. There would be no return toward London today. By the time the beasts would arrive at the castle, they would be too exhausted to continue on.
Benjamin didn’twantto continue on. Not alone. He wanted Noelle. He needed her to know how much he loved her. How much he regretted every moment without her. How he hoped never to part again. He had to get to her. Snow sprayed from the wheels of the carriage as he took curve after curve.
Mr. Fawkes was right. Itwasbetter to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all… But it was even better to get his imbecilic arse back to Cressmouth posthaste and do his damnedest not to lose Noelle.
He knew how much she loved her mountain village, how much a part of her it was. She had no reason to trust him. She might not wish to share her life with him even if she believed his heart was true.
Perhaps the issues weren’t insurmountable. He would beg her hand and find a way. Although he couldn’t promise himself solely to Cressmouth, he could promise himself to her. Even if he turned out not to be enough, Noelle was worth fighting for.
He had to try.
Chapter 16
Noelle sat at Penelope’s dining nook with one elbow propped upon the table and her chin in her hand. Although her dear friend did her best to distract her with impassioned scientific explanations about the chemical compounds in her newest perfume, nothing could keep Noelle’s mind from Benjamin. No quantity of piping hot tea could chase away the endless chill inside her heart.
The moment she let her guard down, her worst fear came true. She had been seated right here at Penelope’s breakfast table when the coach with his ducal crest had rolled by.
He had left her, exactly as her parents had done. Just like she had expected. She had known not to believe it could be different this time. It was not his fault.
She could not accuse him of raising false hopes. Making love had been her idea. More than an idea, it had been an intimacy she had yearned to share with him for so long. If she was feeling melancholy because she hadn’t been strong enough to say goodbye, it was no one’s fault but hers.
Her lungs froze in sudden horror.
Was lack of goodbye not the precise situation that had hurt Benjamin the most, time and again? The very reason the locket about her neck was so precious to him was because everyone he ever cared about had been ripped from him before he had a chance to say goodbye.
His family had not meant to leave him so abruptly.
Noelle had done it by design.
She lowered her face into her hands.
“Are you all right?” Penelope asked softly.
Noelle pushed to her feet. “I have to go.”
She could not impose on Penelope any longer.
