Any more time with her, and the damage would be irreversible. His soul would be inextricably linked to hers. Retreating while he still could was the only way to protect his heart.
If there were any pieces left unbroken.
The castle slipped from view. He tried not to feel the loss. There was no room in his life for sentimentality. He was expected to speak on a new law within a week. To meet with a half dozen committees dedicated to improving the lives of citizens all over England. That was his priority. Hisduty. How could a man in his position possibly choose one person over many, no matter how much he loved her?
He almost slid out of his seat in shock.He loved her.
Bloody hell. It was too late for defensive measures. He had not fortified his shields in time. Precisely as he had feared, his soul was bound to hers—and he still had to leave.
He tightened his fists in his lap. This desperation clawing through his chest proved the point. If he married Noelle, he would want to spend every moment of his time with her, wherever she might be. That wasn’t a choice. Such a union would either mean shirking his duties to Parliament or his commitment to his wife.
Neither outcome was acceptable. He could not force Noelle to London only to leave her in an empty home while he spent all his time in the Palace of Westminster, embroiled in endless committees. Besides, she had no wish to leave Cressmouth. He had asked her. She had been clear.
The carriage clopped by a merry red sign partially dusted with snow:
Thank you for visiting Christmas!
His gut twisted in revulsion. Was it any wonder he hated the holiday? All it had ever brought him was loss.
This time, he had caused the loss himself.
Driving away and leaving Noelle behind wasn’t allowing him to return to his old life. It was destroying an alternate one. A better life he couldn’t have.
His heart clenched with longing as he thought of how sweet she had looked in the morning light, sleeping softly by his side. She was an angel.
A sudden drop of ice pierced him inside at the realization of what he had done.
He had hurt her so badly the first time he had left, never to return. Now he was doing it all over again. No wonder she was avoiding him, as though he didn’t exist. As if the passion they had shared was meaningless. Soon, it would be.
All that would be left was the imprint each had left behind.
Chapter 15
The further Benjamin got from Cressmouth, the emptier he felt inside. The long empty path ahead seemed both physical and metaphorical. How he hated that he hadn’t been able to find Noelle before he left! One more separation without a goodbye in a long, sad history of regret.
The snow swirling all around him evoked the sleigh ride they had shared. The frosted tips of the evergreens lining the road reminded him of how warm it had been in that greenhouse when he’d finally given into temptation and kissed her. He was a long way from home and the distance was getting further with every mile.
At that thought, his chest tightened. When he had clasped the locket about Noelle’s neck, he wasn’t giving her his heart.Shewas his heart. The locket was now just an object, but she was everything. And he had been forced to leave her behind.
The horses slowed as they pulled the carriage over a narrow bridge. It felt as though he were crossing not just a stream, but from one life to another. From laughter to loneliness. From Noelle… to nothing.
His stomach twisted. Returning to London should not feel like a part of him was dying. He was being responsible. He was performing his duty.
Yet all he could think about was Noelle. Watching her giggle and tear up at a play she had seen a dozen times. The mirth on her face when they realized Mr. Fawkes had delivered a pear tree instead of a partridge. The way she had teased him about goats and birds and perfume. How brilliant she was. The counting house, how helpful she was to her friends, how quickly she had arranged the opening ceremony for the aviary. His breath grew shallow.
Every moment of the northern holiday he had never wished to take, Noelle had stood by his side. She had done much more than make it bearable. Whether they were laughing together, working together, or making love together, she filled his heart with joy. He was his happiest when he was with her.Shewas the missing piece he had been looking for all along.
And now she was gone. His heart banged against his chest in protest.
The driver picked up speed. This far from Cressmouth, the snow had disappeared. The ground was no longer frozen. The steeds carried them further, faster. No matter what Benjamin’s heart might want. He rubbed his face.
The only person he could blame for leaving Noelle behind was himself. This morning, he had chosen to summon his horses, climb in his carriage, return to London. But he’d put up his walls long before that. Years ago when they’d shared their first kiss, he had already become cold and inaccessible.
This time was worse. He had closed her off from his heart when all he wanted was to let her inside. She made him a better person. Her willingness and ability to force him out from where he was most comfortable had been good for him. Good for them. She enriched his life.
And she didn’t evenknow.
He slumped back against the squab. He had been a fool to leave without telling her. Without explaining how much she meant. Even if he returned for occasional visits… it would be far less than she deserved. Far less than he wanted.
