KIERAN
There were days I woke up ready to fight tooth and nail to prove to the world that I was worthy of the luxuries my father's station afforded us…Today was not one of those days.
To be fair, it never mattered how hard I tried. With each passing day, I grew more and more tired of being a complete embarrassment to my family name. My father would probably share the same sentiment of exhaustion. Such a shame, for the sake of his precious family legacy, that he never had the male heir he always wanted. Having one would have made both of our lives a hell of a lot more enjoyable.
This was one of those mornings where my alarm came to life like our war horns: incessant, loud, and obnoxious. It pulled me from sinful dreams that washed away the hurt inflicted upon me by the waking world. Which I found quite rude, so the only recourse was to flop over and smash my fist into the machine with a growl so feral I couldn’t help but wonder if my hidden affinity reallywaswith taming the mythical beasts of our world. Perhaps they’d respond well to similar sounds.
The plastic gave way with ease and blissful silence reigned at last. As the ringing in my ears faded, the corners of my lips tugged up in a smirk.Victory.
“Peace at last,” I murmured into the side of my black satin pillow. I settled back in, accepting the tongue-lashing I knew I would get from my father when he found out I skipped affinity placement testing. Again.
I mean, honestly, what did one—or twelve—missed test matter anymore? So far, we determined that I didn’t have an affinity to be a member of any of the major placements…Elementalist, Angelic Army, or Magic User. Hell, I couldn’t even get into the minor placements like Potion Master, Divine Weaponsmith, or Beast Tamer.
To put it simply, I was a dud, and I was taunted mercilessly by other angels my age, constantly hearing whispers that my parents must be counting down the days until they could cast me aside. School had been rough. Some days, when the darkness of my mind threatened to pull me under as a hostage in my own body, I wondered if they were right.
Shoving a body pillow back between my legs, I pleaded with my brain to lull me back to the land of dreams, where a certain warm-blooded fallen man would be between my legs instead of this damn pillow. If only there were suitors in this realm that made my body feel as alive ashim. The skin on my arms pebbled at the thought of his fingers trailing along my bare back, jolts of lightning running just beneath the surface of my skin in the wake of his touch. The way his fingers sank into the hair at the base of my neck, tugging on the golden locks until I was arched and on my knees for him was a move I came to expect in each dream.
It was sad that I still pined over the fallen angel I fucked in a moment of sheer rebellion a few months ago. Certainly there had to be someone who wasn’t against the law for me to bewith and that I’d feel that same draw to…Right?There were so many questions surrounding him, though. How did he get back up here? What was he doing here? And most importantly, why in the ever-loving hell did we feel such a draw to each other the moment our eyes connected that night in the library?
My lips parted and a breathy sigh fell across them just before the hinges of my door squeaked, alerting me to the presence of a visitor. Pain in my palms flared to life, showing just how tightly my hands fisted at the unwelcome intrusion.
“Kieran, get up!” my mom attempted to snap at me. With her gentle voice, it came across more like a plea than a demand. Unfortunately, that worked a hell of a lot better on me. I groaned as her soft footfalls padded across my room before I heard the whoosh of my curtains being shoved open.
There was no getting out of being dragged to testing now. Just splendid.
Light flooded my vision, and I turned my face into the pillow to escape it. I let out a muffled little scream of frustration knowing she’d think nothing of the sound. After all, it was from her that I learned this shared coping mechanism as a child—let it all out in private so we could put on the face expected of us in public.
My mattress dipped, causing me to roll out of the pillow and slightly toward her as she took a seat on the edge. Warmth seeped into my skin as her small hand settled on my exposed shoulder. My lips tugged into a grimace. Not for the first time, I wished that her touch and presence brought me peace instead of resigned acceptance. The intention was there, but it felt like she was just going through the motions of being a mother.
“I know your father has high expectations of you.” My brows rose at her words. High expectations was putting it mildly. “But you can’t give up, Ki. You have less than a year left to find youraffinity, or…” She tailed off, apparently not wanting to speak about my likely future.
I heaved a sigh, knocking her hand off of me in the process of pushing up to sit on my hip. Our gazes locked, and despite our matching hazel eyes, blonde hair, and full pink lips, I couldn’t help but feel like a complete stranger to the woman across from me. She didn’t understand me in the slightest.
I didn’t want to become an Archangel like my father. All I wanted was to find my place in this world, a place where I would be loved unconditionally. It was clear that place wasnothere, in their home. My parents expected excellence in all areas, and their plan for my life ended with me in a position of power. I wanted no part of the corrupt system that flourished within Alfemir.
“You can say it, Mom,” I urged, shrugging my shoulders in acceptance. “If I don’t find my affinity within the year, my wings will be barbarically ripped from my body and I’ll be cast down to live with the humans.”
Thatwas a law conveniently put into place when I was a child. The higher ups decided that was a better option than allowing the possibility of the fallen angel army to build their ranks with the individuals they outcast from our world. Better someone’s identity be ripped away from them than give them a choice to find a home with others of their kind that might oppose you, I guess.
This place was fucked.
My words made her flinch, but I schooled my own expression to remain unchanged. It was just a fact—there wasn’t room for the weak and useless among the ranks of angels here. That was made abundantly clear to me by my father drilling it into my head growing up.
Her eyes fell, apparently unable to even discuss the possibility with me. “I’ll tell your father to go easy on you todaywhen he finds out you’re late,” she rushed to say, and her voice hitched, the faintest tremble of fear audible to me. “I’ll tell him you were sick.”
Classic Mom.
I couldn’t help the small shake of my head as I huffed. Once again,thiswas her attempt at motherly love. That particular cover story stopped working six years ago. Now it just added to his fury. In truth, all I ever wanted from Mom was to see her stand up for herself…and to take me away from here. I gave up on those dreams long ago.
Squeezing her hand that had dropped on my comforter, I sighed deeply. “Thanks, Mom.”
We both knew that talking to him wouldn’t help me, but if it made her feel better to say it, I wouldn’t take that from her. Did I owe that to her? Probably not, but there was still the part of me that didn’t want to make her situation even worse. Neither of us celebrated many wins around here, not since she was proclaimed unable to have more children and I failed all early tests for affinity inclinations as a child…and never improved. We were both failures in my father’s eyes.
We stared at each other, and for a fleeting moment, I saw something akin to regret lingering in the depths of her golden-green flecked eyes. In the time it took for me to blink, the emotion was gone. Back in its place was the blank stare I was so accustomed to seeing on her face. She made it impossible to understand her…to love her.
A single eyebrow arched as a thought occurred to me. Maybe losing my wings wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen to me. Despair settled in me at the thought, though. Losing my wings meant leaving behind everything I knew. Even worse, I’d have to live with that knowledge that I failed, andthatwasn’t something that would ever sit right with me.
I felt my brows pinch together as I sank further into my thoughts. The predicament facing me was one I never really thought I would find myself in. I’d gone to bed so many nights with my final thought being,“You’re just a late bloomer, Ki. Tomorrow’s the day.”
