“Maybe I’m not,” I mumbled. “Maybe, deep down, I’m really the dude who just got lucky a bunch of times, so it was easy to be the good guy. Don’t they say that it’s in adversity that a person’s true colors are shown? Well, mine aren’t pretty, Em. It’s possible that I’m a real dick at heart.”
She laughed softly, and even though I was feeling lower than a pig’s teats, I had to chuckle, too. It was a relief to finally say some of the shit I’d been burying down so deep.
“You’re not a dick, bud. Not at all. I wouldn’t have you as my bestie if you were.”
I grimaced. “Emma, I love you, babe, you know I do, and I’m glad we’re best friends, but if you ever call me yourbestieagain, I’m gonna have to stop talking to you.”
“Again?” she teased. “Oh, simmer down. I only said it to make you smile.”
“Hmph.” I stretched my knee, gritting my teeth at the stab of pain that resulted. “Em, I have not one fucking clue what I’m supposed to do now. I wish . . . damn, do you know what the weirdest thing is? I wish Ang was here to tell me what to do, but if she was still here, none of this would be happening.”
“Can I tell you what I think Angela would say if she could have a five-minute conversation with you from the beyond?” Emma sounded tentative.
“Sure. Go for it. You knew Ang. The two of you hit it off. If anyone could channel her, it would probably be you.” I smiled a little, thinking of how much Angela had liked Emma.
“Okay. I think Ang would tell you that life doesn’t offer an infinite number of chances. I think she’d say . . . Noah, if you were drawn to Alison before, when the two of you conceived this baby, why wouldn’t you move heaven and earth to get another chance with her now? Angela would say that if she could pick out any woman in the world to love you after she herself was gone, it would be someone like Alison.” She paused. “Oh, and she would want you to know that you’re going to be a kickass daddy.”
“Damn, Em. Now you’ve gone and made me all misty.” I coughed, laughing a little to cover up my emotions. “Wonder if Angela would have any insight into how I get Alison to actually talk to me again after I was such an ass to her.”
“I think she’d say . . . time to grovel, big boy.” Emma sounded amused, and I could picture her smiling. “But first—and this is more me than Angela talking—you need to get your own head on straight. Clean up your act, Noah. Figure out this mess with Juliet. Decide if you really want her in your life—which will complicate your situation with Alison, but that’s your choice. Apologize to all of the friends you’ve alienated over the past month or so. Maybe even call your mother and make nice.”
I groaned. “You had me until you mentioned Mom. I don’t even want to think about what she’s going to say when I have to tell her that I’m having a baby with a woman who’s not my wife. Not even my steady girlfriend.”
“Well . . .” Emma drew out the word. “Maybe you don’t have to worry about your mother yet. It might be better to have a more definite plan in mind about Alison and the baby before you tell your parents. It’ll make you seem more adult and responsible.”
“Neither of which I’ve been doing well lately, huh?” I was silent for a few seconds. “I really did fuck up, didn’t I, Em?”
“Yes, you did.” Typical Emma, she wasn’t going to show mercy or pull punches. “But I don’t think it’s anything beyond repair. I think you still have time to fix it.”
“Let’s hope.” I had to admit, I felt a little better after talking with Emma. Maybe part of that was considering what Angela might have advised. “You know, Em, while I was in the hospital—I’m not sure if it was when I was having the surgery or when I was out of it afterward—but I think I dreamed about Angela. Like, that we had a real conversation. We were sitting on a blanket in this garden back in Wisconsin, and she was talking to me . . .” I closed my eyes again and let the feathery memory sweep over me. “I don’t remember much of what she said—only the echo of the very last part.”
“Was it ‘Listen to everything Emma says’?”
“No, but close.” The corners of my mouth tipped up. “She said ‘Live your life and don’t be a dumbass.’”
Emma sniffed a little bit. “That sounds just like what she would say.”
“I know.”
We were both quiet for a moment before I asked, “Em, do you think that kind of shit is real? Like people who have died visiting us in our dreams?”
“I wouldn’t ever dare to make a judgment call on that kind of thing, bud. But I have to admit that if it were possible, I’d trust Angela to find a way to get to you.”
“I’d agree.” I let out a long, ragged breath. “Okay. I guess I need to . . . what did you say before? Figure my shit out?”
“If I didn’t say that exact thing, I should’ve,” she sassed me back. “But listen. Don’t call Alison tonight. When I talked to her, she sounded absolutely exhausted, and that’s not good for her or the baby. Let her get a good night’s sleep, and then make your move. Whatever it might be.”
“Yeah, okay. That’s a good idea. Any idea what that move ought to be?”
“I believe I mentioned groveling earlier. Start there.”
“And then?”
Emma huffed out a laugh. “And then . . . you follow whatever lead Alison gives you. And Noah . . .” Her voice took on a subtle note of warning. “This time, don’t fuck it up.”
3
Alison
