I knew what I had to do. Now if only I could work up the nerve to survive it.
Chapter 18
Noah
“Where’s the baby?”
Alison walked into the kitchen, her face etched with fatigue. We’d had a long and trying few days as Evangeline had apparently been going through a growth spurt: she nursed almost constantly and was difficult to console the rest of the time. She’d fought sleep, and she’d cried piteously no matter what we’d tried to do.
The pediatrician had assured us that this was normal and we’d get through it, but privately, I thought he was a heartless imbecile who clearly didn’t understand that our daughter was advanced and needed more attention than the typical newborn.
But finally, today we’d caught a break. Alison had gone upstairs to take a shower—her first in three days—and somehow, I’d managed to get the baby to sleep without the benefit of a boob. More than that, I’d actually laid her in the crib without waking her up. I was pretty satisfied with myself, all in all. I was also crossing my fingers that she’d stay asleep long enough that her mother and I could do something wild and crazy . . . like sit down and eat a meal together, at the same time.
“She’s asleep in the crib,” I answered Alison now with a smile, waiting for the praise she was about to heap on me. “I figured it was better for her to sleep there than in the cradle so you didn’t have to worry about waking her up after you got out of the shower.”
She blinked at me, frowning. “Oh. You got her to sleep?”
“I did.” Mentally, I patted myself on the back. “Can you believe it? She actually went to sleep without nursing. Maybe we’re turning a corner.”
Alison stared at me, and in her eyes, I didn’t see relief and joy. Instead it seemed as though she was upset. Maybe even about to cry.
In the past week, I’d been trying to follow my mother’s advice and show my love to Alison in as many ways as possible. But I wasn’t sure the message was getting through. Maybe now was the time for words, to lay out for her exactly how much I loved her and what I wanted for our future together.
But before I could get started, she began to speak.
“Noah, I’ve been thinking. I’m sure you’re ready to get back to your real life, and now that the baby’s here, you can do that. I really appreciate everything you did for me—for us—while I was pregnant and that you stayed here to give me a hand in these first few weeks. But I think I can handle it now.”
“What?” I asked dumbly, not comprehending what she was saying. “What are you talking about, Alison?”
“Well, this was always the plan, wasn’t it?” she went on as if she was conversing about the weather. “You must be looking forward to a normal life again. Your new job will be starting soon. It’ll be so much easier for you to commute from Tampa.” She wheeled around, turning her back to me as she opened the refrigerator.
“Alison, I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” The numbness was wearing off and being replaced with hurt and anger. “What plan? We never planned for—well, we didn’t say—” I stopped because the truth was that we hadn’t planned for anything beyond the baby’s birth aside from some vague talk about me staying with her when Alison first went back to work. We hadn’t come up with any details because neither of us had been willing to discuss the future.
“Listen.” I tried again. “Alison, sweetheart, I should have—”
“Please don’t, Noah.” Her voice was taut. “Please don’t. You promised me once that we’d always be honest and that you’d never do anything for me out of pity. Don’t break that promise now.”
“I’m not!” I yelled, and then remembering the sleeping baby, lowered my voice. “I wouldn’t ever do that. For Christ’s sake, Alison, don’t you realize it by now? Are you blind? I’m in love with you.”
“No, you’re not.” Her back was stiff as she turned it to me. “You’re not. You thought you were because of the baby, but you shouldn’t confuse gratitude with love. You’re grateful that I had Evangeline. But you don’t love me.”
“The hell I don’t,” I growled in a whisper. “What about those nights before she was born? Didn’t you feel it in every touch? Couldn’t you tell that I was trying to show you how much I love you? We were so close then—I thought you knew—”
“Oh, yes, so close that the minute we came home from the hospital, you couldn’t wait to get away from me, could you?” Alison was whispering furiously. “You made it clear that we were exactly what we always said we’d be—co-parents. Friendly partners raising a child in two households. If that’s what you want, then I think we should make it official and stop pretending otherwise.”
“Alison.” She wasn’t listening to me, and it was making me nuts. “Do you hear yourself? Do you know what you’re doing? You’re trying to protect yourself, pushing me away before I can hurt you. Can’t you see that I never would?”
“But you did.” The three words stung, hitting me where I was most vulnerable, and in return, I lashed out.
“You know what, Alison? This is why you end up alone. Your over-developed sense of self-preservation turns into a self-fulfilling prophesy that ends with you by yourself. Alone. You’re so scared that I’ll abandon you that you’re going to push me out before I can do it.”
Her eyes went wide, and her head snapped back as if I’d struck her. One hand lifted, her finger pointing to the door.
“Get out, Noah. Get out of my house now.”
* * *
I left, but I didn’t go home.
