I frowned, not following the direction of her thoughts. "Yeah, I went to talk to Father George last week. Two days after I was at your house. Why?"
"I'm just having a little trouble…" She squirmed on the bed and looked like she was trying to figure out how to say something. "Not three weeks ago, you weren’t taking my calls. You weren’t talking to Emma. You were living with another woman. And from all appearances, you looked like you were practicing destructive behavior." She was choosing her words carefully, I could tell. "This one-hundred-and-eighty-degree turn in your attitude… it's great, and I'm not complaining, but I guess I'm a little suspicious. Or maybe suspicious isn’t the right word,” she hurried to add. “Dubious is what I meant. Maybe I’m just worried that it's not for real. I wonder what happens if I say yes to you, and you move into my house. What if everything’s fine for a month or two, but then something happens, and you decide to go off the deep end again…" She gave a helpless little shrug. "Do you remember the other day when I told you that our relationship can only be as friendly co-parents because I can't always be trusted to make good decisions in my current state?"
"I remember," I nodded my voice rough. "Yeah, I remember that."
"Having you living under my roof is only going to make that worse. My pregnancy hormones will try to convince me that we’re going to ride off into the sunset together when you and I both know that’s not going to happen.” Alison shook her head. “It just seems to me that given our past, and given what you've been through in the last three or four months, maybe forced proximity isn't the best idea."
I weighed her words for a moment, considering them carefully because now I understood her reluctance. I wasn't sure that I could explain what I was feeling or thinking in a way that would change her mind. But I had to give it a try.
"From your point of view, Alison, I see what you mean," I said slowly. "It does look like a pretty radical change in direction for me. But the truth is that what I'm feeling now, what I want to do now, is more in line with who I've always been than who I was after I got out of the hospital.Thatwas the aberration.Thisis who I really am. The guy who was your wedding buddy and who took you out to dinner later that week? That was the real me. I hate what I let myself become. I have no one to blame but me. But if I'm the one to blame, I'm also the one who can pull myself out of it. And that's what I'm doing right now."
Alison swiveled her head so that she was looking away from me. “I want to believe that you're telling me the truth, Noah, but you have to understand that I'm in a very vulnerable position right now. I'm pregnant. I'm alone. I've made the hardest, scariest decision of my entire life, and not a day goes by that I don't worry that I'm not going to be able to be a decent mother. I'm terrified of screwing this up. It would be really easy for me to say yes to you, let you move in, and pretend that we’re living out some happily ever after fantasy. But what happens to me when you get bored with playing house? What happens when Juliet decides that she's not going to wait for you and demands that you choose between us? Then I'm left alone again, and I'm not sure that I could handle that."
Her brutal, raw honesty was nearly my undoing. I wanted to swoop down, hold her in my arms and cradle her against my chest. I wanted to make her every promise that my lips could form. I wanted to assure her that the day would never come when I would leave her behind and alone.
But deep down, maybe I couldn’t quite rely on myself, either. I knew that I could make the promises, but could I keep them? Six months ago, I would have sworn that I could. Now, after everything I’d been through, I didn't trust myself any more than Alison did.
But I could offer her this much. "Alison, I know I wasn't there for you when you needed me most. I'm sorry for that. If you'd let me, I'd spend the rest of my life trying to make up for it. But either way, I'm never going to skip out on our baby. I'm going to be there for him or her day in, day out, no matter what. And for me, that starts right now. It starts with me moving in with you so that I can take care of both of you." I paused. "It doesn't have to be any more than that. I'm not asking you to fall in love with me. I'm not asking you to marry me, although if that's what you wanted, I’d do it." I was in dangerous territory now, and I could tell that Alison realized it by the tremble of her lips.
"The situation with Juliet…" I swallowed. "It's not what you think it is. She doesn't love me, and I sure as hell don't love her. I'm not proud of what went down between the two of us. I’ve ended things with her—I was in the middle of doing that yesterday when I got the call about you being in the hospital. I can’t change what happened before, but I can promise you my single-minded devotion to you and to our child."
The room was silent – or as silent at a hospital room can be – for several long moments. When Alison spoke again, her voice was cautious and her words measured.
"If we do this,” she began. "If we try, there needs to be a trial period. Say, a month. And at the end of the month, we can reevaluate and see if it's working. That gives us both an out. You may discover that being my live-in companion and cook isn't everything you think it will be. You might be chomping at the bit to get back to the big city and your glamorous life. And that's okay. Just promise me that no matter what, you're going to be honest with me. And I'll make you the same promise in return."
I chuckled. “Alison, I promise you, I never lived a glamorous life. Football is hard work. It's grueling. Yes, there were some perks, but I was never that guy who was going out every weekend. When Ang was alive, we were homebodies. All I ever wanted to do was just hang at home with her. After she died . . .” I ducked my head. “I didn't have any desire to go out then, either. The happiest times I've had in the years since she left me were when I helped Emma build her cabin … and the little bit of time that I had with you. That's me. Not glamorous, not a celebrity. Just me."
Alison studied me. She didn't say anything, but finally, she gave me a brief nod.
"Can you go find the nurse and see what's going on with my release?" she asked. "I'm ready to go home, Noah. Please, just take me home."
Chapter 7
Noah
Big surprise, Alison's discharge didn’t happen until mid-afternoon. It wasn't because she wasn't healthy enough to go home: no, she was more than eager to leave and feeling well enough to make her wishes known. Clearly.
But when I hunted down the nurse who was supposed to handle her discharge, the woman gave me a look of harried impatience.
“Yeah, we know she’s waiting. So are many other patients who are scheduled to go home today. Dr. Pickler was called into an emergency C-section, and we didn’t realize that he hadn’t signed all of the paperwork before he went into the OR. As soon as he’s available again, we’ll have you on your way.”
I delivered this news to Alison, expecting a bolt of fury, but she only rolled her eyes and sighed heavily.
“Typical. I’m not surprised.”
"Why don't you try to get a little bit of sleep?" I suggested. "If we've got some time, I'd like to go downstairs and make a few calls."
She raised one questioning eyebrow at me. "Got a lot of hot dates to cancel, Noah?" she asked.
Instead of denying it hotly, I treated her words like a joke. “You know it, baby. Hordes of women whose hopes and dreams I'm going to crush. That's going to take some time, you know." I circled my fingers around her foot under the covers at the end of her bed and gave a gentle shake. "I have to talk to my housekeepers and tell them that I won't need them for the foreseeable future. I want to let my coach know what's going on since we’re still negotiating my retirement. They want everything settled before the announcement is made.”
Alison’s eyes filled with sympathy. "I'm so sorry, Noah,” she murmured. “Here I am, whining, complaining, and carrying on, while that has got to be breaking your heart."
I tilted my head. "I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't hurt. I'm not going to pretend that I'm not wondering what the hell I'm going to do for the rest of my life now that football is out of the equation. But I finally came to the realization that at the end of the day, football was just a job. It was a dream, and I was one of the lucky guys who got to live it. But the fact that I can't play anymore doesn't mean my life is over. As a matter of fact, what comes next could be even better than chapter one."
She frowned at me as though she wasn’t quite sure she bought what I was saying.
"Okay." She yawned hugely and snuggled back into her pillow. “I'll close my eyes for a few minutes while you go make your calls. But fair warning: if the nurse comes in with my papers and a wheelchair, I am out of here, whether you're ready or not."
