“But I realized that avoiding the pain has a cost, too. Up until recently, I was fine with paying that cost. But now, I think I was wrong.”
“You do?” IthoughtI was following the path of Noah’s ruminations, but then again, maybe not. “Why?”
“Because I met you,” he answered simply.
“But in point of fact, you met me a couple of years ago,” I pointed out.
“True, but I didn’t get to know you then. And I was in a completely different place—if you want to know the sad truth, I’d really managed to convince myself that Angela would’ve wanted Emma and me to be with each other if she herself couldn’t be with me. It took me too long to remember that Ang always believed Emma and Deacon belonged together. The point is, though, that when I first met you, I was still grieving pretty hard—and then I was only thinking of Emma.”
I picked up my napkin and lifted it carefully to my mouth, mostly just to buy time to take in what Noah was saying. “Are you saying that’s changed now?”
“I’m saying that while I know that I’m always going to love Angela, I’m also beginning to accept that moving on is not a betrayal of that love. And I haven’t thought of Emma as anything other than my friend in a long time.” He reached for a piece of bread from the basket between us and set it on his place, breaking off a small chunk. “This isn’t me pressuring you, Alison. I’m not saying that I want to run off to Vegas, but I just thought you should know where my head is.”
“Okay. Thanks.” I reached for my wine glass only to realize it was empty.
“And in case you were wondering, that’s why hearing you say you’re not looking for anything long-term . . . disappoints me.” Noah’s words were careful, but his voice was tinged with question. “I thought this past weekend might have changed things for both of us.”
My entire mind felt as though it had been sucked into a whirlwind, and I couldn’t hold onto any one thought for long enough to know what to say. I wanted to tell Noah that he wasn’t wrong, but at the same time, the terror was still there—that fear that had convinced me to believe that love and long-term weren’t words that applied to me.
I spoke slowly, haltingly, as I answered him. “Since I dropped you off at your house on Sunday, I’ve been trying not to think too hard about last weekend.” I darted a glance up at Noah, hoping he was listening first and delaying judgement. “I haven’t done anything like that in a very long time. And by ‘that’, I mean both the sex and the fun I had with you.”
“Are you saying the sex wasn’t fun?” He was teasing me, and some of my tension ebbed.
“It was so much fun, but so muchmorethan fun, too. If I’d only had a good time, it would’ve been easier to walk away with a smile on my face, knowing we’d both gotten what we wanted. But to me, it felt like more, and that was what scared me.”
“Yeah, I understand that. I had those same thoughts.”
“Right.” I nodded. “So I was afraid if I gave it too much meaning, I’d get broody, and then I’d convince myself that seeing you again was too risky for me, and that would be the end of it.” I paused. “Then, of course, I didn’t know what you thought about last weekend, either.” With a small shrug, I added, “My head can be a chaotic, scary place. There was lots of avoidance going on along with some risk assessment.”
“Ah.” He grinned, popping the last piece of his bread into his mouth. “And just how did I come out in this risk assessment? Am I a potential hazard, or have you deemed me safe?”
“Oh, Noah. You are definitelynotthe safe option.” I wagged my head. “Not for me. That’s what makes this whole thing so scary. You just might be my kryptonite.”
All of the humor in his expression fled, replaced by something that looked strangely like joy. “Seriously? You’re not just saying that because I’m injured and going through a rough time?”
I laughed. “Most definitely not. It didn’t even cross my mind.” I lowered my voice, shifting forward a little. “I probably shouldn’t say this, Noah, because you’ll know just how much power you have over me already . . . but I’m honest to a fault. I’ll always tell you the truth. And that truth is that you’re the first man in forever who could make me even think about being brave again.”
He reached for my hand again, and when he spoke, I heard the deep emotion in his tone. “I want you to be brave with me, Alison. I don’t know what this is between us, but I don’t want to let it go before we can find out if it’s . . . something big. I want to spend more time with you. And if you’re willing to keep an open mind about the future, so am I.”
My heart was in my throat, but I managed to nod. “I think I can do that. I can be brave as long as I’m not being brave by myself. So if you change your mind, I need you to tell me. If this—” I pointed to myself and then to Noah—“if it becomes too overwhelming, too risky, please be honest. I promise I’ll do the same.”
“I will.” He used his thumb to draw small circles on my palm, making me shiver. “Will you come home with me tonight, Alison? Will you spend the night at my house, in my bed?”
My breath caught. “Do you think that’s a good idea? I mean, I want to, but will it cloud our decision-making process as we try to figure out if we’re good for each other?”
“If it does, I’m okay with having a cloudy mind.” He winked at me. “But I don’t think sex confuses me. If anything, I feel like my mind is clearer after a few orgasms.”
“Well, in that case, it would be wrong of usnotto do it,” I nodded. “Good point.” I scooted up a little so that Noah could hear me as I whispered, “And in the interest of full disclosure, I feel you should know that I’m wearing absolutely nothing under this dress.”
His eyes widened, and I saw his throat bob as he swallowed and lifted one hand to get the server’s attention.
“Check, please!”
* * *
“That was just cruel.”
Sitting in the passenger seat, Noah glowered at me.
