“Wait a second—you’re doing the work yourself?” Noah looked impressed, and I was ridiculously glad.
“Well, I’m doing the cosmetic work. I’m leaving the electrical and plumbing jobs to the professionals, because I don’t want to be electrocuted or flooded. And if there’s something structural, I bring in an expert. I don’t want my house falling down around my ears, either.”
“That’s so cool.” Noah took a sip of his water. “Have you done anything like this before?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I’ve never owned a house. But when I moved to Bayerton, there weren’t a ton of new houses for me to consider. The real estate agent only showed me this one because I insisted, but she said it was a wreck. It kind of is—or was—but I could see the potential. So I had someone come in and take a look, give me an estimate for how much it might take to bring the house back to life, and I could live with that number. I decided to do it myself because this is my house. I want to live here for the rest of my life. And I want a sense of having made it exactly what I want.”
He crossed his arms and regarded me with eyes I couldn’t read. “Alison, you’re incredible. Taking on that kind of job by yourself—I mean, I have no doubt at all that you can handle it, but not many people would want to bother. But I understand what you mean. My grandparents live in a house that they’d built themselves when they were newlyweds, and even now, Gramps talks about the night he finished this corner or the weekend they finished that porch. The place is part of their marriage, their lives together.”
I nodded. “Exactly. I figured . . . well, when I took the job there, I sort of decided it was my last move. I didn’t want to rent a house or condo—they all seemed so soulless, you know? And this one just spoke to me.” I smiled in self-deprecating humor. “Apparently, it saidhome. It should also have said,I’m going to make you work for every square inch of happiness you find in me.”
“You really think you’ll stay in Bayerton for good?” Noah asked.
“Unless something very unexpected happens. It’s a good fit for me—the job, the town, the house. And I’m close enough to Harper Springs that I can still see my friends there occasionally. Darcy lives near Tampa, so it’s not difficult to meet up with her, either.” I was quiet for a second, drawing invisible designs on the white linen tablecloth with the tip of my finger. “I came to a sort of acceptance while I was working in Harper Springs. I realized that I’d been giving everything to my career until I started dating Tom, and then I did again after he was killed. For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me because of that. But I decided when I moved here that being committed to medicine is just who I am. I’m not cut out for marriage or kids. I’ve accepted that I’m going to be on my own for the rest of my life, so there’s nothing wrong with giving my all to my job.”
Noah frowned, a small ridge rising between his eyebrows. “You don’t think you’ll ever get married? Or even have a serious relationship where marriage and kids might be on the table at some point?”
My eyes flickered up to his. “I . . . well, I guess I decided it just wasn’t in the cards for me. It feels like every time I’m on the verge of something positive and good, it’s torn away from me. And now that I’m saying this aloud to you, I sound absolutely pitiful. Just—please forget I said that. Pretend I said that I’m hopelessly independent . . . oh, and too much woman to settle down with one man.” I attempted a smile.
But Noah’s expression remained serious. “Were you in a lot of other serious relationships before you met Tom?”
I shook my head. “No. He was the first. I had a couple of casual boyfriends in college, and lots of friends with benefits in med school, but nothing that lasted beyond a few months.”
“So you had one experience—admittedly tragic, and I’m not trying to take away from that truth—and you decide that you’re just not fated for love?”
I tilted my head. “I wasn’t just talking about romantic relationships. Let me refer you back to my childhood and teenage years. Nothing ended well for me. After a while, you stop thinking it must just be a fluke and accept that you’re not meant for happy endings.”
“But that’s not true.” Noah leaned up, resting his elbows on the edge of the table. His light blue eyes drilled into mine. “Because youhaveknown some happy—well, maybe not endings, but maybe endings are overrated. My point is, you stood on that bridge in San Francisco . . . but you didn’t jump. You ended up in the hospital on the psych floor, but you knew someone there, and he helped you get the treatment you needed. And you told me about the two women who were your foster mothers when you were in high school—I know what happened with them was sad, but still, you had them in your life for a while. They encouraged you. Even if you don’t believe it, I bet they loved you, Alison. It sure sounded like it to me.”
To my shock, tears welled in my eyes. “I think they did,” I admitted. “Which made losing them even harder.”
He reached across to take my hand. “I’m sure. I can’t even imagine. I told you before that I think you’re extraordinarily strong. That hasn’t changed. But I also wonder if maybe this decision you’ve made about marriage isn’t slightly . . . premature and based on some faulty premises.”
I twisted my hand so that my fingers laced with his. “Are you sure you weren’t lying about being the top of your class? That’s some fancy word work there.”
“Lying . . .?” He squinted as if trying to figure out what I meant, and then his face cleared. “Oh, the hospital. Two lies and a truth. Yeah, I wish that wasn’t a lie, but even my fancy word work didn’t get me in the top ten percent. But I try to be the exception to the rule when it comes to dumb athletes.”
“You’re definitely not dumb. I don’t know many football players, but the two I have met—you and Jackson—tell me that the stereotype is a joke.”
“You’d be mostly right. I’m acquainted with a few idiots, but this career can be complicated. You can’t be an idiot and survive.” He waved the hand that wasn’t holding tightly onto mine. “That’s neither here nor there, and stop trying to divert me. You heard what I said a minute ago.”
I expelled a soft breath. “I did.”
“And are you afraid I’m right or worried about destroying my fragile male ego by saying I’m wrong?”
“I . . .” I lapsed into momentary silence. “Noah, didn’t you tell me that when Emma pestered you about letting her fix you up, you told her that you aren’t interested in dating or getting serious with anyone again? You had one great love, and that was all you needed?”
He scowled at me. “This isn’t about me, and good God, does she tell you everything?”
One side of my mouth curled up. “She didn’t tell me that. You did.”
“Aw, hell.” Noah released my hand and eased back. “So that means I have some pretty fast back-peddling to do, doesn’t it?”
My smile fell away. “What do you mean?”
Noah picked up his wine and took a healthy drink, his eyes never leaving mine. “I mean that you’re right, that’s how I’ve felt for quite a while. Emma pointed out to me at the end of our very short dating relationship that I was jumping into something new in an effort to find my way back to comfort. She was on target about that. I hated it, but she was. I took some time to think about what I wanted next, and it didn’t take long to figure out that I didn’t want to go through the kind of pain I was dealt when Ang died—not ever again. The easy way to make sure that doesn’t happen is to avoid relationships.”
“Exactly,” I agreed. “Who needs that pain?”
