“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” She traced one finger around the handle of her cup. “Listen, Leo. I want to talk to you about something before you go back to Richmond.”
“Hmmm?” I had no idea what this ‘talk’ was going to entail, but it didn’t sound like something I wanted to do when I was hungover and barely awake.
“About Quinn. About ... what you’re planning to do about Quinn.”
Awesome. This was definitely not the discussion I wanted to have with my mother, and most assuredly not now. “I don’t know what you mean. I’m not planning to do anythingaboutQuinn.”
“You know what I mean, son. Cut the bullshit.” My mother hadn’t raised three snarky, headstrong sons by being a wimp. Sometimes I forgot how tough she could be. “You’ve been panting after that girl since you were in junior high. You’ve gotten together twice, and neither time did it end well. I see how you look at her, still. I know it nearly killed you to see her marry Nate. Well, now he’s out of the picture, in a permanent way. And I can see in your eyes that you want her.”
I swallowed. “Yeah, well ... we can’t always get what we want. Remember that Rolling Stones song you used to play all the time when Simon, Danny and I were little? It stuck. I get it.”
“Maybe it did, and maybe it didn’t. Leo, honey, you know I love Quinn. She’s like a daughter to me, just as Nate was like another son. I think you’re never happier, either of you, than when you’re together. You both light up the world. But ...” She hesitated. “I want you to think carefully before you jump into anything. Quinn’s been through a lot. She needs some time, and I’m afraid if you swoop in on her now, you’ll both end up hurt. I don’t want to see that.”
“I know.” I rubbed my jaw. “Why do you think I’m leaving for Richmond this morning? I knew if I stayed up here any longer, I’d be ... tempted. And I promised Nate ...” My voice trailed off. I wasn’t sure how comfortable I was telling my mother about that conversation.
“What did you promise Nate?” She was cupping her hands over the mug, absorbing the warmth.
I took a deep breath. “Nate said that if I wanted to give Quinn and me a fighting chance of sticking this time, I need to give her a little time to find herself. He said she’s always lived in relation to him and to me, and she has to have the space to see who she is on her own.”
“Huh.” Mom nodded. “That boy was even smarter than I gave him credit for. Damn. That was pretty much what I was going to say.” She smiled a little, her eyes misty. “Okay, then. You’re going to listen to both your late best friend and your mother, right? Give her some room. No rushing into anything.”
“Yeah.” I pushed the coffee away. The smell was suddenly making me queasy. “But it’s not easy, Mom. Quinn ... the way she looked at me yesterday, I can tell she’s wondering what comes next for us. How do I keep that balance between being her friend and not letting it go any further? And when is enough time? I mean, is it something I can put on the calendar? Like, if I can make it six months without us hooking up, that’s long enough and I can go for it? Or longer than that? Because I’ll tell you—right now, this feels wrong. It feels like I should be staying as close as possible to her, making sure she’s all right. Making sure she’s not alone or hurting or sad.”
“You want to protect her, and I love that about you, honey. But you can’t. Remember the summer after Bill died? You asked me what you could do to make Quinn feel better after she’d lost her dad. And I told you that you had to let her go through it.” She lifted one shoulder. “This is not that different. Quinn has got to move through it and know that she is capable of standing on her own two feet. She’s got to realize that she’s strong, and tougher than she thinks she is. If you try to rescue her, she’ll never have that confidence. I have to agree with Nate. You and Quinn burn bright, but you’ve never yet burned long. I don’t want to see you hurt again, either of you. This time, it’s got to stick, or that’s it. And your best chance of that happening is letting Quinn discover her own strong core.”
“Easy for you,” I grumbled. “You’re not the one who feels like his heart is being torn in two. And you’re not the one who’s got to wait, again. God, I’m fucking sick of sitting around, waiting for my life to start.”
Mom didn’t ding me for language, and I figured it was mostly because we were alone and because she understood that I was speaking out of pain. Reaching over to me, she covered my hand where it rested on the table.
“Your life is going pretty well so far, Leo. You’re playing a game you’re passionate about, and that’s something most of the world’s population can only dream about. You like your life down in Richmond. You’re not exactly in limbo, son.”
“When you look at it from a professional point of view, you’re right, of course. I love what I do. I know I’m damn lucky. But none of that means shit without Quinn. She’s why I do everything, Mom. She’s the reason for it all. If I can’t have her, I might as well give it all up.” I curled my fingers into a tight fist. “And I’m tired of being patient. Tired of biding my time.”
My mother studied me in silence for a few minutes. “I know, baby. I know. But ... be patient just a little while longer. I have a strong feeling that in the end, it’s all going to be worth it. Trust me.”
