Full of Graceby Sarah McLachlan
“Honey, do you have a minute?” My mother spoke at the same time as she rapped softly on my half-open door, her anxious eyes seeking me.
I rolled over on my bed, fighting the temptation to answer her sarcastically.Sure, I have a minute, as long as it doesn’t interrupt my rigorous napping schedule.Over the past two weeks, since I’d moved back home, napping made up the majority of my days. I slept late, went to bed early, and in between those two brackets, I drifted off into oblivion as often as I could.
My mom made me leave the house every now and again, taking me out to lunch or dinner or even just to the grocery store. I could see the worry on her face whenever she looked at me, and I hated that I put it there. But I couldn’t seem to force myself to do anything to alleviate it.
Mark and Sheri had left town almost right after Nate’s funeral. On the advice of several grief counselors and friends, they had taken an extended trip to Hawaii.
“We need to get away from it all.” Sheri had looked a little guilty as she’d tried to explain it to me. “We need some time to mourn Nate, and we need to see what the rest of our lives are going to look like.” She’d sighed, rubbing her forehead. “For over twenty years, we’ve defined ourselves as the parents of a medically-fragile child. Now that we’re not that anymore, Mark and I want to make sure we don’t drift apart. We want to be intentional about moving forward.”
I’d hugged her and told her that the trip was a wonderful idea, even while I resented them both for being able to escape their sorrow. It wasn’t true, of course; the grief over losing Nate would go along with them, but at least they wouldn’t have to be in the same town, with people who stared at them or avoided them altogether.
My mother was watching me, a frown on her face as she stood in the doorway. I wondered if this was another attempt to make me leave the house, another idea in the bring-Quinn-back-to-life campaign.
“Sure.” I answered her question finally. “For you, I have all the minutes in the world.”
Smiling a little, she came in to sit on the end of my bed. “Honey, I wanted to talk to you about something. I’ve been putting it off, hoping there’d be a good time, but ...” She shrugged, glancing around the room. “It doesn’t seem like there will be.”
“What’s up?” I sat up slowly, hugging my knees to my chest and wrapping the quilt around my back. “Are you okay?”
“Oh, sure. I just ...” She fidgeted a little, playing with a thread from my blanket. “I don’t know really how to say this except to come right out.” She took a deep breath. “Last summer, after you and Nate, um, got married, I kind of met someone.”
“You met someone?” The words didn’t make sense to me. They didn’t compute.
“Yes. Or ... it was more like, I started seeing someone.” She swallowed. “His name is Shane. I’ve known him for years. He owns the dry cleaners.”
“The dry cleaners.” I’d been reduced to repeating what she’d said.
“His wife died of cancer about eight years ago. Your dad knew him—I remember we used to talk about how sad it was and how amazing Shane was with her. He took care of her.” Mom’s lips pressed together. “Anyway, I went in there right after you moved in with Mark and Sheri, and Shane and I got talking ... at first it was just eating together, dinner now and then. And then, I guess ... I don’t know. It was, um, more.”
“More.” Yeah, that was about all I could say at this point.
“The thing is, I know it’s sudden. Or it seems like it is, to you. But this whole time that you’ve been living down at the shore, I’ve been getting to know Shane better. And, uh ...” Her cheeks pinked a little. “I just wanted to know if you’ve been thinking about what you want to do. You know, when you’re going back to work and—”
“When I’m going to move out of the house and give you back your privacy?” I recovered the power of speech, and it came complete with a bitter tone.
“No, of course not.” My mother’s eyes flashed, reproving and shocked. “Quinn, you know I only want what’s best for you. I understand the last few years have been rough, and losing Nate ... I can’t imagine what you must be feeling right now. But sweetie, you’re not dead. I’m not trying to be cruel, but you’re alive, and you’re young.”
“I know I am. I’m just ... I’m not giving up on life, Mom. I’m just taking a little time to recover from a very stressful six months. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I’m sorry if I’m not moving along on the timeline that works for you.”
“Quinn, my God. You know that’s not what I mean.” She had the good grace to sound at little guilty at least. “But I wouldn’t be a very good mother if I let you wallow forever.”
“But if it wasn’t forShanethe dry cleaner, would you be so quick to push me along?” I crossed my arms over my chest. I could hear my own voice, and I knew I was being childish. But I didn’t have the emotional reserves right now to deal with this. I wasn’t ready to be mature and understanding. For God’s sake, I only wanted one thing to stay the same, just for a little while. Was that asking too much?
“Maybe not. Maybe I wouldn’t be bringing this up now. But the truth is that I’m ready to make some decisions, Quinn, and you’re going to be affected by them.”
“Are you getting married again?” I ground out the words.
My mom shook her head. “We haven’t made any plans to do that. But both Shane and I are sensitive to the fact that life is short, and we don’t want to waste any time. If we didn’t know that before, we’ve learned the lesson from Shane’s wife, your dad and Nate.” She paused for a beat. “Shane’s son is taking over the dry cleaners, and Shane’s going to retire. We want to travel, Quinn. I have freedom with my job, and even if I cut back a little on my work hours, I’ll be fine financially.” She raised her eyes to mine. “I’m going to sell the house.”
I’d known it was coming. Deep down, I’d been waiting for my mother to tell me this for a long time, even before thisShaneguy had come onto the scene. The house was big, and I hadn’t lived here for years. Even over summers in college, I’d ended up either down at the shore ... or with Leo, during those bittersweet months we’d lived together down in Carolina. It had been four years since this had really been my home. Still ... I wasn’t ready to give it up.
“And just where am I supposed to go?” I hated the shrill note I heard in my words.
Mom raised one eyebrow. “That’s what I came in here to talk to you about. Quinn, you’re an adult. You’re nearly twenty-three. You’re a college graduate. You’ve been married. You can’t hide out here forever. You have options, lots of them. There’s Zelda or Gia—I know both of them would love to have you as a roommate. Or get your own place.”
I bit the side of my lip. “What about the house at the shore?”
