“Then what? That’s it?”
I thought I was going to die. I thought I was going to have a heart attack the way my heart seemed to have joined in the trembling. “Yes. That’s it.” My voice was raspy, and it cracked, too. I thought I might crack.
He stood and stalked away, his chest bare. He ran a hand through his hair. “You’re not staying here in Kalulell. You don’t want me to move to Oregon. We’re going to be together for a couple weeks, then you’re gone shortly after New Year’s, right? Your mom will be healthy and back to running the show.”
“Yes,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry, Logan. I know I’ve hurt you. I did not want to hurt you.” I wrapped my arms around my legs and tried to will them to stop shaking.
“Hurt me?” He was so mad, but I saw the shimmering tears. “Yes, you’ve hurt me, but I allowed it. I couldn’t resist you. That’s what it comes down to.” He threw his arms out at his sides in frustration. I wanted those strong arms around me. “I don’t get it. I never did and never will.”
Hecouldn’tget it. He didn’t know the truth.
“Logan, you are the best man I have ever known.” The best man I would ever know. I knew I would never love any man like I loved Logan. I was in love with Logan during my marriage.My whole marriage.
Logan stared at me, then he closed his eyes for long seconds. “What you want is a few weeks of sex for Christmas with an old boyfriend, right?”
“That’s not what I want.”
“Yes,” he snapped. “That is clearly what you want. I’m a grown man, and I walked straight into this, and now that you’re here, I don’t think I can walk out of it. You’re going to have to do the walking.”
“I am so sorry. We’ll end…this. I shouldn’t have done this. I should have known better. Let’s break this off. I’m sorry,” I said again. I got up, pulled on my jeans, grabbed my purse, and walked to the door, even though my legs were wobbly.
“So, we’re done, again, right, Bellini?”
I nodded, even though I felt like screaming.
He swore, and I tried as hard as I could not to run over and hug him, hold him, and tell him the truth about what Drake had done. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, that I’d always loved him, that I would always love him, but why confuse everything even more? It would make no sense to him.
“Goodbye, Bellini,” he said, and I froze. He never wanted me to say “goodbye” to him. He had already told me to say, “see you later.”
I couldn’t speak for long, utterly miserable seconds because all my tears were lodged in my throat, combined with the same black, looming depression that had hung over me for years after we first broke up.
“Bye, Logan.”
He let loose a string of swear words, not at me, but because he was aching and angry and upset, and our worlds had crashed together again and splintered apart.
It was snowing, light and fluffy, when I climbed into my truck. I drove to the end of the block, then pulled over and cried until my ribs hurt and my throat was raw.
33
Logan
Logan watched from his windows to make sure that Bellini got in her truck safely. He saw her drive off. He lay down on the rug in front of his fireplace and waited until the tears stopped streaming out of his eyes. Why had she broken up with him again? Why had she even gotten back together with him? Had she simply wanted a Christmas romance? She had seemed happy with him. They were happy together…again. Was he simply in total denial of the situation? Was he delusional for thinking they could make things work? He had always felt like she wasn’t telling him something. He felt it this time, too. But what? What was it?
He waited a long time for the tears to stop rolling. His eyes burned. He hadn’t cried this hard in years—since Bellini had left him the first time around. He told himself to buck up.Be a man. Stop crying.
Eventually, he did, and what was left was the cold loneliness and hopelessness that had stalked his life ever since Bellini left him the first time.
34
Bellini
Our final dance class with Mrs. Kerns was tense. I arrived early and waited for Logan to arrive in his truck.
“Hi, Logan,” I said.
“Bellini,” he said, nodding. “Ready?”
I nodded. He looked exhausted. He looked how I felt. I had hardly slept. I had hardly been able to eat. I was working long hours because the bar was a whirlwind of work, and the burlesque show was, too. I was also figuring out, with a large team of people, which kids needed which gifts, like clothes and shoes, so we would be able to take the money that was donated/earned at the burlesque show, and go right out to buy, wrap, and deliver the gifts. No kid could be forgotten. All the new coats, mittens, and hats that were donated to the bar needed to be gifted away, too – and we had collected dozens.
