“We’re reading the same book,” he went on, “which is also what we used to do. It’s the same relationship and totally different, too. But if you don’t want to tell me why you’re leaving me again, okay.”
But it wasn’t okay, and I could hear it in his tone. He was right. He was so right. I had never been able to give him the true explanation as to why I’d broken up with him. I’d tried to sound honest with my excuses, but he’d never bought any of them. He was too smart, our relationship too deep. I was—I am—a terrible liar.
“I’m sorry, I…” I thought of his mom, her land, that old log cabin. It was home to Logan and the place that was filled with memories of his mom. He couldn’t lose it. “I have a life in Oregon. I can’t live here. I know my mom wants me to run the bar, but I don’t want to. I almost lived in that bar for my entire childhood. And yes, I do feel guilty all the time for feeling that way and not wanting to work there.”
“Tell her you don’t want to work in it. Tell her no. She’s a very reasonable person, and she’ll understand.”
I shook my head.
“That’s not the reason you’re not living here, Bellini, and we both know it.” His voice got a harder edge, and I didn’t blame him.
I buried my face in my hands. No, that wasn’t the reason I couldn’t live here—if I had to, I could tell Mom I didn’t wantto run the bar, and she’d understand—but even after all these years, I couldn’t be truthful with him. “I like my quiet life in Oregon, in my cottage, writing my books. I like traveling to the schools and sharing my books with the kids, and then I come home to a quiet place. I like the…routine.”
“Bellini.” His voice was low and tight. “Are you ever going to tell me why you broke up with me?”
“I didn’t think we had a future.” My words, every one of them, sounded like a lie because they were. All lies.
“I don’t believe that. I didn’t believe it then, and I don’t now.”
“I know.”
“We could have a future if you wanted one.”
“Do you want one?” I whispered. I swear my insides twisted.
“I always have.”
I wanted to cry. Instead, I put my arms around him and hugged him, and he hugged me back. Maybe I should tell him. I knew he would believe me. But I couldn’t. The repercussions were severe and would rip his heart out. He would have to choose. I couldn’t make him do that. I heard Drake’s words ringing in my ears like knife blades.
“I’ll tell him that he can have you or the land. Not both. Even if he chooses you, it’ll grate on him for the rest of his life, seeing condominiums, maybe a golf course. He’ll feel the loss forever. It’ll kill him knowing he won’t have his mother’s land, the land her parents and grandparents owned, his legacy. Eventually, one way or another, he’ll regret the decision he made to be with you over the land. You’ll lose.”
“I want to be clear with you, honey,” Logan said. “I don’t know why you broke up with me before. I don’t know why you’re leaving me again. I will always wonder. But I want to put all my cards on the table. If you want, I will move to Oregon.”
“You will?” My voice tilted up in hope.
“Yes. In a heartbeat.”
“But your dad, your mother’s land, her house.”
“My dad is a despicable man. I feel obligated to take care of him when he’s having these health issues, check in on him, but I am not going to give you up for him. I would never do that. I will continue to pay people to go and see him and take care of him. I will probably have to pay double the cost, as he’s so obnoxious. As far as my mother, I know she would want me to be happy most of all. And if that happiness means that I leave Montana and move to Oregon, that I leave her family’s land, she would be all for it. If you want me to move to Oregon, I’ll call a moving van in January, and we’ll head out together.”
I was filled with this serene, exciting scene of Logan and me. I saw him in my little cottage, Honeysuckle Pink, in my bed, in my life. He would open up another architectural firm. He would do well. He’d love Oregon and my property, the sunrises and sunsets and my four cats all over the place. Knowing that Logan was there in my cottage would make me so happy, so utterly, completely happy. I could feel my face lighting up as I envisioned that life.
But.
He would have nowhere in Montana to return to. I knew vengeful Drake. Vindictive Drake. In a rage, he would sell off that property so fast Logan wouldn’t even have time to argue with his dad or try to buy it himself. Drake had been very clear about his intentions. Logan would be enraged, but underneath, it would be a lifelong loss. He would always miss that land. The bitterness would only grow.
“Logan…” I started to cry, hugging him tight.
“Bellini,” he whispered. “Don’t cry. Please.” He kissed the top of my head. “I knew when you returned for Christmas that I should avoid you, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted to see you, to talk to you. I was hoping that everything I felt for you years ago would be gone. It had been a long time. I washoping I’d see you, and we could be friends, talk, and then go our separate ways. I would go on with my life and be happy you were in it for as long as you were. I was hoping that I would feel nothing for you except friendship and caring that you were well, but it didn’t work out like that.
“I saw you, sweetheart, and it was like I was hit in the chest. Again. You were—youaremore beautiful, inside and outside, than ever. And in the bar that night breaking up a fight? You were fiery and brave and daring, and I was lost. Dancing with you, talking with you about books and everything else under the sun, being at the hot springs, I knew it would hurt when you left again, but I took the chance anyhow.”
“We shouldn’t have done this.” My body started to shake. I had loved Logan to the core of my being, then I’d lost him, and I’d seriously wondered if I wanted to live. I came home, we got back together, and I was going to lose him. Again. I felt an overwhelming sense of loss and loneliness. Why had I done this to Logan? I loved him. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I couldn’t resist him. I was a selfish, stupid, greedy person. He did not deserve this.
“I know why I wanted to be with you, Bellini, but what did you want? A Christmas romance? A fling with an old boyfriend? Are you rebounding from someone else?”
“No.” I tried to stop shaking. “I wasn’t looking for a Christmas romance, or a fling, and I’m not rebounding from anyone. If you don’t want to see me again, I understand. There’s a week until the burlesque show. We can manage until then. We have two more practices, and then…”
