Sitting on the wooden bench inside the pavilion, I struggled to take in the beauty around me. I couldn’t get out of my head.
All weekend, I’d tried to pinpoint when my relationship with Elijah had changed. When did he start to act like this? When did I allow him to control me? It didn’t seem to be specific, but a change that had happened over months or even years.
Now, we were turning into two completely different people than when we’d first gotten together in college.
I had finally taken off my rose-colored glasses.
He was changing into someone I didn’t recognize, and I was not a big fan of the new Elijah.
I’d sent Blake a text this morning telling her I wouldn’t be able to come to the funeral, and the entire time, the words I wrote felt like a betrayal to myself. But the only reason I even said those things was because I wanted to make Elijah happy.
But why was I working so hard to keep our relationship strong when he obviously couldn’t care less?
It made me feel claustrophobic. I was suffocating from worrying that I would upset him by doing the tiniest thing that would trigger him into one of his moods.
I never wanted to fight with him, so I’d let it go and was ‘the bigger person’. Only to never stand up for myself when it happened again. Little by little, I handed over pieces of myself just so I fitinto his world.
And frankly, I was tired of feeling like this.
It was exhausting.
What was I doing with my life? Was I even happy?
But there wasn’t anyone who could answer those questions beside me.
I had to find out if this was what I truly wanted.
Because the future I saw for myself as a child was a far cry from what it was now.
I placed my elbows on my knees and felt the tingling sensation in my nose as tears threatened to escape from my eyes.
I needed to get back inside, but not feeling like this. I had to piece my cracked mask back together before facing my coworkers.
I had to save face…
The icing on the cake was that I still felt isolated despite being surrounded by people.
This was one of those rare moments when my brain took me down depression avenue and I felt desperately and truly alone. I couldn’t talk this out with anyone. Yes, my friends and family loved and supported me, but there was no doubt in my mind that they would judge me for putting up with Elijah’s shitty attitude for so long. Even though I knew deep down he was the man I fell in love with, I just couldn’t see him anymore.
And I didn’t know if I ever would.
I closed my eyes and rubbed my fingers along my forehead with more force than was necessary. But my body vibrated from the turmoil running through my veins, and the pressure helped release some of that tightness.
No. I wouldn’t sit here and feel sorry for myself. I wasn’t that girl.
I stood, pushing my shoulders back, chin held high.
There was a solution for me.
I just had to find it.
I’d thought about it the rest of the afternoon.
I left the office after finishing up with the compliance inspector, who planned to dig through more of my documents tomorrow. I drove straight to the grocery store to pick up ingredients for Elijah’s favorite meal.
I cooked him an excellent dinner to welcome him home after his long day at work. I wanted him to be instantly at ease and unwind, so I bought a bottle of red wine and lit a pumpkin spice candle.
It was fall, after all.
