I roll my eyes and turn away so she doesn’t see the tears form in them. “It’s possible you’re right, and I cared more than I realized.” I still care. No matter how much my rational brain doesn’t want him around, my heart wants him back so much it hurts. “Damn it. I’m in love with the idiot.”
Oops, I didn’t mean to say that out loud. But it feels like the most honest thing I’ve said to anyone, especially myself, in weeks.
“I know.” She wraps an arm around my shoulders and gives me a squeeze. Then she walks away, like she knows I’m on the verge of tears and a longer hug will release them. She definitely knows how much I hate crying.
“But he’s not the right guy for me,” I say, though it feels like a lie. I’m just so fucking scared of him hurting me like this again.
I swipe at my eyes and focus on Ellery’s books. This is supposed to be a distraction.
Lately, nothing has been a big enough distraction to keep me from thinking about Deacon.
“And how do you feel about a relationship?” Ellery asks, seemingly intent on not letting me be distracted. “Maybe not with Deacon, but with someone else?”
“I have literally no time, Ell. I’m going to be in school and spending every spare minute with Harper. No man is going to put up with that kind of schedule.”
“I think Deacon was good for you,” Ellery says. “Don’t write off the possibility of a relationship too quickly.”
I huff in frustration. “Was I really so terrible without a man in my life?”
Ellery drops the book she’s holding with a loud thud and scoots across the floor on her butt to hug me again. “Not terrible at all. Plenty of people are perfectly happy being single. Take me, for example.”
I snort. “You are pretty much perfect.”
She lets me go and sits back. “It’s just that you seemed different with Deacon. Lighter. Quicker to laugh. Maybe romance is something that brightens your life. That doesn’t mean who you are without it isn’t amazingly awesome, but why not have what you want?” She studies my face. “And I think, when you’re honest with yourself, you really do want a happily ever after.”
My stupid eyes burn like I’m going to cry. A-fucking-gain. “Maybe.”
She rubs my back. So wonderfully comforting. “It doesn’t make you weaker to admit that. Anymore than it makes you weak to admit that as much as you want it, you’re afraid of it.”
I nod, feeling uncomfortably bare. I wouldn’t admit this to anyone but my best friend and soulmate. “Bryson shattered my heart when he left. And what I’m feeling now with Deacon, it’s worse. I don’t want to go through this again.”
“Was the time you had with Bryson worth the heartbreak?”
I stare at my best friend, gobsmacked. I’ve never thought of it that way before. “He was my best friend, and we had so much fun together before things went bad. And we got Harper out of it, so… I guess…”
“If you could erase that heartbreak and keep Harper, but you also had to forget every good moment you had with Bryson, would you do it?”
I don’t even have to think about that answer. “No.”
Ellery nods. She’s so damn wise. “So maybe another love affair is also worth the risk.”
My world feels turned on its edge, off-kilter, like I’m looking at it through a new lens. “How’d you get so smart?”
Ellery picks up a book and puts it on the romance pile. “Extensive reading.”
We spend the rest of the morning organizing her shelves, laughing, and chatting. We end up stopping to discuss so manyof the books that it feels more like a fun book club meeting than work.
“Okay,” Ellery says, when we’re about two-thirds of the way finished. “I’m starving. Time for lunch.”
“Can I meet you there? I want to stop by the house and make sure Harper didn’t shut Marmalade in her room when she and Bryson left for the day.”
Ellery, who never seems anything but sure and confident, goes oddly pale. “I’m sure he’s fine. We can check on him after lunch.”
She’s definitely up to something. “I’m not going to be able to eat as long as I’m worried about him. Where do you want to have lunch?”
“I’ll drive you over,” Ellery says. “That way I won’t get to the restaurant before you and be halfway through my meal before you get there.”
“It’s not going to take me that long.”
