I breathe her in, breaking inside because there’s no way I can afford an RV with everything else going on with my family.
Samantha’s phone pings. She pulls away and looks at the screen, her grin widening from ear to ear.
“Well, I was going to seduce you, but I have something super important to contend with.”
“You little tease.”
She rolls her eyes. “I promise, when this is all handled, you’re going to thank me.”
“Am I?”
“Oh, yeah!”
She flees back to the bus, and I’m left in a state of such agony, that it takes everything I have to keep moving and not give up.
The rest of the day passes in a haze. Fortunately, I perform my routine on autopilot, and the fans are none the wiser, but long after the show is over and the crowd has left, I sit alone in the VIP area, unsure of what to do.
My life has become an unsolvable puzzle. In order for me to fulfill one commitment, I have to fail at another. And there isn’t a single burden I can afford to give up on.
I should be back at the bus, spending time with Samantha. But I can’t bring myself to face her. Not after how the sorry state my life is in.
“What’s on your mind?” Armando's voice echoes through the dark room.
“Nothing good.”
“Hit me.”
“It’s just…I don’t know if I can do this.”
“The Hunks?”
“Fatherhood.” I take a deep breath and say out loud what I am so afraid to admit to myself. “I want to be a father more than anything, but maybe I’m just not meant to be one.”
“It’s a little late to be thinking that now.”
“I’m in debt. It could very well be over seven figures when the last of my momma’s medical bills come. My sister is struggling, and I refuse to let her and my nieces go without, and now, there’s a baby to think about.”
He pulls up a chair and sits facing me. “Did your mom really rack up a seven-figure debt?”
“Looks like it, and she’s in no position to pay it. How the hell am I supposed to be a father when I can barely afford child support?”
“The bills aren’t in your name, are they?”
“No, but it doesn’t matter. If my momma falls delinquent on medical bills, I worry about what treatment she’ll receive in the future, when she needs it.”
Armando nods. “You said Samantha makes enough on her own.”
“That’s bullshit. The baby is my responsibility too. I was supposed to take care of them, but how can I do that on the road? I don’t have a home. A place to land. I thought I could get a fancy RV and lure Samantha into living out of it with me, but now, after going over my bills, I can’t even afford a car.”
“You think that’s what would make you a good dad? A nice RV?”
“It’s a place I could take the baby to on the weekends because I can’t very well bring them onto the bus. My life is just too fucking chaotic. I feel like I don’t deserve to be a father.”
“Let me tell you something: I’ve never met my dad, but I know where he is, and I have no desire to seek him out.”
“Why’s that?”
“I was put in the foster system when I was three. My parents were young and made bad choices. They never fought for me or tried to redeem themselves. They were never my family. I know you, Tox, and I promise you will never be like my dad, so stop thinking that you are.”
