I gather myself and stand to my full height, and despite her being on the stairs, she’s still shorter than me, and I kind of love it. She stares at me, and I watch the pulse in her neck and the way her breathing is faster, wondering if maybe she’s feeling the same way I am. Not wanting to push my luck too early, knowing I still have a couple weeks until we head back to the city, I take a step back and give her space.
A mixed emotion flickers in her eyes before she swallows, and I ask, “Want to take a look at the tree?”
She smiles and nods. I move to the side, allowing her to pass me into the living room to get a good look at the finished tree. She silently walks up to it, taking it in, running her hands over branches, sticking her nose in it, before she steps back and staresat it. The smile on her face is genuine and the biggest one I’ve seen on her since we got here.
She wraps her arms around herself, and I wish I could walk behind her and wrap her in mine. I wish I had the freedom to touch her that way, to hold her as we take in the tree we decorated together, but I can’t. I settle for sitting on the couch and watching her. The way her eyes slowly glide over the tree, starting at the top and making their way down, finding each ornament before she continues.
I could sit and watch her all day. She manages to capture my attention with the most minor things, and I’m done fighting it and looking away. I’m going to openly stare and get every last look I can, while I can.
She turns to me, and a blush stains her cheeks when she notices me watching her.
“What do you think?” I ask.
“It’s everything I wanted.”
I pat the spot beside me, and she sits, pulling her legs to her chest as she rests her chin on her knees and stares at the tree.
“I was thinking lunch and then some movies,” I say.
She nods. I move into the kitchen and quickly whip us up some food while she sorts through the DVDs and picks a few. When I join her with our plates, she holds up the options, and I nod. She puts one in, and we settle on the couch with our food.
She’s put in some Christmas classic she knows pretty much all the words to. She mouths them in between bites, and I can’t help my smile every time she does it. When I finish my food, I flex my hand, fighting the urge to wrap an arm around her and pull her in to my side. To run my fingers through her hair. When I decided to come out here, I never thought it would be this hard off the bat to be this close and not touch her, but here I am. I need to set up a game plan for how I’m going to tell her everything I came here to. The trip was impulsive, and I didn’tdo much in the way of planning, and I’m thinking that might be biting me in the ass now.
Do I invite her for a walk and tell her then and hope she doesn’t lock me out when we come back? Or do I make her dinner and maybe give her a little wine to loosen her up, so she doesn’t completely blow up? Neither option seems ideal. I have no idea how receptive she’s going to be. I know she just got out of a relationship. Would telling her that I’ve been in love with her since I was a teenager be completely insensitive to her breakup? She’s seemed fine so far this trip, but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t been having a harder time when she’s up in her room.
I’m so lost in my thoughts that I barely register most of the movie or when she gets up and changes it. When she gets up to put the third movie in, I move to the kitchen and start getting dinner ready, hoping that physically doing something will help me get out of my head.
ELEVEN
ANNALISE
We’ve only been at the cabin for two days. Two days, and I’m already falling into a sense of comfort having Sebastian here. I mentally scold myself for letting it happen. I’m stronger than this. I should not be giving in this easily. I relax a little when he moves to the kitchen, allowing me some space to gather myself. There was something so natural about sitting with him and watching Christmas movies. I found myself almost wanting to lean into his side at one point and for him to put his arm around me. I fought that urge and stayed right in my spot.
Sebastian is quiet as he works, and I have no idea what he’s making. He eventually comes back a while later with two plates of chicken and potatoes. I smile as I take one from him, and he settles beside me. We eat and watch the movie, and I feel Sebastian’s eyes on me. I’m torn between loving the feeling of him watching me, of being the subject of his attention, and wanting to yell at him to watch the movie. Being under his gaze is intense, as though he’s picking out my every flaw.
I keep my eyes on the movie, doing my best to ignore him. As soon as the movie is over, I collect our plates and wash them before saying, “I’m going to call it a night. I’ll see you in the morning,” and heading upstairs.
I lean against the bedroom door, relieved to be in an entirely different room from him. I change and climb into bed, trying to get some sleep, tossing and turning, but nothing seems comfortable. I eventually pass out, waking up to bright light streaming in through the curtains I forgot to close before climbing into bed.
I can see birds sitting on tree branches, shaking snow off themselves as their little heads look around. A squirrel runs up the tree, scaring a bird that flies off. I stretch and decide I’m going to spend my day outside taking photos so I can get some space from Sebastian.
After a quick shower and change, I head downstairs, looking for a granola bar to stuff in my pocket for my breakfast. I nearly jump when I reach the bottom of the stairs and find Sebastian lying on the couch, reading. I knew he was down here, but for some reason, the very casual and comfortable position throws me off.
Grabbing my camera bag and granola bar, I say, “I’m going to head out. Not sure when I’ll be back.”
Sebastian sits up immediately. “Give me a second to change and I’ll go with you.”
I shake my head, but he’s already up and grabbing clothes out of his bag.
“I’ll go on my own. Stay here and enjoy some alone time,” I insist.
He grins at me over his shoulder. “It’s really not a problem. Some fresh air would be nice. Even if it’s colder than a well digger’s ass out there.”
I hold back my chuckle at his colourful description. As much as I want to go out on my own and get some space, I know he’ll follow me no matter what. He’d find my footprints in the snow and track me down, so I might as well wait and avoid whatever argument would come if I went on my own.
I sigh, and he holds a finger up as he slips into the washroom with his clothes. The very teenage thought of is he wearing boxers or boxer briefs hits me, and I bite my lip.
Fucking hell, Annalise. Get your shit together.
