‘She’s really beautiful,’ I catch myself thinking, and then instantly feel guilty for comparing.You’re stunning too. Don’t ever forget that.Still… I can’t help but wonder if I’m enough.
“Let me see it,” Nickoi says, looking at the scan Victoria hands him. She giggles a little and my chest tightens. I look away, biting my lip hard. ‘Zara,’ I scold myself silently. ‘You need to stop this.’ Remember, this man cried for you. You saw it with your own eyes. My heart softens, and a smile tugs at my lips.
“Babe?” Nickoi’s voice brings me back. I look up, and he’s watching me closely.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?”
“Nothing,” I lie.
“Don’t lie,” he says again, studying my face. I laugh nervously.
“I swear,” I say then Doctor Jacobs holds up the ultrasound picture.
“So this is from your 18-weeks scan, when we first confirmed the gender.” I look at it and immediately feel tears prick my eyes. I’m not going to cry again… I’m not.
“Awww,” I whisper, smiling.
“This is for you,” she says. “You should frame it.”
“Already did,” I admit, and everyone laughs, including Victoria.
“Love that energy,” Doctor Jacobs grins. “Any questions before you go?”
I nod. “Actually, yes.”
She puts on her glasses. “What is it?”
“My grandmother was a bit concerned about the size of my belly. She said it seems really big for five months. Should I be worried?”
“It looks fine to me,” Victoria says quickly.Um… did I ask you?Zara… breathe.
“Let’s take a look,” Doctor Jacobs says, stepping closer. She studies my stomach carefully, then straightens up with a thoughtful look.
“What do you think?” I ask nervously.
She frowns slightly. “Hmm… it does seem large. I don’t know how I didn’t notice this before.”Wait, what does that mean?
“Should I be concerned?” I ask again, my voice shaky.
“No, don’t panic. I’m going to do another ultrasound to double-check something.” Too late. My mind starts spiraling. My hands begin to tremble, my chest tightens, and sweat pours down my face even with the AC blowing. What if something’swrong with the baby?Zara, don’t even think it.I can’t breathe. Everything around me feels like it’s closing in.
“Wah’m to her?” I hear Nickoi’s voice, but it sounds so far away. I feel him pull me into his arms, his face in my neck.
“Calm down, baby,” he whispers.
“Zara, look at me,” Doctor Jacobs says gently, taking my hand.
“You’re having an anxiety attack,” she explains. “I want you to take a deep breath in through your nose and count to five… then exhale for five. You got that?”
I nod through the tears and try to follow her instructions. “Close your eyes. Focus on your breathing.” Nickoi’s hand rubs slow circles on mine, grounding me. Bit by bit, I start to feel okay again. I don’t ever want to feel that again.
“Why did that happen?” Nickoi asks, watching me closely.
“She’s just anxious,” the doctor replies. “But we’re going to figure it out. Come with me, Zara, we’ll do another scan.”
Nickoi helps me up. “You alright now?” Victoria asks. In the ultrasound room, I lie back on the table. Nickoi sits beside me, his jaw tight with worry.
“I’m okay,” I whisper. He doesn’t say anything. He just watches. Doctor Jacobs applies the cold gel and moves the wand over my belly. She scans the screen, moving slowly, then suddenly gasps.
