Again, I squeezed my eyes shut. I was still pressing myself against the stupid wall of too many pictures—many of which were digging painfully into my back.
“But I wanted the lift in the program,” I managed to whisper, shame flooding me.
Lukas’ hands moved from my face, and he pulled me back to his chest. I buried my face in his jacket, my hands trapped between us as he wrapped me up in his arms again.
“Listen to me, Aimee Bryant,” he said to the top of my head, “What happened that day on the ice was no one’s fault. Skating is dangerous on any given day—and the choice to do that lift held no bearing in what happened. There was an accident, you participated in a dangerous sport. I know you’ve heard those words so many times, and I can only hope that one day you believe them. and if I have to tell them to you every day?—”
I wiggled my hands out and wrapped them around his waist, holding him as tightly as he was holding me. I felt like I’d fall away, sink down and down and down until I couldn’t get back up. There was a light pressure on the top of my head that felt awfully like a kiss, but I didn’t move. I didn’twantto move.
I hated that I wanted to stay here forever.
I loved the feeling of his arms around me.
I hated the feeling his arms around me gave me, fluttering safety, giddy warmth, and patient strength.
“You areso muchmorethan that day, and you have so much more ahead of you. It’s okay to miss him, it’s okay to hurt, but it’s not okay for you to blame yourself for something you had no control in.”
More tears slipped out, coating my cheeks and soaking his fleece jacket.
“I just feel so guilty. All of the time. It just eats at me,” I mumbled words into his chest that I hadn’t really confessed to anyone besides my therapist. “It should have been me because he had so much more to give.”
Lukas pushed me back with such force I startled. He grabbed the sides of my face again, this time he looked almost angry, “I really,reallyneed you to hear me Aimee. Like, really hear me. You. Are. Not. Worth.Less.”
He took a breath and let his thumbs sweep across my cheek again.
“You do not have less to give than Asher. The outcomes of that day…neither of you deserved the cards you were dealt. He saved your life that day. I watched it happen in real time, and he did everything he was supposed to do as a partner.
“You can’t know that,” I said tearfully.
Why my brain couldn’t just take Lukas at his word, believe him and just be happy. I wanted desperately to get out of this mindset, but every time I felt the tiniest inclination of being happy the guilt rushed in and left me spiraling.
“Did you ever watch the breakdown of the fall? Did anyone ever sit down with you and show you what exactly went wrong? What happened?”
I shook my head, the motion stilted because of his hands. “No.”
He let go of my face and grabbed my hand, “Come with me.”
I followed him into the small library that was down the hall. It was packed with shelves overflowing with books. Some looked brand new, others well-loved and I assumed they were donations from guests who had brought them, and they forgot the books when they left.
After checking that we were alone, Lukas took me over to one of the couches in front of the fireplace and sat me down. Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he sat down next to me. I tried tomentally prepare myself for what he was undoubtedly going to show me.
He looked at me. “We don’t have to do this.”
I stared at his phone, which he had face down on the coffee table. I hadn’t been on social media in years. Eloise occasionally showed me funny videos or posts, but overall my online presence had been null for years now.
The first time I’d seen a video mocking the accident, I knew it was only going to get worse, and it did. And I spiraled. And then I deleted it all. Now I had the group chat, and that was about it.
“You say the word, and we won’t do this. But someone should have sat down with you and shown you what actually happened. Maybe you wouldn’t have been left to blame yourself for the last year and half.”
With a shaking hand, I reached out and flipped his phone over. He’d already cued up the video and my brain was suddenly back there—the music playing, skates gliding over ice…
Lukas gently takes the phone from my hand and grabs my hand with his other one, holding it tight. He uses his thumb to press play, and the song moves from my brain to my ears and I hold my breath and watch.
I know when the lift is coming.
I close my eyes.
Lukas ends the video.
