I stopped pacing and found myself standing in front of a window. The view outside was of clear blue sky, towering evergreens and snow covered peaks. I brought a hand up, and pressed it against the glass—cold to the touch, it soothed the raw burning of my skin. I let it ground me. I shut my eyes and drew in a deep breath, locking it inside and holding it until my lungs cried.
I let it out slowly, in shaky, stuttering bursts. When I opened my eyes, I felt a little calmer, and a little more level, a little more in control. And like the worst friend ever.
“Aimee.”
Quick footsteps thudded down the hall behind me. I didn’t need to turn around to know it was Lukas, but I did.
The tension I expected to tighten across my shoulders and down my back didn’t happen.
He was breathing heavily. His cheeks and nose were wind-blown and rosy. His dark hair mussed in that way it always seemed to be. His gaze frantically searched mine and then scanned the length of my body.
He took a step closer, his hands up in hesitation—like he wanted to reach out and touch me but wasn’t sure, and something in his haste to get here, the wrecked state of my emotions and justeverythingI’d been carrying for so long, tears burned in my eyes—again.
And then I was pressed against his chest, wrapped in his arms and crying. It was dumb—the tears, this need for him. I didn’t get it, and I shouldn’t want it.
“Hey, hey. It’s okay. Ssssh,” he whispered, his hand rubbing up and down my spine.
It just made me cry harder, or maybe it was the sharp stab of betrayal that was spearing through me at the thought of this moment betraying Asher.
I shoved myself away from Lukas, out of his arms and back against the picture covered wall. I stilled, tears dripping off my chin as I waited for the rattling of the frames to come crashing to the floor. My chest heaved, and once again, I was so sick of crying. But that lancing pain came again and again, shoving into my chest, my heart, my side, every part of me until it was the guilt and betrayal pinning me to the wall.
This time his hands were raised in a placation.
“What just happened? Tell me where your head’s at,” he said softly, his voice gentle as if he were trying to not scare a frightened animal.
But maybe that is an apt description. I felt trapped, like at any moment the world would cave in around me. Breaths sawedin and out of me, my eyes were trapped wide and not really seeing, but not unfocused either.
I should not have left my room.
I should not have left my bed.
I shouldn’t have come on this damn trip.
“It should have been me.”
I didn’t realize those words hadn’t been in my head like they always were—they were words that I rarely gave voice to.
Lukas was suddenly in front of me, his hands on either side of my face, forcing me to make eye contact.
“No,” he said forcefully.
I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to deal. I just couldn’t anymore. This trip had been a bad idea, agreeing to come had been worse. It had been nothing but hell since the first evening, and there were weeks still to go.
“Aimee, I need you to look at me.”
Something in his voice made me do just that, despite not wanting to. Just being here with him right now hurts. It hurt so much because I wanted it. And I shouldn’t want it because there was Asher.
I met his stare—it wasn’t hard, it wasn’t angry or frustrated or anything that felt like a rough emotion. It was soft, pleading, full of a request for understanding.
“Don’t ever think you’re not deserving.”
Heat burned in my eyes and more tears fell. Lukas brushed them away, the pads of his thumbs both soft and rough on my cheeks.
“You arenotthat accident.”
I blinked hard, more tears spilling out. I wanted to believe him. He searched my face, looking for some kind of acknowledgement from me that I was hearing him and that I believed him. His thumbs continued to sweep across my cheeks and the simple act made my lower lip and chin tremble.
“Something terrible and life-changing happenedtoyou. You didn’t cause it. It was not your fault.”
