I wanted to keep tossing the ball with Jere, the simple game oddly enjoyable, but figured Alex knew best. Physical therapy zoomed by and before I knew it, the session was over. Taking a seat next to Jere while Ronnie pulled the car around, my aching muscles reminded me I had a long way to go. Recovering from the kind of trauma I’d suffered took a toll on one's body. I slept sixteen hours a day and getting to the bathroom or the couch sapped what energy I managed to store up that day.
Jere bumped his shoulder against me, jogging me to the present. “You did good today, Danny.”
I made a little sound of disbelief, but I was beaming inside. I wasn’t sure why his approval meant so much to me.
“I didn’t want to tell you before physical therapy, but Sean got me that job. I start tonight. It's an introduction day to get me set up and familiar with the territory.”
“Are you sure about this?” I inquired, staring at the plain linoleum of the clinic’s waiting room.
I was opposed to the idea of him working at The Adonis because he’d be ogled by strange gay men wanting to get a piece of him. Not that it was a possibility, but I wanted to be the only one crushing on him. I couldn’t have him, but I could be attracted to him and all those sex-hungry boys thinking naughty thoughts about him felt like they were stealing from me.
“Nothing to be sure or unsure about,” he said, resting his elbows on his knees.
I glanced at him hunched over like the thinking man. “You’re going to be hit on, you know that, right?”
“And? Would a man hitting on me be any different than a woman hitting on me?”
I rubbed my face, unsure of how to answer. Sometimes he was just naive. “For one, men are more aggressive. You can’t just go up and grope a woman. It’s different with gay men. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is. You’re going to have to get used to having your ass squeezed ten times a night.”
He shrugged as if he were truly unbothered by the possibility. “I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I can take care of myself.”
I’d totally taken into consideration how built he was, but I wouldn’t tell him so. Blowing out a breath, I decided I didn’t want to get a headache from torturing myself about all the men groping him whenIcouldn’t. I fell asleep in the car, my strength drained by physical therapy. As soon as I was home, I crashed in bed and slept the rest of the evening away.
“Jere?” I called over the soft murmur of the television, disorientation swirling around me, making everything cloudy. Was I asleep? Was I Awake? Maybe I was caught up in a dream that refused to let me escape.
Ronnie appeared as a shadow and ran her hand through my uneven hair. “Hey, honey. Jere left for work a while ago. I’ll be here tonight until he gets home. Are you hungry?”
I nodded and fell back against the mattress, glad I wasn’t alone. Those shadow monsters that hunted me only went away when people were around. “It’s a bad idea he's working at the club, right?”
She shrugged, her features becoming clearer as my eyes adjusted to the low light. “There are some guys that can’t handle gay men being attracted to them. Then there are men like Jere that don’t see it as an issue. I’m sure he’ll be fine.”
She moved to get up, but I grabbed her arm, surprised I’d judged the distance correctly. “I’m in love with him.”
I wasn’t sure why I’d said it—and I’d surprised myself I’d managed to say those words when referring to Jere—but telling someone made me feel a little better about it, as if I had someone to share the weight with.
Ronnie sighed and sat back down. “We’re in love with the people we can’t have the most, aren’t we?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t…”
“It’s okay, honey. You didn’t do anything wrong.” She sucked her lip between her teeth. “I think I know the answer, but have you told him?”
I looked away and stared into a dark corner, the shadow undulating like a living thing. “How could I?”
She nodded, completely understanding. “He’s here and that’s all that matters. He gave up everything to be here with you and that kind of love, whether between friends or lovers, is remarkably rare. AndIlove you and I’m going to take care of you too, starting with something to eat.”
I stopped her from leaving again, feeling needy. “I love you too. Please tell me you know that.”
A smile twitched at her lips, and she kissed my mouth. It was plutonic and lingered with a hint of what could have been. “I know, honey.”
She squeezed my hand one last time and got up to get me some food. I was happy with who I was, and fully accepted Ronnie as she was, but sometimes I wished I could love her in the same way I wished Jere could love me. Just as she’d said, the ones we couldn't have hurt the most.
The hour passed in a blur of picking at a microwavable dinner and snoozing, the pounding in my skull ruining the evening. I'd been lucky so far. The headaches were usually moderate and controlled with medication, but every now and then they refused to go away and dialed the thump up into a full-blown jackhammering. It was only a matter of time before I got one that knocked me off my axis. I knew it was coming, but for now, I tried to remain positive.
Ronnie fell asleep on the couch, her willowy form outlined by the blue glow of the silent television. I glanced at my phone, wanting to text Jere to see how things were going at The Adonis but refrained. He shouldn’t have had to work to support me. The general anger and frustration I’d developed recently rushed forth. I navigated to one of my favorite restaurants’ online portals and placed an order, specifying it was to be prepared and delivered as late as possible. I was actually surprised when the order went through, sure my card would have been declined. Mom had been taking care of my accounts and I hadn’t looked at the state of my savings. I didn’t want to know.
I slung my legs over the edge of the bed and rose to a sitting position, my equilibrium sloshing like a boat in water for a moment. Then I spotted it. A fuckingwalker, the kind elderly people used because they had bad hips. Jere must have set it up while I was sleeping. I was twenty-seven years old for fuck’s sake. Tears of frustration pricked my eyes. I wanted to toss the thing out of my twenty-sixth story window, except, I might actually kill someone when it landed on their head.
I was expected to use a walker? Fine. Taking my time, I fought past the initial dizziness and grabbed onto the cold handles of the walker. Like most times, my balance evened after a moment, and I took my time sliding into the front room. I noticed Ronnie asleep on the couch. I was sure she’d been crying because her mascara was slightly runny. I wanted to hug her and tell her how thankful I was to have her in my life, then I wanted to chastise her for agreeing to this stupid walker.
